Extremely Upset

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 72495, Jun 21, 2015.

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  1. 72495

    72495 New Member

    Hey there. Let me begin this post by telling you why I am extremely depressed, and have been for quite some time. I have suffered from having awful skin on my back, AKA, bacne. I've had it since I was 14 years old. My parents never let me take Accutane as a teenager and they thought it would just go away in time. Nope. Here I am, 20 years old, battling back acne and the scars that came along with it. It's absolutely awful. I haven't taken my shirt off in public since I was 14. I am currently in my 5th month of Accutane (one of the most controversial acne drugs out there), and it has cleared it up significantly, but it has left scars. The scars are what I am worried about. It's as if my whole back had a zit on it at one point in time. I don't understand why I had this? Neither of my parents did, my siblings didn't, and I have no facial acne. It's like some kind of sick joke the universe is playing on me. I am putting myself through awfully dry skin, nose bleeds, cramps, and it's possible that I could develop Crohns Disease, all to attempt to look at least remotely normal. To top it all of, I like men. Being gay with back acne is probably one of the worst things I could have asked for. I'm just not seeing why I should keep going on. This has taken such a huge toll on my life and I just want it to go away. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. The scars will always be there. Every single day I wake up, they will be there. As I walk down the street, as I work, anything and everything I do, the scars will be there. It's not something that will go away in the distant future. This is something I will deal with for the rest of my life, but I don't want to deal with it for the rest of my life. I would do almost anything to have normal skin. It's all I want. How am I to date anyone if I have a hidden deformity? How is anyone to love someone like me? I have a lot of confidence in myself actually; I believe I am an attractive person until I take my shirt off. I have had a plethora of people want to take me out on dates but I just won't. I actually had my first real relationship in September, it lasted for about 4 months. He broke it off with me because I had such low self-confidence. I am extremely tired of waking up every day and crying hysterically because I feel like I am ugly. It's honestly the hardest thing I've had to deal with and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm mentally exhausted and ready to go. I feel awful and I just want to be normal like everybody else.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome to the forum.
    I'm really sorry to hear of your troubles but glad the medicine is working somewhat, you need to build your confidence up (you already know that) but you must keep trying. When you fall in love with someone they will love and respect all of you, that is when you know you have something special.
    This may be a stupid question but could lasering the scars off be an option? You are not a freak, not abnormal, everyone has their share of issues. I hope that through all this darkness you can find the light. Best of luck to you.
  3. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I have scars, too. Theyre part of me. My scars tell a story thats part of who I am. Whoever wont accept them, too, cant possibly love me, all of me. And I dont want someone like that anyway.

    But, I understand the fright at beach season and not wanting to expose your back, seeing other people with perfect skin. It can be hard. Accentuate your better features, but you shouldnt feel afraid to show who you are in privacy with an intimate partner. If it helps, tell him beforehand that you have scars. Or only be undressed with someone you trust who is kind and who you feel completely comfortable around, flaws and all.

    Its a process to gradually come to accept who you are. But think of it this way: how many times do you hear someone say "I didnt love him because he had scars"? Everyone has something going on.
  4. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Also, ask your dermatologist about fading creams. Drop the Accutane.
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