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  1. Well, the time comes again when I'm feeling EXTREMELY suicidal. There are so many things going on and I have everything planned. I've done plenty of research and know what the effects are, etc. I've been focused on writing letters to all those who have been there for me through all of my hard times. I'm also in the process of saying my goodbyes. I've been trying so fucking hard to forget about this. I've thrown away the letters several times only to start them again. I've tried to think about those people who care about me and love me. I've tried living for those people, but it doesn't seem to matter. I keep telling myself that I know it's going to hurt alot of people. I have no right to say that it's not going to. I can't say that people are going to be better off without me. I don't know if that will be the case, but I'm willing to risk it all. I've come to my breaking point and I'm well prepared to face the reality. I'm still coming to terms with this decision, but soon enough I will be at peace.

    There are so many things going on right now to make me feel this way. My mom has been a complete bitch lately-causing so many problems within the family that she has no right to be involved in. She's disowned two of her kids and she's working on the third. I'm sure when our other brother is 18 he will be thrown out as well. Go ahead and throw all your kids out mom. Live the life you've always wanted. Get rid of all your mistakes, and go off with your 'perfect' husband to live a life of happiness. I hope you can find that happiness in your life. I truly do wish you the best and no matter how hard I try to hate you and forget you, I can't. You're my mother! I wish, so much, that you would act like it for once. Enough about my mother. There is a girl that I've grown so close to. She is so amazing, loving, caring, kind. She's perfect in my eyes. She makes me want to live another day, but I hurt her so much. I know by my actions I have hurt her so many times. I self-harm and it hurts her. I think about suicide and it hurts her. Anything I do, it hurts her. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm so far away from her and I can't get to her. I just want to hold her in my arms, I want to be with her-hold her hands so neither of us can self-harm. I want to grow with her and get better with her. I just want to be there for her, but I know that I hurt her and I hate it. I hate myself for that. Also, my brother stole about $150 out of my purse. I'm not sure when he did it, but I only noticed it yesterday. He denies it yet when asked about it he got really angry and defensive. My parents are the ones who approached him about it and I had nothing to do with it. He constantly asks me to buy things for him and give him money. I give it to him , as I always do, and he always says he has the intention of giving it back, but he's given me nothing in return. I haven't really expected anything and I think that I give to him so willingly because I've been away from him for so long and I finally get the chance to get to know him and form a brother-sister relationship with him. My parents also approached him about some Smirnoff they found in the house. He lied to them and said that he found it outside. In reality, our half-brother's dad buys it, but my brother wouldn't tell them that. He got really angry and called his friend and told our parents that he was moving out. He's told me this before so I didn't think he was serious but he's gone. Before he left he came in my room with his friend and said "are you going to give me a hug?" I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to get up to give him a hug. Then he said "I guess not." I said "I can't believe you're actually leaving." His reply was "Yeah, well, I guess you can't give me a hug. Goodbye and I love you." I felt horrible after that. I couldn't get up and give him a hug. What if that was the last time I'll see him or speak to him? I was really paranoid, and still am paranoid, that him and his friend will come and abuse me. My brother has abused me before and I don't doubt that he would do it again. There's nowhere for me to go to get away from this. I can't lock my door and I can't lock my windows, so if they do decide to come back, I just have to let it happen as it always does. I feel like such a bitch for all of this. I should have kept my damn mouth shut and just went on with life. After all it was only money. If I wouldn't have said anything he would still be here and things would be okay within the family, but I had to open my big mouth and tell my parents.

    If this is the last time I'll be on here I do thank anyone and everyone who has listened to me bitch and moan and tried to help me. I know I've been a pain, and I apologize. I hope that you all can take care and be safe. Again, thank you all! See you all on the other side some day. :hug:
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Jacque.. :sad: I hope you're safe, hun.. :hug:
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hey Jacque, just hoping you're safe. I have no words of wisdom for you but I think you know that people do care about you a great deal, if they can see something worth loving maybe there's a reason to love yourself, or at least, not hate yourself so much :hug:
  4. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :sad: jac please dont leave i know if i call you right now you wont talk but please. You know how much i care for you and your safty please stay hun :hug: you know where to find me if you want to talk.
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