F*cking Frustrating

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TheRunaway, Oct 28, 2012.

  1. TheRunaway

    TheRunaway Active Member

    I didn't want to put this in the ED section because it's about more than that, and I'm more or less just ranting. If it's in the wrong place, I apologize ahead of time.

    I keep getting caught up in this vicious cycle and I seriously feel like I'm drowning. I can't put my parents through this just because I have issues. I thought I was doing good, until something triggered me; my sister bought a scale. My family knows of my ED, and what I've been through and done to myself because of it, so they protected me from anything triggering by taking away my scale awhile back. It's sad something as small as a scale could get me so entangled in this misery again. What feeds my eating disorder, feeds my depression. I started extreme restricting again and stepping on the scale obsessively. I'd just recently got back to a healthy weight for my height. All my friends and family keep saying how beautiful and happy I am since I'm back to being healthy. I don't believe it. I'm a perfectionist -- what they see and what I see are two very different things. I just don't feel as if I'm good enough. I'm not sure how to ever convince myself I am. And not just about body image, about everything. I don't feel like a good enough person. A smart enough person. A good enough sister, daughter, or friend. I look around and never see flaws in anyone, yet all I see in myself are flaws. I've gotten to where I want to help others and push my troubles under the rug, but I'm worried if I keep them there for long that I'll hurt my family even more. I so sick of myself. I feel like a burden, and I imagine how happy my family would be everyday if they didn't have to deal with my sh!t (sorry for the language). The main thing keeping me here is my inability to say goodbye to my family and friends. I never thought my life would end up this way, and certainly thought this eating disorder would improve after two years and therapy. The only progress I've made is I quit cutting myself up. :/ I'm living for others and that shouldn't be my reason to live. I want to be gone more than anything. I'm waiting for that moment when I break and my impulsiveness takes over. It's only a matter of time.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    This is a huge accomplishment! Be proud of yourself - it's a very hard habit to break.

    When we are depressed, we are sometimes harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else. If your friends and family are complimenting you and saying how healthy and happy you look, they likely mean it. Perhaps if you keep reminding yourself that everyone has flaws, everyone has wonderful traits and talents, and everyone is different. I'm sure you have many good things about you that your depression is trying to hide from you.

    Stay strong and safe...:hug: