f***ed it up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cookiemonster, Jan 20, 2010.

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  1. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    good morning (typical social niceties dealt with)

    I'm not going to sit here and cry and say this is it, i'm gonna kill myself tonight. i have said that many times and every time i do, i attempt and i fail. i am in constant pain now and i don't think that dealing with another attempt is such a good idea but i really can't deal with things at the minute and so, fuck it, i'm gonna try again. i have a specific plan and a date and everything like that and although people say all of this all the time, i just can't deal at the minute.

    things occasionally do go well and i have the odd good day but right now all have been bad.

    I told the school about me being suicidal, they don't know about the attempts but they do know about the problems with me. I have to check in with them twice a day and i can go talk whenever i need to but the only person i feel i can talk to there isn't trained to deal with it so i'm fucked.

    I also have my assessment tomorrow and I'm worried they'll tell me there is nothing wrong with me and I'll have to keep dealing with things on my own. i can't deal with that anymore. things are just getting harder and harder as things go on and i hate that,. the school told me to come up with a list of questions i would like to ask and though they know i'll never ask, they think it'll reassure me. i'm not entirely sure but i'll give it a go.

    I'm starting to wonder what effect i'm having on the people who care about me. those i talk to regularly (or used to talk to in some cases) tend to get stressed and some have stopped talking to me altogether and this makes things hard. i don't want to worry people or upset them anymore (including my parents). i think i'll stop talking to people so much anymore and especially not taking up people's precious night time hours anymore.

    I guess that's about it right now. i'm fucked up but i'll probably survive this attempt again and then there will be more pain and suffering but that's the way of life

    Thank you very much (very British of me but yet again more social niceties)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you get the help you need keep fighting for it okay you let them know you need it and deserve help as much as any body else keep yelling until they hear.
  3. dreaminghome

    dreaminghome Well-Known Member

    How did it go?

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    it kinda sounds like your willing to find help .... why dont you get some professional help ?
  5. bringer of light

    bringer of light Well-Known Member

    I don't have anything against self-termination, but would prefer it only the terminally ill performed it.

    Try not to be so social and forget everyone else. It is rich coming from me as I am not exactly happy myself. But you seem intelligent. Don't waste your life. Try and think about how the enemies would laugh if you took your own life. It works at keeping me alive.
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