Sick of this. Everything is horrible, there is no hope, and I don't want to be here. My room is a prison. I cannot leave if the sun is up; someone might see me. I cannot go out and do all the things I want to do, nor all the things I used to do. I came here for support, but I've grown to hate this website. Everyone says it will be okay. "Things will get better", they say. "There's always something to live for", they insist. The same fake attempts at motivational responses. Well it will be okay, but only with death. It would be nice if people could be realistic. I can't live the way I want to, and the only option is death. It is. Anyone who says otherwise only makes me feel worse. It would be nice to hear "man that sucks, I can't wait to die either, how 'bout them Jets?" [I hate watching sports, but you know what I mean]. But I know that's not the attitude around here. And it's probably better that way for most people. Optimism kills me. All my life my family has told me how good looking I was, how talented I was, and how great I would be someday. Eventually I learned that it was all optimistic bull****, and that it wasn't really true. But I think they did me a great disservice. Had I not been convinced that things would get better, which left me always looking forward to the great, perfect future, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about who I am now. Realizing you are not the hero of the story is dreadful. I feel that had I been told "you are average. Each day will blend into the next, and you will be forgotten. Do your best with what you have", as a child, I wouldn't have wasted the time that was good. I wouldn't have told myself "you have your whole life to do that". And now, whether I live another minute or another century, my life is over. My mind is destroyed and my body numbed from a year of seclusion. And I welcome the darkness.