I'm tired. Back to docs today, I know it sounds crazy and all the things going on physically with me don't add up. Maybe its all nothing and my mind is controlling my body to feel a certain way and ache and pain and similar. Didn't speak to a soul in person over the weekend. No one to talk to. Bottom line. And sometimes I'm okay with that. I don't need people 24/7, but it would be nice to have a friend or two. It is so hard for me to open up to anyone, always has been. And to loose my other half along with my two closest friends in the last couple of years has left me without anyone. My life history has been wiped out, completely. Its hard to think about and its harder not to know where one belongs when it feels like nowhere is home. a great source of support over the past couple of years will be done with in a few weeks. Sometimes I think I can do it and other times I'm not sure how I'll do without it. People generally just don't get it. The depth of pain, the ache of my soul. Another life cut too short, taken from me, taken from them. And I miss them so very much. Much death. And now I have the memories. Good memories and horrible ones. Trying to sleep at night bring with it many nights of reliving last breaths. Triggered last night, horrifically. sleep was two hours. Then up and then a couple of more hours, then up. I'm not honest to many, and perhaps I need to question that. And even more so, I need to question myself. As I go through the days I can't find reason to keep at it. Again and again I fall back. Only a fool keeps doing that shit months on end. But I'm scared to go, to try & not succeed. I feel much guilt over such thoughts when others had no choice with their lives. And I feel much guilt for being such a misery when others have things so much worse, so much tougher, much more painful than I. So its one day, one more day, one day after that and so on. But I'm very overwhelmed with work that I can't manage to complete atm. Things overall seem too much, they get much bigger than they are and it leads to this cycle of anxiousness and of not being able to complete anything because I freeze, not knowing how or what to do or where to start. And, I'm lazy. It all seems like too much work. And so tonight I say fuck it. Thank you. Good night.