F it

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Dec 31, 2013.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm tired. Back to docs today, I know it sounds crazy and all the things going on physically with me don't add up. Maybe its all nothing and my mind is controlling my body to feel a certain way and ache and pain and similar.

    Didn't speak to a soul in person over the weekend. No one to talk to. Bottom line.

    And sometimes I'm okay with that. I don't need people 24/7, but it would be nice to have a friend or two. It is so hard for me to open up to anyone, always has been. And to loose my other half along with my two closest friends in the last couple of years has left me without anyone. My life history has been wiped out, completely.

    Its hard to think about and its harder not to know where one belongs when it feels like nowhere is home.

    a great source of support over the past couple of years will be done with in a few weeks. Sometimes I think I can do it and other times I'm not sure how I'll do without it. People generally just don't get it. The depth of pain, the ache of my soul. Another life cut too short, taken from me, taken from them. And I miss them so very much. Much death. And now I have the memories. Good memories and horrible ones. Trying to sleep at night bring with it many nights of reliving last breaths.

    Triggered last night, horrifically. sleep was two hours. Then up and then a couple of more hours, then up.

    I'm not honest to many, and perhaps I need to question that. And even more so, I need to question myself. As I go through the days I can't find reason to keep at it. Again and again I fall back. Only a fool keeps doing that shit months on end.

    But I'm scared to go, to try & not succeed. I feel much guilt over such thoughts when others had no choice with their lives. And I feel much guilt for being such a misery when others have things so much worse, so much tougher, much more painful than I.

    So its one day, one more day, one day after that and so on. But I'm very overwhelmed with work that I can't manage to complete atm. Things overall seem too much, they get much bigger than they are and it leads to this cycle of anxiousness and of not being able to complete anything because I freeze, not knowing how or what to do or where to start. And, I'm lazy. It all seems like too much work.

    And so tonight I say fuck it. Thank you. Good night.
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Feeling the love today. Seems aces me has managed to piss off my boss and people here. Yay for me.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope the new year brings something good for you Mo and fuck the boss!
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey Mo. You didnt piss me off. And you are valued by many people who I know here. Sometimes when someone acts as a protecor they will anger another who has an agenda. That does not make the protector wrong. Nuf said.

    Your feelings are completely justified. As you would know for another person, this is not a matter of comparing pain or suffering. Each persons extreme suffering is just that. And your suffering, your loss, your situation is very real and very extreme as far as I am concerned.

    I do hope you will find a way to not drop any support system you have. I know that may sound impossible to do. Still I do hope you will not drop any support.

    You are doing good, given a horriffic set of circumstances. Way too many loved ones passing away. leaving you more crushed each time. Of course you are in this much pain. How could you not be considering all you have to deal with. And I do mean all. I am here for you,Mo. I do hope you will find a way to keep that support where you live. Somehow find a way. :hug: I care !!!
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Terry - LOL, thanks for making me chuckle.

    Thanks, Flowers. Am tuning out the night it is tonight, or trying to. Is a rough, rough night. Anxiety already up there cause of things.

    Thank you all :grouphug:, sincerely.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have family here hun that care for you ihope your sleep is peaceful tonight and yes i agree with fffffff the dam bosses
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Wish I could just do something. Decide, and do. This waffling about is idiotic.

    Not sure why, but a lot of triggers coming out of nowhere. I find it very hard to keep with it and to manage the panic. Very hard. Sometimes I don't know what the triggers are, but I can feel the anxiety coming on. like right now. No clue, but here it is. Meh. :(
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry, Mo. But sadly I understand triggers. Am so triggered atm. But I know whats causing it. Its so hard, these triggers. Just feels so out of control. Waffling can be so anxiety producing. For me, the whole trigger thing so often can be about feeling powerless. Or out of control. While I think our triggers are different, I so understand how they can be horriffic to try to handle. For me it can cause me to go out of my body, And that really is powerlesness. oh it all is so awful. I wish I had answers. but all I have is hopefully understanding and words to let you know you are not totally alone. :hug:
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Yes, thank you Flowers. I don't know. Things weren't like this before.... things got pushed down/away but now they seem to be showing up. I wish they'd just go away. I know though its not likely until I "deal" with certain stuffs. But trying to deal is hard enough. Trying to put words out there when I find myself mute is extraordinarily difficult and very odd too. There is something or things making it near impossible for me to discuss certain things. I know I'm not where I was, which is good. But I'm not at a good place yet and I don't think that the professionals know that, or realize that. They seem to see a side of me or have some view of me that I don't feel. Its not that I'm being untruthful, I suppose it'd be more accurate to say I don't disclose all. But thats just me. I'm not sure where to go from here. Some days are okay, others are horrible. We all have that. Somedays that horribleness is just so icky that its difficult to see a way through. That worries me most but I also view those days and those times as being truthful and what will be, will be. I'm awfully tired of ME. And I try not to go to negative places but I seem to end up there. I would not want to be around me although if I were I would be clueless most likely as I wouldn't even share anything with myself. This is so hard, to continue without my lifeforce so to speak. It probably sounds ludicrous but thats what they were.
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    mo what you wrote says so much. It really talks about some very important things.

    First, the professionasl see one thing in you. But the do not see as much of what you see. I wonder if you might be able to write and send something to them or one of them. Sharing what you are feeling about yourself that she is or they are not seeing. Or if not sending it, handing it to her or them. While that would be frightning and huge. It might be possible. I do not know.

    The part about the stuff you could push down that you no longer can. Thats scary. It just is. It rots that the only way to get to the other side of all that stuff is to walk through it with what i all cognition. It sucks. To put it bluntly.

    You wrote that it is so hard to continue without your lifeforce. I hear ya that it isnt there as much as it was. But I also know that it can be retrieved. Its not gone forever.

    Iwish I had some great words to comfort. And I do. But I also hear the huge enormous challenges you are faced with right now. And I can honestly say it is not easy being you. I also can say that you are an amazing woman. Even though you cannot see it. And I do believe with all my heart that you are going to get through this healing process. As hard and excruciating as it is. I also want to tell you that you are not alone. And I mean that in a very important and deep way. Its hard. So very hard.
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you kind heart. I'm sorry.
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Wonderful Mo, nothing to be sorry for :hug: Seriously :arms:
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Theres no point in me starting yet another thread. So I'll continue on with my BS here.

    Today, I didn't feel good. That dizziness is back and it feels icky. It was interesting driving to do something re work. Had some chest pain but not as bothersome as other days. The neurology people called, I didn't answer and I didn't call back. I don't think I can afford that right now. My doc called to make sure neurology people had been in touch and to find out more info. I didn't call them back either. They'll ask about the other tests this week which I also cancelled. I don't know what to think though about this dizzy stuff, its off putting. The other pain is back too.

    So work again tomorrow, yet another project added to the list. Its all swimming in my head, with the other things.

    I showed a family member something this morning that meant something to me and it was dismissed. No big deal really, just another hurt. Another reminder of how silly I am to keep believing things would or will ever be different.

    Nightmares again last night. Two hours sleep, not good. I lay down again for a bit, another nightmare. Its tiring. So I didn't get done today what I needed to for work and so now I have to figure out how I'm going to get everything done. I don't feel I can.

    I still want to run away, thought about crashing this evening on the drive. And other similar things.

    Very tough being so alone and very overwhelmed again. Something, someone has to give here soon. I can't. Simply put, I can't do this.
  14. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    very inspiring thread though i have not much advice for everything here sounds like what i'm dealing with or not, depending.
    thank you
  15. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    why not accept the calls and find out the diagnosis? nothing saying you then have to pay cost for teh treatment, but you took the tests, may as well find out the results... and then perhaps you can look for home based remedies that may be cheaper if you don't want to pay more $$ at the doc office. sorry your family members did not make adequate time for you today, we all need to be made to feel important enough to listen to, etc.... what kind of nightmares are you having? i believe you can't do this, but i also believe that you can do life.... but that you need help finding a solution for you predictament now.... nothing wrong in that... you admitted the first thing... you can't do it (alone)... now time to go on the search for help, but while you do that, you have to be very specific to your problems and your needs, thats why i ask all these questions, sorry
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks, the calls are to schedule the tests. I cancelled two earlier in the week... New year, new deductible and I can't afford things atm, which is my own foolish fault. I squandered what I had saved and someone I loaned with an agreement to pay me back has not done so and will not get in touch with me.

    Nightmares? Rape.. Health issues... And similar.

    The solution? Admitting my problems? Somewhat. Unfortunately it's a cacophony of things, not one thing. It's all as complex as we are and therein lies some of the difficulties dealing with it all. Being as overwhelmed as I feel only allows for increased anxiety and upset. Trying to deal with some of the things making me feel overwhelmed is not so easy unfortunately.
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    no mo, its not so easy. None of it is. And on top of that you have the deductable. Health care, as long as you have the money to pay the deductuable up front. I am sorry it all is happening. I care. Please stay safe :hug:
  18. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Friends are like stars you may not always see them but they are always there, please keep safe
  19. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hi Mo,

    I didn't want you to think that I am not going to respond to you or that I don't care. I do care and I will respond, but atm, my mind is not in a good place and I cannot think clearly enough to give you a good response. If it's ok, I will inbox you with my response to you as soon as I am able?