I fucked up suicide once, was delusional for 3 days, strapped down and got out. I had to read in my medical journal what had happened because I had no memory of it. So all I know is what is written in my medical journal.
It sort of taught me that I don't really want to die. I just want to stop suffering. But death is final. There's no more experience to gain. So instead I accepted my situation, cut off ties with people I knew I couldn't find the time for and didn't wanna feel guilty pretending I had to be there for them when I couldn't etc. Downsize my life to an extreme extent. And just focus on what I can do. I can have experiences no matter what. And yeah, it might not be the experience of getting that promotion or buying a new house but I get to pet porcupines during night-time and see foxes wander around the city streets.
Those are my experiences and I dream of having the same kind of experiences as other do, love, marriage, success, kids, monetary wealth etc. But I can find peace in the fact that I'm getting an experience at times most would be without. And I know death doesn't give me any more experiences. So I keep living because there's not much else to do really (imo).
I hope you get past this and start to feel better. Just remember; Things like these are rarely chronical and do pass. It's why it's so important to always just keep going and postpone that final decision. Because it might be a brighter day tomorrow or next week. Depressions do go away, we don't cure it, it comes and goes like the cold, but they do.
I hope you hang in there. Vent in here if you need to. Seek understanding and encouragement here if necessary. Because people can and do beat this. And I really hope you can too.
Stay safe