F**k it all i dont care

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Anam_Cara, Jul 26, 2009.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    it's coming, my complete and total breakdown...and i dont care anymore..i hope when it does come that it destroys my mind so much i cant feel or think.. im tired of doing both.. i just end up f**ked anyway... so it doesnt matter.. who cares.. none of my friends but one have time for me anymore.. and that one has enough on their own plate to be able to devote time to helping me.. truthfully i dont give a damn if i am helped anymore.. what for? for more heart ache? for more pain and loss? for more broken dreams and false hopes? my heart and soul are almost completely broken save for the final straw that will break me in october.. a little over 2 months, the clock is ticking now, sickeningly fast..
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there ..
    wish i could make u not feel like this :hug: i know how horrible it is..
    i havent got many freinds either.. if u ever fancy a chat u can pm me if u like..
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    It hurts when you feel so alone and like no one cares about you or is there for you, that is sometimes the worst part at least for me. It makes me angry when I feel so abandoned, unloved and isolated. I too start thinking whats the point of going on? It all seems so hopeless and not worth it. But there is something inside of me that eventually connects with something outside of me and my mind starts to see things differently. I hope you can find some inner peace and feel less hurt and less pain. You are in my thoughts.

  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Anam cara,

    Easier said than done,but keep trying, you've gotten through this before and you can do it again.
    We're all here for you :hug:
  5. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    i really dont know what to think anymore... i have family who despite their over bearing and controlling ways, do care, ive got 4 friends who do care outside this forum... but its not enough... everyone has their own issues to worry about and sometimes mine arent the most important thing in their world.. im always there for them though even at the expense of my own time and suffering.. i make time for them... even when i dont have time, or need the support myself, i find myself giving entirely and whats coming back to me isnt exactly equal, in my mind and heart... i realize im not the center of the bloody universe but it would still be nice to be supported as much as i support.. it leaves me feeling blocked and silenced which hurts.. the person i love, or i should say, that i am in love with, i spill my soul and emotions daily and nightly, all through the day... and the response i get is half the time her getting overwhelmed and responding in a good way, the other half of the time she acts distant and like it doesnt matter at all what i say, when shes in this mood she talks about someone else whom she (unfortunately for me) has feelings for and whom is coming to see her in october... sometimes even when she is responding to ME in a good way she will still talk about HIM and his visit...reminds me of the movie twilight when bella tells edward his moods are giving her whiplash.. i dont do well with indecisiveness on her part.. im always in some sort of limbo... i know shes not doing it to be malicious or to hurt me.. shes always been honest with me.. and i know she does care deeply.. for me.. im just massively confused and hurt by the whole (other man visiting her situation) when im the one who has spent every waking hour of the last several years agonizing over how deeply in love with her i am.. this other man has done NOTHING to prove his love, he doesnt even call her, seldom emails, or texts her, and disappears for weeks at a time, while stupid me sits around crying over her, and the relationship i know i cant have with her.. i have put my heart, my soul, my mind, body, heart, emotions, blood, sweat, tears and money into this strange relationship with her.. ive given literally EVERYTHING until i have nothing left to give BUT my love... and i know come October, that wont be enough, and i'll get the final heartbreaking of a lifetime... i dont blame her for loving this other man, how could i? i look in the mirror every day (unfortunately) and am sickened by what i see.. utterly sickened.. i know no one could ever love me enough as i am, to choose me for a lifetime... or long term... i know i f**ked up with her a little over a year ago and hurt her badly, i know she still doesnt trust me entirely because of it... maybe im paying my karma and deserve to be alone and die alone miserable...
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