F this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 18, 2015.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    This is really difficult. Exceedingly hard, still. No where else am I this honest, no one exists that I coudl possibly explain or try to explain or who would know or understand without asking. And I don't know why I still come here, to SF. Nothing in return is so hard. It reinforces so much negative shit for me. I know it's the way it is. But its so fucking hard, especially right now. I went somewhere today and while there all I could think about was how I could go right there and then. It always was a nightmare for me when young but that was teh way today that I was willing to go. I don't know what stopped me. I just don't know. So now what do I fucking do? I don't and cant face work tomorrow. how can I? I haven't slept right for days. I'm a mess. don't knwo if I'm coming or going. Can't think. Missed medical appointments this week already. but im expected in and things are so fucked up and I can't face it. Any of it, any of this.
     
  2. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi MoAnamCara, Thank you for having the courage to share what's happening. I'm sorry that you're going through such a difficult time at the moment. You mentioned you went somewhere but something stopped you from doing something. Whatever it was, it infers to me that you do have hope that things can get better. You must be exhausted if you haven't slept well for days. I'm just wondering if it may be worth taking some time off work to recuperate. I do appreciate though that this is not always practical. As for the medical appointments, can you reschedule these? Speaking with a doctor may also help to get things off your chest and give you some strategies on how to counteract what you're going through. Take care of yourself, Husky
     
  3. Tjh

    Tjh Active Member

    +1 to husky. Hang in there moanamcara, please take care of yourself. I hope things get better for you soon. :)
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks for responding. I had took days off at the beginning of this week to deal with this week so I can't take morE really atm. If like to, I'm hiding from reality of things that way too. It's hard. It is what it is.
     
  5. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi MoAnamCara, Thank you for your message. I understand where you're coming from with confronting work rather than avoiding it. I also acknowledge that if you stay away too long, it can be hard to go back to it. However, I think taking a short amount of time like a few days to relieve tension and refresh yourself wouldn't be detrimental. I'm sure you're a hard worker too and your work would want you to be ok because of this. What does your doctor think about this? Another option if you feel up to it is to go to work and see how you go for a day or even part of the day. Then you can reassess where you're at with everything. Take care of yourself. Husky
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hun, i read this yesterday and meant to leave a hug, i know its not much but I don't really know what to say :hug:

    I hope today is a better day for you =)

    You know I am always willing to listen.
     
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks husky, petal. Don't worry about responding, it's difficult to know what to say I do understand that. It just feels worse when no one does especially whenim in the shape I am in. Anyhow, thanks.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No problem at all pet. How are you feeling today?
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Honestly? Completely shite.

    Never mind, thanks.
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    What's going on for you? Is it hard to talk about?
    I think you should write all your thoughts out, it could help you feel better.
    For what it's worth, I think you're a great person :)
     
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    *hugs* Mo I wish I knew what to say, maybe you can tell us how you are going on your volunteer work?
     
  12. itsME123

    itsME123 Member

    hello, I understand the feeling of driving around in your day and looking around. wondering if I could end it that way or this way. I feel like that at least 3 days out of the week. I fall into a zone. don't want to do anything, don't sleep. the only thing that keeps me going is my daughter. she just lost her father a couple years back and she cant lose me. I don't have the desire to live right now. I fight every day. so if you want to fight with me..... I am willing.
     
  13. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi MoAnamCara, I hope that you're feeling better. Take care of yourself and remember that you are an important person and that you do matter. Husky
     
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I appreciate your words, from everyone.

    Windle, I don't want to say too much about that, I'm a little paranoid.

    Petal... I wouldn't know where to start. And that's some of the issue that is there is so much going around in my mind it's hard to know where to start or how to focus on one thing. I do make lists but my mind runs with itself.

    Husky, thanks. However I am not important. To me, I am not. And to others, well there isn't really anyone left alive anymore.

    Its me, thanks. Hug your daughter tight.

    Meanwhile more work has been added. Waiting for whatever was to be sent to me to get started on, 10:30pm it comes in. Seriously? It just adds to everything else and I collapse in a heap and can't settle.

    Add so here I am after 4am yet again. Exhausted and worn down but can't sleep.
     
  15. itsME123

    itsME123 Member

    I know the feeling looking at the clock is the worst thing it is 2 am now......still cant sleep
     
  16. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi MoAnamCara, I think you are an important person to people. For example, look at the people who have posted on this forum who see you as important. I know it's hard to see this in oneself sometimes because people don't want to be viewed as egotistical or just can't see it because of the adversity which fuels their lives. However, you are important and you do matter to people just like on here. Your life is worth living. I hope that you get some rest and please take care of yourself. Husky
     
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I appreciate you both responding.
     
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