This is really difficult. Exceedingly hard, still. No where else am I this honest, no one exists that I coudl possibly explain or try to explain or who would know or understand without asking. And I don't know why I still come here, to SF. Nothing in return is so hard. It reinforces so much negative shit for me. I know it's the way it is. But its so fucking hard, especially right now. I went somewhere today and while there all I could think about was how I could go right there and then. It always was a nightmare for me when young but that was teh way today that I was willing to go. I don't know what stopped me. I just don't know. So now what do I fucking do? I don't and cant face work tomorrow. how can I? I haven't slept right for days. I'm a mess. don't knwo if I'm coming or going. Can't think. Missed medical appointments this week already. but im expected in and things are so fucked up and I can't face it. Any of it, any of this.