F This

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Adjunct Soul, Nov 7, 2015.

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  1. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    How many times am I going to build up my hopes in something only to come crashing down? Why would anyone want to hire me? At a certain point I think it is reasonable to concede and admit I really serve no productive purpose on the planet. I know these thoughts are irrational, but they make so much sense right now. Nearly 40, drain on family and friends. Why bother. I swear if it wouldn't screw my kids up so much I would end it right now. I am not afraid of pain. I am thinking a staged accident makes the most sense right now. Period of grieving for them, small life insurance policy to contribute to the family, I get to leave this horrible life of rejection and embarrassment.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, what makes you ashamed and an embarrassment? I'm sure your kids love you very much and to them you aren't an embarrassment. I wish I could help you out, if there's anything I can do let me know *hugs*
  3. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    That I am a well educated adult who cannot seem to provide for his family. I self-sabotage and undercut any chance at success and happiness and am setting a horrible example for my children. I also feel guilty that my wife has had to take on more responsibility to cover for my short-comings and has admittedly lost respect for me as a man. She calls her dad now for support and help. I am essentially the fourth child in the house. I appreciate this site and the wonderful work many of you do here, but scientifically survival of the fittest is real and I am not fit. I think it is braver to admit that than to keep fooling ones self otherwise. I do feel I am truly an exception and most on here have so much to live for.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Educated or not, many people have trouble especially in our recessionary times making ends meet. This does not make you weak. It makes you human. I do really feel for what you are going through though and am not trying to make it seem unimportant because your feelings and thoughts are of huge importance, what are your options do you think?
  5. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    A) Keep adjunct teaching and finish the PhD I regret starting - barely bringing in any money, maintaining status quo, no one happy
    B) Disappear and meet "accidental" demise - frees family from carrying me, possibly introduces new male role model down the road
    C) Die slowly, quietly as time and age take their toll - will need alcohol and drugs for this option
    D) Leave wife and family and start over where I only have myself to answer to and less repercussions for failure

    those are the options as I see them

    I do thank you for your concern, but I have thought this out. Perhaps your time would be better spent with a more salvageable prospect.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Maybe you should choose this one, it can't be nice for your kids and wife but it is better than ending your life. Make a goal for every so often and try and reach that goal, each time getting a bit more difficult but you will be pleased with the results. Pick things that need doing. Mine was to quit smoking, i mastered that one, now i'm trying to lose weight. Please keep yourself safe, you don't deserve to feel this way at all, no one does.
  7. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    None of those options, save the first is even like reasonable at all.
    Your family would not be better off without you. And they would much rather have you with your problems than imagine a life without you.
    And that is so completely unfair to put your suffering and hurt feelings above what your family needs from you. And I promise you, you will come to regret any of those decisions that you might make.
    Stop seeing your personal worth as equated with how few defects you have, or how much people can depend on you. I mean, if that's the case then mass genocide on children would be open game. They seem to be 90% defective, and can only consume resources. But for some reason we're totally fine with that.
    You know why? Because people aren't cattle. And we don't just toss people on the conveyor belt so that when they come out we can consume what they produce. So your worth isn't in any way associated with those things.
    I've found that philosophically it's compatible with most people's beliefs, (save maybe nihilists) that the worth of a human being is intrinsic. So regardless of how much you may be lacking, or how far our lives can plunge us into despair, we are still the most advanced species in the galaxy. We possess more intelligence, more physical evolutionary advantages, and more social structures than any other species.
    We are fantastic, and you are apart of us. SO, my value and everyone else's is only complimented by yours. However imperfect your contribution is, mine is equally so.
    So, hang in there, and I'm telling you as much as it is a struggle right now, it's like farming. Eventually you get to harvest the fruits of your labor buddy. And you're going to want something to be there.
    4 people like this.
  8. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Oh? Adjunct, I do not see any for instant gratification? a New male role model? he is the one that may like kids or may not, especially someone else's, I can see a whole new ball of worms there. Disappear, an accident? Die slowly, Alcohol and drugs, again I see an impatience possible, just leave, an do what? I have thought all of those over.
    I Will not mention the first or was it the 2nd post or reply you got here, we are back to the original premise? We are pro life here, I am sorry didn't someone mention that before? We will do all we can to help preserve life, right now I know several people that are preparing for a confrontation of sorts to try and help YOU stay alive, do you imagine we just throw in the towel? I sincerely hope that you change your mind, Please do not hurt yourself, I am thinking of your kids, I don't even know them, but I know others that have lost a parent, I do not want to make you feel guilty, we are not here to try an make you feel worse, we want you to feel better, I know and believe that you can, you cannot see them because you are in darkness, you are so hurting you cannot see what is looking up to you and hoping that you will get better even if you have some imperfections or Faults. I know it is terrible to be human, you just happened to be born into an imperfect race. it is not your fault or mine but here we are stuck with it!, You can do this Adjunct, there are others in here that have done it, I have to tell you it does not happen over night even in a week or month some times a year or more, It can happen, When and if you want it that much. Do You? We have No Power Over you! This Choice is all Yours, Please Choose life for you and your Family! No! it is not easy but when was life anywhere easy? We Are Here For You!
    I for One, Have No Choice, I vote For You!
  9. Adjunct Soul

    Adjunct Soul Member

    I can only describe to you the image of a man openly weeping onto his laptop keyboard, overwhelmed by the unconditional caring and reaching out of an anonymous forum. I can't tell if the tears are happy, sad, relieved or what - but the reaction is real and visceral. First strong feeling I have had that does not involve hurting myself. I want to believe what you are all positing, I really do. I just have trouble fathoming "waiting" to feel better. What if it doesn't happen? My mind plays out hundreds of scenarios every day, most of which do not have favorable outcomes. I want to succeed and I am not lazy or selfish, but I do feel jinxed. I will try to find small goals to celebrate each day or week. I suppose I could start running again; I did have a precent decent half-marathon finish time. Always wanted to try a full. And I guess I would really regret not seeing the new Star Wars movie - so that is a goal, kind of:) but if JarJar even shows his face...
    I mostly think I want to get better for myself. If divorce is to happen, I need to know I can still be a father, semi-productive citizen and so forth with relying on anyone else. These are empty words without action, I understand. Depression can feel like great days followed by weeks of relapse into darkness. The best I can do right now is plod ahead with the best attitude I can muster on any given day and reassess in the new year. I want to feel better enough to share my experience as a success story and not a cautionary tale.

    Specifically, True-Lee, impatience and impulsivity are definitely traits I possess. They have been the driving force behind some very high highs and very low lows. Aeneas, I hate when my logic is out-logiced by another :) You made some very salient points.

    I wish I knew you all under more typical circumstances because I would love to buy a round and talk about more pleasant things.

  10. Aeneas

    Aeneas Well-Known Member

    You're a good person. But don't look at it as waiting. Because waiting is passive and that will only contribute to feelings of powerlessness. It's investing, planting and working. You're putting forth the effort, and that's what makes you in control of your self.
    So for sure, be patient with the effort that you're putting in.
    And I'm telling you, that the happiness comes. But it's just like food for your life. You get those precious high times and you need to immediately begin to cultivate again before you reach the hard times. And if you're on the up-and up and you keep doing what you can, then you'll find that more times than not, you can achieve (if not true happiness) at least lasting peace.
    And don't say, "If I get divorced."
    If you say that you love your wife, and you're going to do what it takes to become the man that you want to give her, then you're going to be okay. She's stood by you thus far, and maybe it's a tough situation right now, but you can't say what she will or won't do any more than she can do the same for you brother.
    Just be optimistic, that's going to be your first step to getting back on track.
    And of course we're going to be here to support you however we can.
  11. nothinman81

    nothinman81 Antiquities Friend

    All I can say is you aren't alone.

    A lot of what you're saying is very similar to how I feel. Right down to some of the ways out you mentioned. I think, as men in our mid 30's-40's, we're kind of a minority on sites like these. Or maybe we just don't express ourselves like other groups social groups do.

    I've found some people on here to be very supportive.

    I was off he site for a while, trying to get my life back together, but in trying, I think I really found out how truly screwed up I am.

    I don't have much advice, all I can say is we're all here still.
  12. anastasia33

    anastasia33 New Member

    i can relate to pretty much everything you said

    i don't understand people who say things like chin up, this won't last forever, things will get better. they never mention that although this is true they never remind us that it will get just as bad again at a later date, if not worse. and then i will have to go through it all again. i don't want to keep doing this over and over again. i've had enough.
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