How many times am I going to build up my hopes in something only to come crashing down? Why would anyone want to hire me? At a certain point I think it is reasonable to concede and admit I really serve no productive purpose on the planet. I know these thoughts are irrational, but they make so much sense right now. Nearly 40, drain on family and friends. Why bother. I swear if it wouldn't screw my kids up so much I would end it right now. I am not afraid of pain. I am thinking a staged accident makes the most sense right now. Period of grieving for them, small life insurance policy to contribute to the family, I get to leave this horrible life of rejection and embarrassment.