Face Down in the Dirt.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by love-scars, Sep 17, 2007.

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  1. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    I'm a sixteen year-old girl who loves a guy.

    Bet you've heard that one, haven't you?

    I know that when I'm done with this, everyone will tell me to move on, to get over it, to find someone better. But frankly I've been trying and I can't do that. I really really can't. And I don't want to because I am comfortable with him here, now, and forever.

    So if anyone has any other advice...

    I started dating a guy about a year and a half ago. He asked me out, he's my brother's best friend. We dated for nine days, and he broke it off with me. We spent the next bit dealing. Two days after the break up, he tried to rape me, by pinning me to his bed.

    But, to rewind a bit, the first night I spent talking to him, over MSN, he called himself LS or Lord of Shadows. He spoke in a manner that sounded as if it wasn't him, and yet 'web-cam'ing with me, proved it was. He spent most of the first night, calling me a slut, hurting me in every way possible over MSN, telling me he just wanted to fuck me, et cetera. And yet, at the end of his conversation, he begged me to stop talking to him, pleaded for me to find escape, never see him again and end it before it was too late.

    You're probably thinking I'm a retard.This went on for the nine days. This 'LS' telling me I was just some whore he was trying to set straight (his words exactly) and then the apparent 'real guy' who begged me to stop, because he didn't want to hurt me.

    He broke up with me. Then, he tried to rape me, under this 'LS' character, only to break into his bathroom, and hug me as I cried moments after he did it.

    He dated my cousin two months after, asking her out on my birthday, once again under 'LS'. He then disappeared.

    We worked as friends for a while, and then he forced me to give him a blowjob. Once. Then again, then once more before March Break. Again, after March Break. Then Again.

    And one day, in between this mess, he came to me about his love for my best friend. We took the bus to her mother's place, through the snow, he spent the day with her, and I told her of his love for her. We walked out, and we spent the ride back, cold and shivering, as he explained to me how much it hurt because he was too afraid to admit his own feelings.

    What you have to understand is, we've been friends since 2002. I had a crush on him since then, it came and went, and then this happened. I understood him.

    I set them up, and they started dating April 2nd. It was fine, I was in the background, re reading conversations, cutting myself up, admiring the fact that I had cut his name into my arm in February and it had scarred nicely.

    He forced me to give him a blowjob (and by that, I mean, making out, grabbing my head, seducing me telling me he'll love me, forcing my clothes off and bruising my breasts) again in June. By now, I had become emotionally attached. He had weaved a web of lies, to make me believe that what I did, and what he did, meant something.

    He went on vacation. Then he did it again a week when he came back, at the end of august (twice). I got drunk, told my best friend while under the influence, and she forgave him, and was mad at me.

    He did it again. Sunday morning, and Saturday night. Twice that night. Three times in 12 hours. And he told me he would love me if I had sex with him.

    It was set for Friday. This Friday. I ran and told my best friend. She walked to his house, slapped him around, got him to get on his knees, and fractured his ribs. And then, the next day, I felt so bad, I took the blame.I told her it was me. I told her I forced him.

    She forgave him. She hates me. She knows he forced me... I think. But I don't think anyone knows.. Because I smiled and laughed when it happened. I said yes I made myself look as if I wanted it.

    No one understood why. No one understood my mind.

    I don't even understand it

    So what did I do? I told him the truth.I'll only stop coming around if he beats me black and blue. He hates me. He tells me I was the biggest mistake of his life. That I ruin his life. I wrote him something... Here's what it said, and he stared at me and told me that I didn't know. That I didn't know if he felt that way or not.

    "I want you to hurt as much as I did.

    I wanted to take her away from you, I wanted to see you falter and break, and stay broken, and keep breaking more and more every minute of every day. I want you on your knees with YOUR wrists bleeding and your tears falling, begging everyone, asking why they won’t understand you. I want you to sit there and consider turning on the car in the garage and walking in the garage 20 minutes later so you can end it, die peacefully, like I have considered. I want you to scratch mine/Alex's name into your arm, and remind yourself over and over and over, every time you look in the mirror, or take a shower, or happen to glance down at your arm, of what you did and of how much it haunts you. Of what it was. I want you to tear yourself apart; I want you to love someone that could NEVER love you EVER. I want her to just be your friend, so you could be that close but that far away, tortured because you can hug her in a friendly manner, and look at her in the eyes, and spend your time with her, but to her, it will mean nothing more than friendship, than you happening to exist in the same area that she does. I want you to be used and beaten and bruised. I want your heart to explode inside of yourself and for you to be horribly convinced that you’re bleeding from the inside and you can't stop. I want you to start hearing voices in your head, I want you to start running from yourself, to be afraid to go to sleep because of the memories, the dreams that will torment you, only to wake up in the middle of the night to NOTHING but the warmth your tears have to offer to you and the lullaby of your dry sobs, as you cling onto yourself and the sheets to try and hide yourself from the world as if you shouldn't be there. I want you to go days without eating and sleeping because you are convinced you can't go on. I want you to start lulling yourself to sleep with thoughts of no tomorrow. I want you to lust over your own blood, and crave it. I want you to wake up every morning with an eerie sense of self-betrayal, walk down the school halls, smile, laugh, sing and be a person, without feeling. I want you to go home lock yourself in the bathroom every night, run a bath, and lie in the water sobbing as you think back to every mistake you've done. I want you to be disgusted in yourself for how well you can fake happiness, how you say you are fine and convince yourself you are, only to start dosing yourself in pills, knives, alcohol, drugs.... I want you to feel as if even in death you still corrupt everyone. I want you to remember me for the rest of your life, as that girl, who cared too much and you cared not enough. I want you to be afraid to love again because of how much it hurts. I want you to feel completely filthy whenever you kiss her, touch her. I want you to sit there and doubt your existence, your talents, your value, your future, even as everyone tells you that you shouldn't. I want you to beg someone to tell you they love you, and go home knowing it was a lie. I want you to hear the words you told me, that they would love you if you fucked them, and lose your breath over them. I want you to feel like you were nothing but a piece of meat, nothing but a dollar bill to wave in someone else's face. I want you to turn suicidal, I want you to spend night after night writing wills for your friends, and suicide notes telling people it was not their fault. I want you to see vision in your head of you alone, surrounded by the gravestone of all your friends, all dead, knowing the last thing you did to them was something like this. I want you to feel like every moment of your life, a knife is inside your chest and at every movement, at every breath, it keeps twisting and turning. I want you to hear someone call your name and for it to feel like poison to your ears. I want you to punch a mirror, watch it shatter, because it showed you the person you hate; yourself. I want you to die slowly, from the inside out, and cling onto what little you have, even if it's something like a person who doesn't love you but is willing to LIE to get a good sexual fix. I want you to hit rock bottom and scratch at the walls trying to get your way back up, your hands bleeding and stinging from all the dirt. I want you to talk and feel as if poison is leaking from your lips, I want you to kiss and touch and try to show someone affection while feeling as if you yourself are poison. I want you to look at the person who loves you, and whom you love, in the eye, and watch it fill with tears because of what you did. I want you to spend the rest of your life convinced the person who did this to you is not a bad person, just like I am convincing myself that you are not a bad person either. I want you to be cursed in LOVING the same person FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, while they love someone else, like I have been cursed for life. I want you to live the rest of your life knowing you meant NOTHING to the person who meant EVERYTHING to you.

    Then maybe, you might know what I've gone through."

    And now? After I finished taking all the blame for him, to give him another chance, I've lost my best friend, because she hates me for wanting him, loving him, when he is rightfully hers.

    I want you to take this into consideration. For every cut and bruise he's ever mentally placed on me, he's sealed, he's healed, and kissed better.

    He hurts me and heals me.

    Another thing. The two were my only real friends.

    So I currently have nothing.

    Nothing, of course, but a plan to kill myself.

    He's going to beat me black and blue on Friday. The theory behind it is that he must hurt me to make me fear him and I will NEVER return. And after that, Saturday morning, I leave everything prepared, turn on my mother's car in the garage, fix myself breakfast, and twenty minutes later, walk into the garage and wait for the carbon monoxide to attach to the hemoglobin and suffocate my body.

    Peaceful death.

    I woke up this morning and it took me 1.5 hours to get out of bed, because I had no reason to move, to keep going.

    Help me.
  2. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    I just need to know that there is someone out there who cares. Someone out there who thinks that maybe, just maybe, I'm worth it.

    And yes, I'm needy, I want the attention, I want to have a boy who loves me and holds me and kisses it away. But even before then, I need someone..

    ..someone who will say 'yea. I'm here'

    Because everyone is walking away...
  3. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    Well I read what you wrote.
    So correct me if Im wrong but you love and hate this person?
    If you want to talk gimmie a shout.
    Although I may not be the best at advice.
  4. crisis4Life

    crisis4Life Member

    Hey hun... I don't know how great my advice to you can be, nor can I pretend to tell you I know what you are going through.

    However, I do feel your pain, and will be here for you if you need someone. Feel free to pm me anytime. I can see you probably cared deeply for this person, but you don't deserve to be beaten (no matter how great he heals afterwards). You deserve someone to be there for you, to help you out, and heal what you are feeling, not what they have beaten into you to feel.

    Like I said, I am willing to talk if you need it, pm me any time. Take care hun
  5. debbiej

    debbiej Member

    That guy doesn't deserve you. He needs help and he knows it - and I think you realize that, too. I understand you when you say you don't want to let him go - because you love him. You have hormones to blame for that (the person who comes up with a medicine to get rid of stupid hormonal problems like that is great in my book), so know that it's not all your fault what he does to you. And once again, you don't need any of that junk from him.

    You shouldn't kill yourself Friday, or ever. I truly feel your pain, dear. I, too, felt as though I had no real friends after I went through a rough time, and I too wanted to kill myself. Sometimes, I still think to myself, "I don't want to be here. I quit. I can't take this." Sometimes, I get up an hour, two hours late because I had no will to move -- that is, assuming I slept. I still have my nights where I don't sleep. You're not alone in these things.

    If I may make a suggestion - this is but a suggestion, of course - please, go out and meet new people. If you're really going to end everything on Friday, then what have you got to lose? You've got nothing to lose by talking to someone -- but you've got a whole life to gain if you find another reason to live. Now, do yourself a favor after that: Don't go see him Friday. Don't even talk to him. If he comes near you call the police.

    Please, reconsider your plans. There are people in this world that absolutely love you with everything they've got - and sometimes, you learn that the hard way, like I did. For me, it took a crisis and a near-suicide attempt to realize there are people out there that don't care who you are, what you look like, or what kind of things you've done - they only want to help.

    My PM box is always open to you. Please, just hold on a little while longer. Once you reach a breaking point, and you hit rock bottom, where else can you go, but up?

  6. whynotme?

    whynotme? Well-Known Member

    oh my god, if only i had had that whole montage to send to my ex four years ago!

    i feel exactly how you do! i had the same things happen (except it wasn't my best friend) my ex did the same style things to me. I thought i was crazy! she (im bi) used to "change" into her friends, who didn't like me, and try and kill me!

    can i pm you please??

  7. ybt

    ybt Guest

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