Face to face with death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Koji, Mar 19, 2015.

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  1. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure if this is the right section for this, if it's not then hopefully it can be moved easily.

    I want to share the story of the closest i came to dying. I had a few close calls with death over the years from different causes, but this was the closest, and it was when i nearly killed myself.

    It was 14 years ago, and i won't get into the reason, but i had just lost all hope for happiness and i could see nothing but lonliness and misery in store for me for the remainder of my days. So I took a walk far into the woods to take my own life. There would be no attempting for me, like Master Yoda said, i either would, or would not. There was no one around to help me, it was just me and the trees. I got to an arbitrary spot that i thought was far enough in, and got ready.

    I stood there, with only the final act left to do. It was the only decision left to make, to do it or not. I got a vivid picture in my mind of what i was about to do. It was like standing on the ground in front of a wall of fog, completely opaque, completely soundless, with absolutely no way to tell what was within it. I couldn't tell how big it was, I couldn't see if the ground fell away immediately behind it, i simply knew nothing about it. And it was this that i was one step away from. I thought of where i was standing then, in a world where i still had friends and family, where there might be some solution that i just couldn't see. But more importantly, it was a world, a universe, that i knew, that i could see and hear and sense and learn about the unknowns that were still in it. I could understand it, feel it, and imagine it.

    Not that wall of fog though. It offered nothing but the unknkown, the incomprehensible, the unimaginable.

    I felt fear, but i also felt something hard to describe...maybe like that feeling you get when you're leaving the house to go somewhere and have a fleeting thought that you forgot something.

    So instead of stepping in, i decided to step away, back to my friends and family, back to the hopelessness and misery, back to what i knew.

    I hope this doesn't come across as implying validation for suicide, but it just makes me chuckle a bit to myself when i read or hear comments like 'Suicide is "this"' or 'Suicide won't solve "that"'. How could they possibly know that? There's only one thing i know about suicide, and it's the only thing i believe anyone knows about it.

    Suicide is death.

    Today i'm still suicidal, and i still don't know what's in that fog, and have no beliefs about what is in there. We all have to go in there someday, by our own hand or not. Does that make a difference? Does anything?

    If you are also standing at the edge of that fog, and thinking of taking one more step, I hope you first realize that no matter if you're religious or not, no matter what you believe, you don't know what's in there.

    And i can't tell you what is, because i don't know either, and neither can anyone else on this side of the fog.
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I found this very thought provoking and not a validation of suicide at all. You are stating a fact - no one knows what is on the other side. That gave you pause in your moment of crisis and I hope it gives others pause, who read this.
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Should be a sticky for people to read...

    :hug: this is one of the best descriptions I've read in a long time about this feeling.
  4. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. I was kind of worried it might be upsetting, but i just wanted to be honest.
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