Faceless Forgotten Loser

[Forgotten_Man]

You know these days I wonder why I even bother writing stuff on the net? Other than typing is so much easier for me than writing. I mean really it is not just here. It is everywhere, no one seems to give two shits that I am even alive. When I post here I get nothing it does not matter what I do or say. I guess I am just beyond help.

I do not know what I am doing wrong anymore. I guess I am not threatening to kill myself good enough. Everyone here knows that I am not going to kill myself. I guess time needs to be spent on other people. Not someone like me who just wants to talk to get input or feedback or something. Granted everyone will tell me that I am just not listening or trying. I guess that is the good part about the net. people can just give up on me.

It is not like this is the only place either. Fuck I open up a facebook account after years of family and online friends begging me to. However, since I do not spam with pictures. No one seems to give a shit that I am even here. I am lucky if I even get a like these days. Not that I put a lot of effort I do not post very often and like I said I do not spam like everyone else I know does. I also do not add every twit I can. So I guess it is no surprise I am as ambient as ever. Fuck I bet the only time my facebook account will get any attention is once I die.

Then there is the family communication. Thing, the only person who wants to talk to me is my mom. You know what I do not really like my mom and do not really give a shit. She is not a down to earth person and I am not wanting to waste my time on her vain effort to rekindle a worth while relationship. Not like she did not waste my entire childhood taking care of my sisters. Now she realizes that there was nothing between us. Not that I am going to say much. She has always been paranoid and controlling and I want nothing to do with that.

Plus the one family member I tried to open up too is too busy for me. I guess that is life though. I am not worth the 20 to 30 minutes it takes to write an email. I am not worth the brain power either. After all, god forbid I actually have emotional problems or anything other than a narcissistic view on life.

Oh well.. at least now I might be able to sleep.

 

[morning rush]

I can relate to you about people not replying to me...I used to get really mad here that barely no one replied and the only kind of reply I would get were brief telling me not to do it and that they cared, yet they never responded to my other comments on the thread...but then I realized recently that sometimes I really don't know what to say, and I'm afraid that what I say backfires and makes the person feel worse...still I know that a comment is better than nothing...so now I try to post whenever I can...

about family, well I do have facebook too, and no one cares there. I had to email my family to like my jewelry page and not all liked it...although they said they did...I don't insist, I just let go...

only person that cares about me is my mom...but I have a good relationship with her...but the rest of my family is MIA...

so now I do things for me, and I ask people to listen to me, 'cause apparently not everyone is keen to do it instinctively...I find it hard though to impose myself, but it pays off when I do...and I don't feel this anger bottling inside of me and resentment...so I think I am worth it...you should too, it relieves a lot of emotions

 

[Forgotten_Man]

@morning rushI can understand people not knowing what to say. I tend to have that effect on people. Maybe it is because I am too complete in my posts. I do write a lot and I have a bad habit of justifying myself.

As for Facebook, I do not let it bother me too much anymore. After all, I rarely have anything to say about people's posts. I draw as much of a blank as they do. So I cannot hold it against them.

As for imposing myself on my family. I have tried that, it doesn't work in my case. Because my family is just so busy. After all, keeping up social ties is more beneficial than keeping up family ties. Plus I have nothing in common with my family. So I do not know how to respond to them. So I guess it all works out. At least I am not fake about my interest in their life.

 

[Much afraid]

Family is hard and seems to get harder the older we get. I try to respond but I worry I sound stupid or I'll say the wrong thing. Guess I just need to take the chance ~ better to say the wrong thing (maybe) than to not say anything. At the very least I can let you know you were heard and understood.

 

[prakash]

Interesting post. But when I clicked on links for photos at the bottom, I did not see any photo. Perhaps I need to be signed in.
Anyway your thoughts show you are severely depressed. Keep writing on Facebook and also here. We read. Sometimes I read but do not reply.
People care and the world is not so bad that no one cares. But first and foremost you have to take care of yourself.
You are lucky you have a mom to care for you. Do not hold drudge against her for not taking of you as much as you would like.
Holding grudge against mom or dad is not good. Instead be thankful to them for their love and affection.
Also thank me for writing to you all this. Not that I need your thanks, but if you do this will show that you are learning to give rather than always
wanting to get.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

@Much afraid: that is the problem, what to say. I know I lurk plenty because I cannot say anything helpful. Most threads I read the only thing I can think of saying is "Your reasons are better than mine".

Family is a charade at best. I have no reason to see my family ever. I guess that is why I like my dad's side of the family more. They do not get all pissy at me when years go by with no contact.

@prakash:the links in my signature are QR codes. You need a QR Code reader to read them.

I had a good laugh at your message about my mom and dad giving me affection. That was a good one. They gave me jack squat. That is until I went to college and suddenly was absent from their lives. In fact it took my dad the whole duration of my college career to even notice that I was gone. With my mom it took a couple of months. Guess why she even called. It was to yell at me for not calling enough. My dad showed an interest so that he could brag about my degree. Even though he did nothing but provide sperm.

I know that if someone told me that they could make it so I had no family. I would not even have to think about it. I would say yes and pay any cost.


Thank you for your thoughts. I do my best to give here and to give to my family. However, when I am greeted with smiles and kindness and then given broken electronics. Well you can imagine that gets old really fast. It show how much your family cares when they always as you for advice on computer problems. Or when all of your family asks you why you never call when they also never call. That is a good one as well.

 

[skinnylove911]

i can so relate to how you are feeling i find that no-one gives a damn aboout me on facebook its like im pernamently invisble and i hate seeing pictures of my ex friends and cousins out partying every night whilst sat at home on fb and other forums.

 

[snarrylover]

I think other's have already hit the nail on the head - sometimes we just don't know what to say. There are times I've written out a reply to someone on here and then deleted it because it's sounded too harsh, or too self-involved. I'm scared of making things worse.

There are also a lot of people in the world - our friends and family - that don't understand what we are going through, the way we think and feel, the way their actions and words hurt us. I believe it's not that they don't care - they just don't know what to do, and our misery makes them uncomfortable so they back away and lock themselves into their happy little worlds.

As for facebook...boy, do I know that feeling. I used to post about stuff that mattered and it would get ignored...and then someone else would post about getting their hair and nails done and it would get loads of "likes." It's an amazingly shallow world we live in and the internet can be just as bad as it is good.

But I think there's a kind of beauty with this site. When someone hasn't posted for a while...someone will notice, and they will think about you and hope you are OK.

 

[prakash]

HI - I read your posts in the thread where you write your diary... like brooding ... Your writings are interesting.. they reflect your depression.. your suicidal thoughts.... I have a very deal friend who is also depressed and I can empathize with people like you who have similar symptoms...... You are very honest in writing your feelings..... You should continue to write here so as to vent out your emotions .... this will give you relief..... please continue to write here.... also it seems you have too much dislike for your relatives.... I too sometimes dislike many people and my wife tells me that I always find faults with people and that I need to think of positives in people and not always look at their faults ...... It seems your relatives have not helped you when you needed them but remember they were or are also facing issues of their own ..... every one has their own issues ....

 

[Forgotten_Man]

i can so relate to how you are feeling i find that no-one gives a damn aboout me on facebook its like im pernamently invisble and i hate seeing pictures of my ex friends and cousins out partying every night whilst sat at home on fb and other forums.

Hence why I do not even go into the albums on facebook anymore.

HI - I read your posts in the thread where you write your diary... like brooding ... Your writings are interesting.. they reflect your depression.. your suicidal thoughts.... I have a very deal friend who is also depressed and I can empathize with people like you who have similar symptoms...... You are very honest in writing your feelings..... You should continue to write here so as to vent out your emotions .... this will give you relief..... please continue to write here.... also it seems you have too much dislike for your relatives.... I too sometimes dislike many people and my wife tells me that I always find faults with people and that I need to think of positives in people and not always look at their faults ...... It seems your relatives have not helped you when you needed them but remember they were or are also facing issues of their own ..... every one has their own issues ....

I have been writitng my feelings for years. To be honest, it has stopped having as much of an affect on me. I still do it though, it helps me sleep when my mind runs. More or less these days my blogs are just ways for me to document my feelings for after I die. That way my family can come to their own conclusions based on my writings. Otherwise, it is just like someone who has been doing drugs for years. They just keep doing them. They have no real affect on the individual, but they keep doing it anyway.

I also understand that people have their own lives as well. I am just fine with that. It is just when they say stuff like "I just want you to be happy" or "I would be devastated if you died" and then there is silence for months that it tends to hurt.

As for seeing the best in people. I have done that, believed that people were inherently good. What has that gotten me. A leech for a roommate, a family who only wants tech support, and oh yeah I get to be alone and miserable. We come back to the never-ending conundrum of the world. People tell me to do something, like see the good in others, and I say they need to show it to me first. Both sides have nothing to lose really so one has to give in.

 

[prakash]

Hello "forgotten_man" - I am glad you responded to my post. From your writing it seems that you are full of negativity. Also you are thinking of suicide. This is serious. This means you need to see a psychotherapist on a regular basis. You are a developer. This means you make good money. Please start seeing a good therapist on a regular basis. Also see a doctor and ask him or her to put you on medication like Prozac or something like that. I have a friend whose son is your age and he has the same kind of symptoms as you have. After years of ignoring the doctors now he has started seeing a therapist and taking meds. He is improving.

Yes. people are selfish. I myself feel that many people have used me. Once they have gotten what they wanted they do not care about me. My wife tells me to forgive these people and I tell myself to break off with these fellows and make new friends. I do what is my habit which is to break off from people who only use me or who only want to get and never give. I hate overly selfish people.

Your relatives are fine. I think you expect too much from them. Forgive your parents if they failed you. Never speak bad of your parents. Your dad seems to be uncaring. Let him be that way!!! But do not speak bad of him. Do not say that he only gave sperm. If he does not or did not care about you, this is no reason to curse him in public or on blogs.

You are an adult now. Become strong and say each night before going to sleep, "O, Lord, give me the strength and make me strong. Give me strength to caste aside all my negative thoughts and fill my mind with positive, optimistic thoughts. Lord, make me strong , make me a man!!! "

I am a Hindu and when I feel weak I pray to Lord Shiva who is symbol of asceticism. I pray to him to make me strong and also eliminate my attachment with materialism and worldliness. You should pray to Jesus or another God. But pray and seek strength from God.

I read your blogs on BlogSpot.com. You are a prolific writer. It will be huge loss to the world if you committed suicide. It seems you are technically superior to me. I thought I knew about computers but you are far superior to me. Then why think of suicide???

 

[Forgotten_Man]

@prakash:I refuse to take drugs. That is just who I am. If I am going to have chemical dependence then I will just be a alcoholic. That is far cheaper and will get me the same results. I cannot count the number of stories on here where the people were on drugs, vanished and then came back once they were off the drugs. Antidepressants are just a mostly legal narcotic. Forcing people into a lifetime of dependence on a pill. Just because it is precieved that the human race is fighting extinction. There is no reason to preserve losers like me.

I laughed at your comment about a "good therapist". I have no way of determining a good one from a bad one. Chances are I will blow a few thousand dollars trying to get better before I realize that the therapist sucks. Plus, what incentive does a therapist have to fix me? After all, why turn lose a regular paycheck? Given the extreme saturation of therapists in the world, I have no faith in any of them.

Another problem I have is that I have no idea how to make friends. I am that stupid, so I cannot go out and make new friends. Not that my current experiences give me some kind of drive to make new friends. After all, why deal with other people when it is just easier to be alone and do my own thing? I am planning on cutting off my roommate in a year. However, I am stuck with him for the time being.

I will curse my parents if I want too. I curse the day they both decided to not use birth control, of any kind. I do not think I ask much of my family. Considering how much effort my sisters put into keeping up with each other. Regardless I am going to ask nothing of them. I am curious as to how that will go over on the holidays. Either way, I know I want to work to the point where I never have to see them again. I am almost to that point with my dad's side of the family.

Belief in a diety is not something that I do. If I believe in the super natural I am cursed to have to keep living. I feel that Bender, from Futurama, put it best "I would kill myself now if I had to live another life". My whole suicide belief system is built around me ceasing to exist after I die. Because there is no greater hell than my continued existence. I have just accepted that I am weak and stupid and just need to be snuffed out. That way my resources can be put to better use. You know by pedophiles, rapists, drug lords, drug addicts, serial killers. People like that.

I actually had to go check which blog you were talking about. I keep so many. I do not generally write much because my website comes first. Regardless, I need to getto wwork on another thing. I need to write more about why I should die. I do not think I am that great of a writer. After all, I just scream to the wall most days with these posts. The world loses nothing from my death.

Actually I am far inferior to you because I am too stupid to figure out two things. The first is how to make friends. You know how to make people genuinely like me and want to be around me. I have no idea how to do that. I also do not know how to obtain a mate. Sadly nature has cursed me to automatically make me a vile disgusting being that no female would ever want. Even if I was the last guy alive and the human race depended on us reproducing. So you are superior to me because you have two essential human survival skills. If we did not live in such a convenient society. I would have already been killed off from starvation or from robbers or something like that. However, since we live in a society that coddles the weak and broken I am cursed to keep living. However, I will end all of that once my cat dies. I guess I had better get on my 401k so that way my mom can get a partial refund for the mistake she made. I really hope that my mom doesn't waste that money on a funeral. Seriously it would be depressing. Only the family would be there. Best for the family to not see how pathetic I really am.

 

[prakash]

Hi "forgotten_man" - nice post. I have a relative who has same symptoms that you have. So I understand your feelings. You have extreme self-hate, you think very low of yourself. You think that suicide is better than trying to get better. Please do something on these points. You need to STOP thinking that you are a miserable fellow, a man worth very little. You also need to STOP thinking that suicide is better. My experience is that yes therapists are there to make money, some of them (or even most of them but not all of them) may try to prolong your visits to them so as to keep on milking the cow. But their job is to help you, to give you good advice. If you act on their advice, you will get better. If you do not act on their advice, if you always suspect that they are out to sabotage your recovery then it will not work and you will keep on visiting them for ever. You say you will die when your cat dies. The fact that you love your cat is a good thing. Get another cat so when one of them dies there is still another one to love. Think like this, if your cat dies, you will get another cat and love it. If my wife dies, I am not going to kill myself. If my son dies I am not going to harm myself. This is because I know that death is inevitable. One day I tool will die. So, why take death so seriously? If my son kills himself via suicide I will think for some time that I did not help enough to keep him from killing himself, but I am not going to brood over it, I am not going to blame myself day in and day out.

Yes. you lack skills to make friends. Once I too did not know how to make friends. Even today I do not have many good friends. I had to learn the art of making friend. One of my relatives has the same problem. He does not know how to make friends but his therapist is giving him tips on how to make friends. You should read books that teach you how to make friends and act on their advice. When you have learnt so much about IT you can also learn to make friends.

God may not exist the way we perceive him. I too do not believe that God lives there or where they say he lives. God lives in our heart, this also is said. But I believe in God enough to pray to him when I need him to give me strength. You can say I am an opportunist. But so be it. I pray to God when I need him and do not pray when I do not. I know that God is so forgiving that he will forgive my opportunism. This is because I am a weak mortal while he is all powerful. So, use God when you need him. Think of him as your father or think of the goddess as your mother and pray to him or her. God will help you by giving you mental strength.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

@prakash: I find that I believe that we see the world as it is for us. Those who have high self-esteem have good reason to have it. People like me have equally good reason to have our views. It is because it is the truth at the end of the day. You can sprinkle glitter on a turd, that does not make it any less of a turd. You can try and coat the stench with something more pleasant, but at the end of the day that stench is just mixing with the pleasant one to give off a good lie for all.

As for therapy, I see no reason to work years at it to one day be happy when I am on the decline. I figure most people are in therapy for decades. So I will not actually be fixed until I am in my 50s. At which point there is no reason to even try because my body is going to rapidly fail. So why not just get it over with now. The money I could use to fail to fix myself is better put up as a refund to my mom for not getting an abortion.

I have read books and they have done nothing for me. I have gone out with guys who have succeeded with the lessons in those books and had them coach me, again nothing. I am just too stupid to be able to do something like that. If I could not figure it out when I was a kid, there is even less chance to figure it out when I am an adult. Since our brains are not as flexible as we want them to be as we get older.

I get a good laugh out of your IT comment. Because now I get to explain to you why book smarts and social smarts are two VERY different things. The first and most obvious reason is that book smarts come with an answer, especially in the CS/IT world. When I am working on a piece of software. I know that when I make a for loop it will do what it is supposed too. I know how to do math. I know how to do what needs to be done. If something fails to work the way I want it too. I can easily find the answer online or I can take time and troubleshoot the answer. As where social smarts you do not get that luxury.

With social smarts there can be no correct answer. There can be days when something that has always worked in the past decides to not work today. With social smarts you have to be able to adapt every time. There is no generic set of rules that I can follow to figure out the problem or seduce a person. Nope I have no framework to work with. That is the difference between books smarts and social smarts. Book smarts there is an answer and it is very cut and dry.

I will never pray to any diety who has clearly put me here on the planet for their own amusement. When they are having a bad day they can look down on me and think "I wonder what I can do to make him suffer today". So there is no reason for me to even give them a second thought. Plus there is the whole after life deal. I do not want to exist anymore. Death will be like a nice wonderful eraser on my life. It will rub me out of existence and I will forever be gone. There will be nothing left of me.

Also I am not getting another kitty. It is not right for me to pin my life on another life. Whether or it that life is human or not. It is unfair to whatever life I am sucking up. So I am not going to do that. It is just plain mean. All the kitties of the world deserve better than me anyway. The only reason my current kitty is ok because I am an improvement from her previous condition. So yeah it was bad for her. Plus like I said the whole life thing. The only reason I was willing to take on a kitty was because I was having sex at the time and the girl thought the visiting kitties were cute. I would not have been so keen to adopt if I had not been having sex at the time. However, now I am stuck and I do not want to give the kitty up just so I can die. That is not fair to her.

 

[prakash]

Hi- I read your post. I can reply to you in detail, but right now I have less time. The only thing I will tell you is that your are severely depressed which manifests in your very low self-esteem and extreme negativity about everything. You are clever with words and with technology but you are not using your skills and assets to gain self-confidence, self-esteem, and positive thinking.
God is kind and compassionate. He never laughs at us. If he started behaving like men, he would not be God. He loves us all and does not like racism, racial hatred, suicidal thoughts etc. He does not like his children fighting amongst themselves on the basis of race, religion etc. It pains him when his child like you thinks so low of himself and wants to kill himself. This is my conception of God. I rely on him to help me. I use him just like a child uses his parents to survive and learn things.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

@prakash I will wait for your response.

 

[prakash]

I have written enough already. (See above). Now you need to act on my advice. Action speaks louder than words.
If you want to learn more about Hindu Gods and goddesses, visit the link below.
http://myads.org/hindu_gods/index.shtml

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Okay, thanks for the input. I will now return to my acceptance of my inferiority and eventual suicide.

 

[Percarus]

Just some quick sagely advice about family/friend communication... Most people are not sentimental or care about other's feelings, unlike most in this forum. My family only communicates with each other once every year or two, and that to me is an atrocity. I write to them regular emails, and I never get any replies back so I make an effort to talk to them over the phone. My friends are pretty much the same way too... But what you have to notice is that by never giving up communication others indeed do care for you to a greater extent than you may actually care for them (mainly because they don't tend to say much in the means of news). So what if they don't reply often enough, at least they are not telling you to buzz off! You are still making your presence known and letting them know you care and given time your typing skills improve on the emotional level - heck, it would be easy to type a page in ten minutes to the savvy commuter, it is not a long time.

If you have little emotional connection with the target of your phone calls or emails just rest assured that given time of regular communication you would feel a greater degree of sympathy for them. Ties are too precious to go to waste and if others won't be the leader of the pack that leaves room for you.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Just some quick sagely advice about family/friend communication... Most people are not sentimental or care about other's feelings, unlike most in this forum. My family only communicates with each other once every year or two, and that to me is an atrocity. I write to them regular emails, and I never get any replies back so I make an effort to talk to them over the phone. My friends are pretty much the same way too... But what you have to notice is that by never giving up communication others indeed do care for you to a greater extent than you may actually care for them (mainly because they don't tend to say much in the means of news). So what if they don't reply often enough, at least they are not telling you to buzz off! You are still making your presence known and letting them know you care and given time your typing skills improve on the emotional level - heck, it would be easy to type a page in ten minutes to the savvy commuter, it is not a long time.

If you have little emotional connection with the target of your phone calls or emails just rest assured that given time of regular communication you would feel a greater degree of sympathy for them. Ties are too precious to go to waste and if others won't be the leader of the pack that leaves room for you.

All I can say is that I am jealous of you with your lack of communication. I honestly wish I could just be told to buzz off. I am really good at listening to that request.