Faceless Man (Please don't read this if you are feeling vulnerable)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Hangman, Nov 30, 2009.

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  1. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    I knew it would get out of hand. At first it was just a few cuts with a dull knife, now I <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Details>. I can’t help myself anymore, I can’t contain these feelings, bottle them up like this. Cause that cork is going to pop soon, right in my fucking eye. I try to stop, ignore the pain, the craving for blood; but eventually I have to do it. I promise myself, only one cut this time, but once the blood starts to run I just can’t stop the motion. I love the feeling, the controlled physical pain that I cause myself; it’s the best of feeling at the time. There really isn’t anything like it, the sting, the burn; and I just want it to last forever, keep the wounds open for eternity.

    I wonder if I would feel like this if I hadn’t started this stupid shit. I wonder if I could feel anything else than shit without the razor sharp edge that I have come to trust so well. It is my best friend now, a tiny piece of metal engineered and sold to shave faces with perfection. I trust if more than I trust anyone else, cause I know what it will do, what we will do together. I know that the pain will come and go as I make the first stroke, the physical pain slips in, and the psychological pain fades.

    I find it hard to breath today, it feels so forced; like my body would just stop if I didn’t push it. My heart is beating hard, also forced, like it wants to stop the cycle. I would gladly welcome it, deprive myself from the life-giving oxygen, keep the liquid in my veins from moving. I know this would kill me, and I would welcome it with open arms, cause I don’t want to live like this! FUCK! If I could die right now, this second, I would take the chance without hesitation. Cause I can’t do it myself, I can’t kill myself.

    I’ve had the weirdest feeling lately, when I look myself in the mirror. It’s like I’m not there anymore, like there’s this stranger standing there, staring back. I realized today that I don’t recognize myself, I don’t know why, I just don’t. My eyes look hollow, like something is missing, and my lips are just paralyzed, left without expression. This actually scared me a little, to feel faceless; yeah, that’s just the word. I feel faceless. So I decided not to look in the mirror anymore, to avoid my reflection at all cost.

    I’m hoping for something to change soon, either for the better or for the worse. I want it to get better; I want to feel like life is worth living. But I don’t want to wait in vain; if it got worse I would maybe have the courage to quit it, let life fade away. I know that I would probably go to hell for it, but what the hell, can’t be worse than this!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2009
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just wanted you to know that I read your post. Here if you want to talk.
     
  3. Hangman

    Hangman Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I felt like a trainwreck yesterday. Today is much better, feels good to just get it off my chest.
     
  4. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    im here too if u ever need to talk :hug:
     
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