Facing it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LunaShadow, Oct 29, 2012.

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  1. LunaShadow

    LunaShadow Active Member

    I don't think, I've ever really thought about how often I have suicidal thoughts and feelings, just that at times they've been almost overwhelming, and at others, just a faint murmur, comforting really.

    So I went home for the weekend to visit from college, and while it was so wonderful to be back, so great and and a relief to feel truly home, I felt despair at the same time. Because there is this wall, between me and my family and friends. I cannot, will not tell them how bad it's gotten at times, how lonely and isolated I feel (my location doesn't help) because I don't want them to worry about me. Don't want them to think I couldn't handle being out on my own and see me as less than I already am.

    So. Realizing this, as I'm walking home bringing takeout, I just look at the traffic sweeping by, and the urge to throw myself in front of those cars, the urge, the need to go to the nearest bridge and throw myself rushes me. And siting back here, back from my visit home, in a small town that thank gods I'm leaving in a month, I find myself wishing I could have done it.

    I already sense the urge to cut myself off from everyone rise within me, which is usually a good indication of an episode. Where killing myself seems more and more attractive, and the need to just fade away seems beautiful.

    To just...not give a damn anymore and just leave it all behind...unfortunately, I do have obligations, I do have a role to play, which I am always aware of. I will fight the good fight against these feelings and in the meantime, hurting myself will have to do.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    IN the meantime hun stop wearing that mask and give the people who love you a chance to support you . Don't let depression win hun not when it is treatable You talk to your family your doctor you do what ever it takes to feel alive again ok Stop wasting valuable time ok and get h elp hugs
  3. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Hey Luna,

    You should definitely talk to some of your loved ones about how you're feeling. i'm kinda amazed by something I've noticed: many people would rather show up dead than tell the truth. But the people who love you will be infinitely more traumatized by you showing up dead. Definitely reach out and talk to someone. Love. L
  4. LunaShadow

    LunaShadow Active Member

    Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. :)
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Luna - pleased to meet you and pleased that your have found SF and are reaching out for support. Hurting yourself is a kind of "self-opposition" when really, life would become so wonderful for you if you knew how to make your mind into your best friend.

    Check out my thread "Would you like to be re-made?" - this is all about how we can learn to make our minds into our best friends. I'm still learning it hun, but I know I'm in a completely different space to where I was 15 years ago (...anniversary coming up :( )........ I know it is possible to do, thank God. I still "oppose myself" mentally very frequently (because of what my attempt was about) - but at least now I can register what it is I'm doing, and can "truth-coach" my way out of it.

    And if someone like me can learn how to do it, there is hope for everyone :) Always willing to PM if you'd like to.
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