I don't think, I've ever really thought about how often I have suicidal thoughts and feelings, just that at times they've been almost overwhelming, and at others, just a faint murmur, comforting really. So I went home for the weekend to visit from college, and while it was so wonderful to be back, so great and and a relief to feel truly home, I felt despair at the same time. Because there is this wall, between me and my family and friends. I cannot, will not tell them how bad it's gotten at times, how lonely and isolated I feel (my location doesn't help) because I don't want them to worry about me. Don't want them to think I couldn't handle being out on my own and see me as less than I already am. So. Realizing this, as I'm walking home bringing takeout, I just look at the traffic sweeping by, and the urge to throw myself in front of those cars, the urge, the need to go to the nearest bridge and throw myself rushes me. And siting back here, back from my visit home, in a small town that thank gods I'm leaving in a month, I find myself wishing I could have done it. I already sense the urge to cut myself off from everyone rise within me, which is usually a good indication of an episode. Where killing myself seems more and more attractive, and the need to just fade away seems beautiful. To just...not give a damn anymore and just leave it all behind...unfortunately, I do have obligations, I do have a role to play, which I am always aware of. I will fight the good fight against these feelings and in the meantime, hurting myself will have to do.