I do not understand life. Does anyone? Life is so complicated that I do not think that anyone can comprehend what it means, even if they are happy or 'normal'. Or maybe I just do not understand myself? In April I tried to kill myself. <mod edit - methods>. Anyway, I won't go on about that. But even now, 2 months after my failed attempt, I still hate myself. The only thing that will make me want to make another attempt is if my best friend were to shut me out of his life. I didn't want to face reality. I was in denial, but now it pains me to face reality. I am gay and I love my best friend. That is why I hate myself... I know that logically I should not hate myself and many others will undoubtedly say the same thing. Anyway, he moved out of state and has only spoken to me once since he left. It feels like he is slowly shutting me out of his life, and with my current psychological state, that isn't something that I can handle. I miss him so much. All I want is for him to reassure me that we are still friends. But he won't reply to anything I send him. I can't tell him how I feel, but all I want is for him and I to still be friends. He means the world to me, not that many would be able to relate too. I love him, and have for 4 years. I cannot think of a life without him in it. I know that my logic and reasoning isn't aligning but it is hard to alter my thought process. It is hard; life is hard; taking to my psychiatrist about this is hard; being me is hard. I hate it and I only want to hit the reset button. Anyway, I don't know what I am writing this. I guess it is an outlet for me to release my suppression. I don't fully know or understand.