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Facing the abuser

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by TBear, Sep 7, 2009.

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  1. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    I am so on overload...

    The trial date is this Friday and I don't know how I can face the author of so much of my pain - yet I have to

    I am fighting so hard to protect myself and especially my young children.

    I moved through life disconnected because there was no other way to survive...He was a horrible, cruel, controlling man...Physically, emotionally, sexually abusive...

    He has been gone 3 years and is still fighting to get 50% custody of the youngest 3 children....

    I am running out of money...

    My oldest 4 will testify of his abuses and against him in court - they are stronger than I am - I will also testify, please G-d, I will have the strength

    I am terrified... but I can't give in!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I will pray TBear that the judge puts him away and never lets him near you or your kids You will stay strong because thats what we do when our kids lives are in jepoardy. You will stay strong because you won't let that bastard win. Know i will be praying for you. I hope you have a relative a friend who will stay with you and keep you safe mentally and strong as support will be needed when you do this. The flashbacks will be hard to keep at bay so please make sure you have support please. Remember to use breathing techniques to keep you calm and god the judge will have to see this ass needs to be locked up away from everyone. Please take care TBear as i said i will pray you stay safe.
  3. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Thank you -
    My therapist is going to be there...

    I have no family except my children

    I try to not tell so many of my friends as much as will come out in the trial - not everyone will understand, and I don't want my children looked at differently by the ignorant....they are good kids and deserve to be treated normally.

    Your words and prayers mean more than you could possibly realize.
  4. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    When my ex realized what would be brought out in court - he agreed to the divorce and supervised visitation only - maximum once a month for 2 hours with him required to pay $150/hour for the priviledge.

    I hope he never exercises his right - but if he does - the older children said that they want to go to make him so miserable that he will never do it again.

    It saved alot in legal fees, to settle without the full hearing; but also is a bit of a let down - we didn't get to have our say - but i'm not sure I wanted it...Just feel numb, can't believe it has taken so long to get through with this nightmare...and that "is it really over" feeling is still there.

    Still feel afraid - want him punished, but I guess that is G-d's department. Still feel like he could show up on my front door with a gun in his hand....he gives me the creeps - seeing him was awful.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think god heard the prayers and got this done as quickly as possible This is good as you and your children did not have to suffer anymore of his abuse. I am so happy for you now you can breath a little bit lighter. Can you get a restraint order to keep him bothering you. Yes and i do believe God will give him the pay back in time You just enjoy your victory I am happy for you take care.
  6. mike25

    mike25 Well-Known Member

    I think you're showing a considerable level of courage and dignity - it's intimidating when that person has scarred us mentally, but no matter what, you can feel proud when the ordeal is over. God Bless you.
  7. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    It hit me hard...much of what had gone on in the marriage was remembered in a very factual, intellectual listing of events - I had walled away all feelings and many memories for so long just to survive.

    Since he has been gone 3 and a half years, fighting the divorce, I had begun allowing myself to feel again - but you don't get to pick and choose feelings. This was the first time that I had seen him since I had accepted what he had done in its entirety, including the feelings associated with it. The pain is immense.

    Like facing someone for the "first time" with a clear head...who had emotionally and financially imprisoned, raped me, beat me and the children...who had killed pets and made us justify or even practically beg for sufficient clothing - like a winter coat, and not allowing the children to eat unless i was at home - apportioning food such that he always got the best.

    Controlling and cruel...The aftershocks of seeing him have sent me into a "tailspin" Like there is no future, no hope, I've lived with abuse from the time I was three - that is why the marriage was just a continuation of my childhood...Please G-d, with G-d's help, the pattern of abuse ends here..my kids and I are free and getting the help we need to not make the same mistakes again. But i feel so hopeless, so down, like all i can do is to get thru another day without wanting to end it all. Then one of my children buys me flowers...and I cry - something I had not done since i was 5, when I would be beaten until I quit crying...The tears come slowly now and i find it hard to believe i won't be hated or hurt for crying... but it is safe to feel now - even the pain

    I'm rambling now - just trying to say thanks for the responses...
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Thank god you can finally let all the pain out with your tears. Thank god you are safe I hope you have a therapist you can talk to about all these emotions returning and to help you heal. Your children are safe and you are now you can start really living. You are so strong to stand up to this animal and you won. Let the tears flow now and finally get rid of all of it Take care and i do hope you have help getting over all this trauma fro you and your children.
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