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Facing the Music as they Say

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#1
So I find myself getting overwhelmed at work. I have tried to keep it at bay and do the best that I can every day as I know that is all I can do.

But on Friday my boss closed the door to discuss with me a mistake in word choice in an email to him and today I know that I have to face a serious mistake I have made which I realized over the weekend. I feel like this is a repeat of previous experience (wont bore all with details) but suffice it to say...proceeded with "early retirement" and leaving 30 year career. Only to go back to school reinvent myself as they say and now facing the same situation.

I am seriously worried that given at will... I will be fired today and then what... we have this new house and substantial mortgage based on my having this job and not to mention I have health insurance....admit am wishing for a long overdue earthquake etc. but know that is just my wanting to not have to face the music that if I had just asked a simple question....all this could have been avoided and I would not be facing overwhelming feelings of not good thoughts....

Sorry to be a repeat of 3-4 years ago...and thanks for reading if you made it through this....clearly did not learn from my mistakes so am repeating it...so today will be facing the music as they say...
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#2
What was the mistake that you made? To me it looks like you're having trouble at a new job...that happens to a lot of people. It happened to me...I struggled for years at a job that I really hated but needed badly. Where is the mistake?
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#4
So when you say "learning from my mistakes" you mean that you've made that exact same mistake many times at the same job?
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#7
Everyone makes mistakes. And I'm sorry this one got so serious. Do you really think it will lead to the end of the job?

I made a HUGE mistake at my last job. And I only made it worse by fudging around with the mistake to try to make it better. Didn't work. Maybe since you and your boss are on the same page (hopefully) you have learned and can move forward? I hope so. I know what this feels like. I'm so sorry.
 

cymbele

SF Supporter
#9
I understand; I have had the same similar feeling and been proven right( not good outcomes). So I carry a lot of baggage from job to job knowing I could lose everything. It’s a lot of pressure. Can’t say much but I empathize and keep posting. SF saved me from myself by allowing me to vent and talk about my fears otherwise I would have gone over the rainbow bridge as they say. Mike, aka @1964dodge kept me going when I was struggling for 3 years recently. But it still is a lot of pressure and you try to do your best and when trouble arises you feel like crap.
hugs
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#10
Thank you all...after reviewing other examples and not being 3amish...I think it will be ok.... so will see in the next day or so.

Like @cymbel I carry as lot of baggage from previous job. as well as upbringing etc..so have low to zero self confidence ...just have to continue to try to do the best I can as that is all I can do...

my apologies for having vented to you all...but a sincere thank you for your caring, understanding and empathy...means more to me than you will ever know...
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#11
So I find myself getting overwhelmed at work. I have tried to keep it at bay and do the best that I can every day as I know that is all I can do.

But on Friday my boss closed the door to discuss with me a mistake in word choice in an email to him and today I know that I have to face a serious mistake I have made which I realized over the weekend. I feel like this is a repeat of previous experience (wont bore all with details) but suffice it to say...proceeded with "early retirement" and leaving 30 year career. Only to go back to school reinvent myself as they say and now facing the same situation.

I am seriously worried that given at will... I will be fired today and then what... we have this new house and substantial mortgage based on my having this job and not to mention I have health insurance....admit am wishing for a long overdue earthquake etc. but know that is just my wanting to not have to face the music that if I had just asked a simple question....all this could have been avoided and I would not be facing overwhelming feelings of not good thoughts....

Sorry to be a repeat of 3-4 years ago...and thanks for reading if you made it through this....clearly did not learn from my mistakes so am repeating it...so today will be facing the music as they say...
I hope this all works out for you @Kiwi2016 as I'm just reading this and so sorry for the stress and anxiety that you must have been feeling. Please, don't beat yourself up. Mistakes are in the past. Deep breath friend. I know, easy for me to say.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#13
i just saw this @Kiwi2016 . you have done a lot to get where you are. to actually go back to school and change careers is a very brave thing to do. you are a fantastic person with only one flaw. the flaw is you are human, you can't change that. and humans make mistakes, and yes even serious ones. i know you are strong enough to get through this. please tell us how it goes, we do care.

mike...*hug*shake
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#15
I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's such an awful feeling.
As has already been said, everybody makes a mistake at some point but it doesn't mean you'll only be judged on that. I'm glad that you think things will be okay now, keep us posted on how things are going yes?

And there's never any need to apologize for venting, that's what SF is here for.

Massive hugs *hug
 

Wary

Well-Known Member
#17
I know that awful sinking feeling, when you realize you have made an error at work. The self criticism; feeling of worthlessness and fear of judgment from others. Yet, some people can shrug such things off easily.
Until robots replace all of us, there is always going to be human error, on all levels. It happens at government level , all the way down...
Continue to believe in yourself and to do your best. It does pay off eventually. Don't let this rock your foundation. It is another challenge; an opportunity to practice NOT beating yourself up, this time.
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#18
Thank you all so much.

I am realizing that when I make a mistake it's like a one-two-three punch for me... 1) being it brings back everything from my "early retirement" from previous career 3 years ago; 2) the intense anxieties that my mother suffered from when she thought she had made a mistake as she too felt ultra-responsible as a mother, wife and pre-school teacher and 3) the single focus intensity/scrutiny I received from both my parents as an only child (I always have remembered a friend who remarked how my mother watched everything I did so I tended to act like I was on stage all the time and then my father who was a bi-polar perfectionist controller amongst other issues).

So though I try to be calm and rational I find myself spiraling and left wondering if it's environmental/circumstantial, learned behavior, or genetic or a combination of all three. My husband though loves me doesn't really know how to deal with this as is so opposite his own inner-being so I rarely share with him when I find myself facing this type of situation. As don't need his additional response which to me emotionally feels dismissive of what I am feeling though know that isn't his intent rather he is looking at it from a rational objective perspective.

So thank you all for all your kind words of encouragement , listening and understanding. You all are truly my rock foundation!

I will let you know if this time it all works out to be ok.
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#19
Hi there-as a reminder that you're in good company here on SF, I wanted to share a story with you about an event that happened to me last week. First a quick overview-anxiety disorder has been an issue for me since the age of 12 (I'm 58 today). For decades my problems with anxiety have been a source of deep shame...for many years I tried everything to hide the truth of my circumstance. Back in the 90's people who thought they knew me really well didn't know me at all. They didn't understand the demon(s) that I was wrestling with every single minute of my waking life. I hit rock bottom in 1993-my life was paralyzed by my anxiety disorder. I couldn't hold down a job, couldn't get out of bed for days-even the smallest relationship sent me into fits of anxiety. In 1998 I had a break-through and things started to turn around. My social anxieties lessened considerably.

Between then and now I'd narrowed down to just a few, the issues that triggered me and sent me into full meltdown mode. For most of that time I was married. My biggest trigger-driving on freeways and-or in dark, unfamiliar places was never an issue, because I was always with my husband, he was always driving. We got divorced last year....which brings me to what happened last week. A dear, old friend came into town-we worked closely together for many years a long time ago. But we've kept in touch through social media. He'd come to town to celebrate his 60th birthday. What could be simpler than going to a birthday party to see a dear, old friend? But-from the start, my night that night was not simple. I got lost trying to find the place where the party was. My anxiety woke up and moved into center position. Luckily it wasn't dark yet. So I wasn't totally flipping out but I was definitely stressed.

The party was a lot of fun. After a few drinks the edges of my anxiety seemed to smooth out and fade away. There were many people there that I've known for years. I was very glad that I'd faced my fear and gotten there. It was almost 11PM when the party starting slowing down. Everyone wanted to go to another bar to meet up with some other friends that we all knew. I wanted to go and said that I would meet everyone there, but already I was worried. All of my trigger points were present...I was alone, driving at night to a part of town that I was not familiar with. It was unfortunately very close to a part of town that is known to be dangerous. To my horror I got so lost trying to find the second bar that I had no idea where I was. I went into full blown anxiety attack mode-I was totally terrified. Meanwhile my friends were all at the bar wondering where I was. How could I answer when I didn't know where I was?

I ended up frantically calling my ex-husband, who was well aware of my history with anxiety. He very calmly explained to me where I was and how I could get home. I told the truth to my friends at the bar-I'd had a terrible anxiety attack and all I wanted to do was go home. My heart was still beating out of my chest when I did get home so sleep was impossible. I felt so badly that I'd let my friends down-let myself down by not going to the second bar to go on with the celebration. I beat myself up for the better part of a day, then I got myself in check. I've come so far on my journey of recovery from anxiety disorder. I'm not suicidal anymore-I can go weeks or even months without having any type of an episode. I don't think that I will ever be completely free of that issue and all of the shame that comes a long with it. It has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and probably always will be.

Forgive this long post-I just wanted to share this story with you to let you know that many suffer like you do and we're all in it together.
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#20
Hi there-as a reminder that you're in good company here on SF, I wanted to share a story with you about an event that happened to me last week. First a quick overview-anxiety disorder has been an issue for me since the age of 12 (I'm 58 today). For decades my problems with anxiety have been a source of deep shame...for many years I tried everything to hide the truth of my circumstance. Back in the 90's people who thought they knew me really well didn't know me at all. They didn't understand the demon(s) that I was wrestling with every single minute of my waking life. I hit rock bottom in 1993-my life was paralyzed by my anxiety disorder. I couldn't hold down a job, couldn't get out of bed for days-even the smallest relationship sent me into fits of anxiety. In 1998 I had a break-through and things started to turn around. My social anxieties lessened considerably.

Between then and now I'd narrowed down to just a few, the issues that triggered me and sent me into full meltdown mode. For most of that time I was married. My biggest trigger-driving on freeways and-or in dark, unfamiliar places was never an issue, because I was always with my husband, he was always driving. We got divorced last year....which brings me to what happened last week. A dear, old friend came into town-we worked closely together for many years a long time ago. But we've kept in touch through social media. He'd come to town to celebrate his 60th birthday. What could be simpler than going to a birthday party to see a dear, old friend? But-from the start, my night that night was not simple. I got lost trying to find the place where the party was. My anxiety woke up and moved into center position. Luckily it wasn't dark yet. So I wasn't totally flipping out but I was definitely stressed.

The party was a lot of fun. After a few drinks the edges of my anxiety seemed to smooth out and fade away. There were many people there that I've known for years. I was very glad that I'd faced my fear and gotten there. It was almost 11PM when the party starting slowing down. Everyone wanted to go to another bar to meet up with some other friends that we all knew. I wanted to go and said that I would meet everyone there, but already I was worried. All of my trigger points were present...I was alone, driving at night to a part of town that I was not familiar with. It was unfortunately very close to a part of town that is known to be dangerous. To my horror I got so lost trying to find the second bar that I had no idea where I was. I went into full blown anxiety attack mode-I was totally terrified. Meanwhile my friends were all at the bar wondering where I was. How could I answer when I didn't know where I was?

I ended up frantically calling my ex-husband, who was well aware of my history with anxiety. He very calmly explained to me where I was and how I could get home. I told the truth to my friends at the bar-I'd had a terrible anxiety attack and all I wanted to do was go home. My heart was still beating out of my chest when I did get home so sleep was impossible. I felt so badly that I'd let my friends down-let myself down by not going to the second bar to go on with the celebration. I beat myself up for the better part of a day, then I got myself in check. I've come so far on my journey of recovery from anxiety disorder. I'm not suicidal anymore-I can go weeks or even months without having any type of an episode. I don't think that I will ever be completely free of that issue and all of the shame that comes a long with it. It has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and probably always will be.

Forgive this long post-I just wanted to share this story with you to let you know that many suffer like you do and we're all in it together.
I don't suffer this nearly as deeply, but this really struck a chord for me. For years, I'd only go out if my husband took me. I was in a terrible car accident (I had to have staples in my head, my car was totaled and my passenger was injured pretty badly. It was someone else's fault, they ran a red light) and it made me terrified to drive. I can do basic trips, but if I have to take a freeway or go to an unknown place, it's very difficult. I was close to becoming agoraphobic over it. We moved, and I would spend multiple days in my house, terrified to go outside because the outside was so unfamilar.

To a lesser degree, I still have these issues, and so whenever I plan a girls night with my friend, we always pick a place I can get to on surface roads, and usually roads I know. I remember getting lost once (I missed the street I needed to turn on by just like 1 street and got confused), and I broke out in hysterics. She was really sweet about it. I felt so dumb, but she was so completely understanding of it and I appreciated it.

So, yes, we're all coming from places that might be unique, but also very similar. Thank you for sharing your story.
 

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