facing them

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SoraMcCann, Sep 21, 2014.

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  1. SoraMcCann

    SoraMcCann New Member

    I have been thinking a lot about death lately but it's not something new. I have been depressed for....most of my life, ever sense I was very young I have thought about not being here anymore. It started when I was 5 or 6 when I started going to school and realized that I wasn't like everyone else and they all knew it. I would be severely teased and beaten to the point that they had to separate me from other children for my own safety. I never understood why and still to this day don't understand but that's part of why I suppose. I don't look any different or sound any different, I don't try to draw attention to myself but they knew something that I didn't so for most of my life I learned to be alone, silent, and obedient. I learned to hate anyone who came too close, even my own parents and the older I got the worse it became. It wasn't long before I got used to eating alone, working alone, playing alone, and crying alone. I would never cry in front of others and I learned fast the adults where not to be trussed. whenever I became brave enough to say anything I was either told I'm lying, I'm too sensitive, or flat out ignored. My mother didn't want to hear about why I was afraid to go outside or cry at night. She was too busy trying to make enough money for use to eat so I never said a word and this led up to my first suicide attempt at 6.

    It wasn't the best thought out but I tried to bash my own head in and just ended up knocking myself out. My mom asked me why I did it and I told her I was playing. She believed me and that was the end of it but I knew the truth. So I kept quiet like always. I struggled threw the next few years and started to fight back with other children and was getting in trouble but it kept them away from me. I found to was far better to be feared so they learned to stay away and that cleared the air a bit. as long as I stay in the back and not make waves then other children would stay away for the most part up until middle school when everything got so much worse. In this hell whole of a time there was no escaping and this is where I had my second attempt. it was after a gang of 10 kids from another school who I didn't know decided to beat the shit out of me. On my way home from my ass kicking with blood down my shirt and broken glasses over my black and blue eyes that I decided to try again. so I got home and took a shower and put some of my mother makeup on to cover up the bruises, threw away my bloody shirt, and putting on my spare pair of glasses that I wrote a Suicide note. after I was done I left it on my desk in my room and then tried to jump out the window. I mush have sat on the ledge for 2 hours thinking things over before I heard my mother come home and I panicked. I got back inside ripped up the letter and sat at my desk like I have been doing my homework the whole time. I didn't want my mom to see me on the ledge. I didn't want her to know and I decided that maybe it would be best to just go to bed.

    I got threw to high school which I found was easier to get threw unnoticed I spent 4 years under the radar and I was for once not depressed. I even had friends and it was the first time I had felt happy and it got even better in collage. I was feeling pretty good about who things were going. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and I even met my husband. Everything was going great all the way up until my last exams. In order for me to go to collage I had to take out loans and on my last class I was denied my last loan to finish and....I have to leave without a degree because I was too poor to graduate. I had to go home a failure but my husband stuck with me and he finished school. It was here that I hopped from job to job trying to make ends meet while me and him lived in my others house until one day I got a really good job. It was my dream job and I tried my hardest and they loved me. They would tell me I'm doing a great until one day without warning the fired me. They didn't tell me why they just let me go. I was devastated. It took me right back to when I was a kid and how there was something wrong with me that I couldn't see. The news just kept getting better. I found out I can't have children and that my health is declining. I'm only 25 years old....I feel so bad For My husband who has to work harder then ever and we can't afford healthcare so I have to struggle threw without. I keep thinking what if it gets worse and I have to go to the hospital and we can't afford it? It makes think that I should spare my husband from this. I feel like I'm dragging him down with me and I can't bare the thought of hurting him or making him suffer. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and he deserves so much better.

    I feel like I'm failing him and my family. It makes me think maybe they would be better off without me around. feel like a drag on the world as a whole and maybe I should just cut the line.
  2. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi SoraMcCann, Thank you so much for having the courage to share your story here. It sounds like you've been through some very difficult times. You mentioned that your husband is the best thing which has happened to you. I'm sure you're also the best thing which has happened to him. I also think he would be more upset if you tried to cut the line rather than reinforced your place on it and believe me, you do have a place.

    Being beaten and tormented in school is awful and I'm sorry you went through that. It seems to me though you were so strong and brave to get through it and that's not an easy thing to do in itself particularly when it was recurring. I don't think you're a failure either. You're someone who means so much to her husband and you mean so much to him. You're someone who cares about your husband's happiness even in the midst of this terrible sadness you're experiencing. You're someone who has courage and valour even though people have behaved dastardly by making your life a misery when you were younger.

    Ok, so you've proven that you can get a good job. There is evidence also that you can have so much happiness. There is also someone who loves you very much in your life. These are very positive signs and I hope you follow the direction in which they're pointing which is forward. You're someone and you deserve to be happy.

    Take care and I hope that you have a great day and night. Husky.
  3. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing your story and I'm very sorry for everything that you had to go through.

    You are clearly a strong and brave person and you have people in your life that love you, don't ever try to convince yourself that they will be better off without you, you know that is a lie, no matter how dire the circumstances those who love you will never be better without you, never.

    You may be down now, but remember that you have once pulled through and found happiness and you can and will do it again. We are here for you.
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