Fade to Black

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by I wont stay long, Nov 29, 2013.

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  1. I wont stay long

    I wont stay long New Member

    TL;DR: I've always had a poor life,I found happiness but I lost it and I'm considering suicide now.

    Short resume :

    I'm a 16 y/o guy from Bulgaria who's suffering from social anxiety which has caused me many secondary disorders including:attention deficit disorder,ADHD,stuttering&more.I've never felt confident about my body and my looks but too afraid to pick up a sport and change that,or even talk to my parents about a new food diet/buying me gear to work-out.I'm very avoidant when it comes to people but also dependant on others to a degree along with the fact that I've got some issues with obsessive-compulsive disorder.I can't regulate my emotions and I'm often paranoid.Completely detached from social relationships and I sometimes stop feeling,anything at all.I come from a poor family and we're currently in a huge debt that we will never be able to repay,let alone have enough money to lead an avarage life in comparsion to other families.I feel uneasy just being around people,feel as if they're always judging me,looking down upon me.

    The early years :

    I've been treated badly by my alchoholic father since I was born which has lead me to often fear authority figures (say teachers in school) & my mother is a psycho.I've always felt kind of anxious in public.I can remember events from pre-school where I just felt as if I didn't belong.It progresively got worse as I went to school.In middle school I still couldn't talk to girls at all.I would avoid them especially my crush.I made a few friends in 5th grade thanks to some common interests,this took me away from my family which wasn't supportive to me (unlike it was to my brother).We would often just play games together but this didn't last very long.During 7th grade my parents forbid me from going outside after school so I can study for my exams.I've always been a drop-out at school and this didn't help.I lost my few friends that year,they started going out with girls and moved on with their lives - sports,social activities etc. - they forgot about me.After 7th grade I applied to a certain highschool my parents had picked which they thought would be suitable for me.The first year here was the worst of my life.Most of the guys bullied me physically and mentally by degrading me,stealing my things and so on.I became very introverted during that time period and I just didn't talk to anyone.I would play games and try to hide how I felt from anyone.This is I believe when I developed most of my disorders.

    How my illnesses developed :

    After 7th grade I applied to a certain highschool my parents had picked which they thought would be suitable for me.The first year here was the worst of my life.Most of the guys bullied me physically and mentally by degrading me,stealing my things and so on.I became very introverted during that time period and I just didn't talk to anyone.I would play games and try to hide how I felt from anyone also often felt fatigued and would do simple activities slowly.I got the courage to talk to my parents about it,I made up a lie about it and I got into a different class.This was in 9th grade.My new classmates were far more understanding and they seemed friendly at first sadly I couldn't cope with anything at that time,I wouldn't want to speak to anyone ,leave my classroom and completely locked myself out of everybody.Soon I became "invisible".Their attitude towards me is often neutral and seldom negative - being one of the few drop-outs in a class full of ace students I get noticed for that.Throughout 9th grade I would skip classes because I'd be scared whether its a test and having to bear others judgement for my behavior/results or just the thought of going to school.This just made me feel worse about myself and feel unwanted,useless,unwelcome as a part of their community and so on.All of them had their little groups of people they were close to and I didn't fit in any of them.

    The second time in my life I was happy :

    (2nd half of 9th grade) Spending a lot of time on the internet I met a chill guy that's around my age who had a gf.I was pretty close to him at the time and he thought of introducing me to his gf.His girlfriend was affable,something I wasn't used to,she was good natured,she was the first girl I could talk to and she was very kind to me.I could share all my secrets with her because she was reliable,sympathetic&warmhearted.She could always make me laugh and make me feel happy for myself.She was also very emotional and that's exactly the kind of person I wanted to speak to at that time.We started off just as friends discussing mostly our interests regarding games.Later we expanded that and we learned that we listen to the same kind of music and have the same views on many subjects such as war,habitat destruction,racism,ethical subject like moral and more.She was also very open to talking about sex and sharing it all to me.She was gorgeous.Surely the most beautiful teenage girl I had ever seen,by far.I cannot express how happy I was to be a part of her life and how she made me feel.

    Falling deep into depression :

    This wonderful girl had a sad story,she lived in Australia with her sister and mother where she was happy for a time (this happened in her childhood,way before I met her) but she had to move to her mother's ex-husband after her mothers' tragic death.She developed schizophrenia at that time,the poor girl had her own problems,a lot of them.This girl found happiness in her Bf,they were together every day and they were both madly in love as a matter of fact she would often tell me how he made her life worth livingWe talked daily and this I felt helped both of us until the September of 2013.She had to move back to Australia with her father (who in short,judging by his actions never cared about his girls).She had gone through hell herself and couldn't take another loss like this,she ended up in a mental hospital,while she was there she still talked to me,but one day she attempted suicide - unsuccessful however she lost her memory.She has forgotten all about me,her ex and her bad memories (which is probably for the better,for her).The last time she spoke to me was about a week ago and it felt corely different to how we used to speak.Her habbits,hobbies,almost everything about her has changed and was clearly hinting to me that she didn't feel like being friends with me anymore.

    Fade to Black :

    This is but a short story of what my life has been,the only happiness I had was taken from me and I have no will to move on.I see only darkness,sadness&sorrow in my future hence why I intend to end my life.I've always been a very weak person,I've got no chances of surviving in a world of extroverts and nor do I have the motivation to do so.

    Sorry for the long post
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2013
  2. silentlyfading

    silentlyfading Well-Known Member

    I don't mean this to be patronising or degrading to your feelings in any way. But your only 16 my teenage years were the hardest part of my life.
    We all suffer all the things you mentioned in your post. The changes you go through in such a short space of time is bound to have an effect. Your body changes, the way you feel changes, and your perception of life changes to, ad that to the pressure that the media puts on adolescents to look, act, feel and dress a certain way its understandable. Adhd + ocd can both be treated to a point where things are less extreme. Support groups will help with the social anxiety much like that girl did. Sorry to hear what happened to her expecially since she was someone you could relate to, this happens to us all I couldn't even begin to count how many people that I was close to in my teens that im not in contact with anymore. People change, situations change and most of all you can change you life.
    What im trying to say is dont give up yet you are only just starting out give it time, don't be afraid to show who you are, and don't be afraid to get help its nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.
    Plenty of people on here have been through what you have. The support and help are here for you. Keep posting, thanks for sharing.
     
  3. I wont stay long

    I wont stay long New Member

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