Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Citadel, Jun 16, 2007.

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  1. Citadel

    Citadel Guest

    This is my first post, really hoping its not the last but the way I am right now I cant honestly say if I can return but I am here now. Just feel this is the last chance I might have of saving myself, of the few people I do still have left in my life I just cant talk or let them know how Im really feeling inside. For the past 4 or so years ive always given ending it alot more thought than the average person but in the last 3 months every day gets darker and darker inside my head, ive even set aside a date for when I think its most likely Il go through with it. Ive always been alone in life the few friends I do make never seem to stay around to long but earlier this year I thought my luck had finally changed when a friend id known for a couple of years who id always secretly been attracted to actually began to take an intrest in me. She'd been through a really hard time in the prevous few months and for some reason came to me for comfort, she looked and felt like she was close to the edge(maybe thats why she came to me) and said just me being there saved her.
    After a month or so of seeing here and getting her through her bad patch she said she still had feelings about me but gradually cut me out of her life, I was used to people just dissapearing from my life before as there been so many but this was the first time ive really felt loved by another human.

    Its been months now since and ive failed at so many things but this one thing still cuts into me like a razor, people have noticed major changes in me but I tell them im fine or make excuses to cover the truth. Ive had a checklist through life and failed at every single thing, now ive failed at the last thing on it I really dont want to give people the chance to hurt me anymore. You can prob guess my solution, if you feel im a genuine case of despair or just emo prat whinging please let me know.

    All I can say is I really dont want to be here anymore. x x x
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi there Citadel :hug:

    Welcome to SF :)
  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hi Cotadel,first of all I wan't you to know and understand you're a genuine case of despair and you deserve all the help you need.Listen if you're not feeling the best it's understandable something is wrong,I wish you didn't consider yourself as something of a failure because you aren't.

    Please if you don't feel well you don't have to lie and I mean that it a nice way,we all understand here and will do what we can to help.try not to allow people to hurt you,I know you never know people's intention's alway's but if you feel someone may be trying to make you feel bad or something then clear away and try not to allow them to do that you don't deserve that.
  4. Citadel

    Citadel Guest

    Thanx for actually replying to my thoughts its a lot more than I feel I deserve and in time I hope I can come out a bit more with detail, it just takes me awhile to let my barriers down even through a computer. Hope you can be patent with me, as I said before I do really feel this place is my last chance.

    Know that im gratefull to all of you whatever happens. x x
  5. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Stay strong for yourself.

    I think of suicide many times. The only thing that prevents me from doing it is winding up a cripple. The odds aren't good for ending my own life, because it's a difficult thing to do. I would wind up in hospital and feel worse, especially since suicide is such a private thing and everyone would know about it.

    Make a list of all the options available. When you're on the brink, take a small step back and think, what else can I do? Take a risk of the non-lethal variety.
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Well you deserve everything and anything possible,if you need to talk anytime I'm here for you I'll do my utmost best to listen and be supportive.
  7. Citadel

    Citadel Guest

    I dont really want to go off on a big rant about how the world and everyone can go and screw themselves for all I care cause as much as I feel that way about it, ive been so drained and used by some people Im just defeated and cant fight anymore. Ive got it into my head that if I seemed to manage to save one person from doing harm to themselves whos life really was worth saving (unlike one I can think of) then my job heres been done and I can go now without being judged to harshly.

    I seem to be able to fool most of the people I have left into thinking that im really ok and just going through a bad patch but inside I am screaming out, but im held back by a lack of confidence which ive always had and not wanting them to worry about what sort of person im becoming. I think I must want help though otherwise I wouldnt be here but everytime I even come close to asking someone tears start to well up behind my eyes and I just run from them like I always do. Maybe this is why no one stays with me very long I dont blame them for keeping distance form me, just wish I could do the same. x
  8. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Citadel,first of all let me begin to tell you that you've come to the right place I and many of us here will do all we can to support and be here for you.Don't hold the pain anymore inside please,I know you're hurting and I want you to let it all out please do this and tell me about everything.

    Because the simple fact is that you need help and we're here for you,I'll guarantee you that there will be no distance made no matter what you say ok?So please understand that I want you to say whatever you feel and tell me everything about what's wrong,I do understand just like all of us here do.
  9. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    Hey, Citadel. Welcome to the best (read: "best AND free") support group where (hopefully!) nobody holds anything in.

    This is the place where we can be safe and amongst people who have a better understanding of what we're feeling and going through than the other people in our lives.

    I do hope that you choose to open up on here. Even though it may seem silly to do so on an internet forum, the people here are amazing and accepting and will try to do what they can to help you out.

    So take it easy. I hope you can find what you're looking for here.

    Though fear lasts through the night, the joy comes with the morning.

    Take care.
  10. Citadel

    Citadel Guest

    Thank you to all of you for your support and kind words, it may seem like nothing to you but I really am gratefull for all of your thoughts and wishes. I dont feel in a great place right now but little things people have said here do give me glimmers of hope, thank you. x
  11. memory318

    memory318 Member

    may i ask your age? I ask because i'm going out on a limb that i'm a bit older and might have been though this situation or known of someone who was in the same position. I would like to provide whatever input necessary based on the state of mind you're in.
  12. Citadel

    Citadel Guest

    Im 24, employed right now in a basic job been single for the majority of my life so far, not really very attractive (in my eyes anyway) have a small amount of friends left who have stuck around for me and not really very confident at all. Hope this helps please dont hestitate to ask if you want more info i dont mind. x
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