Failed again. I should have seen this coming.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by houseofcards, Jun 22, 2011.

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  1. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    Last night I felt like I was at my absolute low. I thought Bryan breaking up with me on March 25th was the worst day of my life, but I take that back.

    Yesterday It finally hit me that I'm the "Psycho ex-girlfriend" that every guy dreads. I'm bitter beyond belief, yet I'm only 18. I know I have the whole world ahead of me; finishing up high-school, going to college, getting a job, I still haven't fully experienced life.

    Enough blabbing - I gave somewhat of my backstory.

    What I'm trying to get at is that last night I attempted. I swear it should have worked, I tried it twice before and didn't NEARLY use as much as I did this time. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like my chest was on fire, but then I went back to sleep knowing it didn't work.

    I don't know why I feel so bad, I really don't. I constantly listen to and help people using only empathy and experience I've had in my short life. I have so much knowledge about things, but why is it that I can't use my knowledge and apply it to myself? How the heck can I feel so suicidal but encourage others to live?

    I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I've had therapy since I was a freshman in high-school and now I'm a 2nd year senior. I don't find it beneficial at all, as a waste of my parents money. I was impatient for a week and that ended up costing us $2,000, my partial impatient program was for 2 weeks and was around $1,100. Insurance pays for so much but it still leaves my parents with a mountain of debt and it's all my fault.

    I'm a burden on my family, on my friends, on everyone here, and I'm so sorry.
    I can't keep on my happy mask anymore. If people ask me if I'm okay, I'll be honest about it now. I really really need support but am too afraid to ask.
  2. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Friend and Antiquities Friend Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Rianne :hug: I am sorry you feel so bad sweetie.

    So many burdens. You know where I am if you would like to talk.

    Love you hunni and I am glad you are still here.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You have to ask for deserve to feel well...and you are NOT a burden to anyone at all...big hugs, J
  4. Why Am I Here

    Why Am I Here Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're still alive. :)

    You need to ask for the help or it won't come to you. You're not a burden, I'm sure you're parents love you and hold you dear. Losing you would ruin their lives. Stay strong and say positive.
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i also failed - was saved by my wife and her family.
    at the time i was emotionless and didnt care. but now i realise the hell i put them through and will continue to do so as they will always have that doubt in the back of their minds.
    i accept my failure as it was an honest attempt. i no longer have any effective methods and i wouldnt want to go through the hell of pain at the hospital again. they said they couldnt give me pain killers as i was too far gone. so ive given up on the suicide thing although i still feel the same.
    i cant hurt the people who love me and the people who have given me so much time into getting me better over many years.
    your parents will agree your health is your true wealth. i have 2 daughters and no matter what i would never want them to suffer in any way!!! ( even if my attempt seems counter active ) i was in a bad emotionless place and had been for a while.
    please get plenty of rest as you do actually have a sickness which takes a long time to recovery. rest is very important for you right now. take care and stay well!!!
  6. villa

    villa New Member

    You have good in you, and sometimes the devil sends his demons to lie to us. You hear all these things in your head that you are a burden, that you are not worth it. These are all lies that the devil puts in your head because you have so much good you can offer others. You can't change others decisions. But you can work on changing what doesn't work for you. That could be attitude, sarcasm, anything that is not of good energy and will only result in unpleasant consequences. Ask god to change you, to give you more patience and be more forgiving towards yourself. Then start practicing it outwards to the people around you. I just recently tried to commit suicide myself. I plannedit and god was with me. I didn't want to hurt anyone or anything of value and things could of turned out really bad. I realized that I could of made things worse. I was shocked into reality, what I planned could of turned out badly. But god was there and I was lucky I was able to stop it. These feelings go away, write out your feelings. Don't get more depressed replaying the same lies the devil wantsyou to believe. The devil will take even life to get what he wants. All I can tell you is if you think you might commit hurting yourself, you could end up worse and really end up a burden without being able to move or really pull the plug and end up more depressed. Live your life and surround yourself with good people, forgive the bad ones and just move on. Never pay evil with evil and ask god to mold you, into a better person than you already are. I have always wanted to counsel others that have been thru what I have. Who better than those who haven't. Good luck and rein in your self restraint on behaviors which you already see are counter productive. Discipline yourself , you can only get stronger ding these things.

  7. jkeller4000

    jkeller4000 Well-Known Member

    At least you have parents who will go in debt for you! (sorry i always love this card, i probably play it too much but it is how i deal with the loss of my parents)

    Hm, you know, i always thought i would always kill myself before i turned 16 then i thought once i could dirve i would "accidentally" get into an accident, then i turned 18, then i decided when i turned 21 i would drink my pains away, i never drinking a lot ever again I get way too sick,

    my sister said the same thing about therapy, i have not tried it yet,

    how are your bicycling skills? lol i am down to a 10 min mile on my bicycle, i try each time to do better than my average, though half the days i fail, but the days i succeed i am happy, maybe just try to beat my time, i think excersize will help with a few things, like your parents, it will convince them your happy and people are happy when ur happy, so just make them believe your happy :) lol ok don't take my advice honsety is the best policy, other wise you will feel your living a lie, and be confused about everything,
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