failed again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by unionfalls, Mar 15, 2014.

  1. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    I just can not stand me. After 7 months of not working, I finally get a job, just as a temp, but work. I couldn't even do it. Not the job, I couldn't even bring myself to go into the shop to do the job. How can I be afraid to work, to even make the attempt, sitting outside in the lot in complete terror of even going in to work . I am just so tried of myself, I am truly amazed at how pathetic I am. I should know better by now. Why this surprises me or thinking that i may begin to live "normally" idk. I have personal support, depression meds, weekly therapy, suicidal thoughts have been mainly dissipating, when will I get my shit together. What more do I need, this has got to be me, just pathetic worthless me. I am so very angry with myself, I just can not stand me. This is all my fault.
  2. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hey, I wanted to reply both to tell you I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, and also that I know EXACTLY what you're talking about. It's become habit for me to interview for jobs, get them, accept them, and then not show up and lose them because I can't go. I get up, get dressed, can even get to the parking lot - and all of a sudden, something in my brain says, "nope" and off I go. It's a really vicious cycle and I totally understand how frustrating it is to want to hold a job, but not being able to.

    All you can do is just.keep.trying. For me, I started to realize that I had no hope at all if I didn't care about the I try now to only apply for things that I can see myself going in and doing. Administrative/office work is my main one. I'm still struggling with this and just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Keep appling, keep trying, and eventually something WILL stick. Let's buddy up and inspire each other! :)
  3. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    union falls, it can be very hard to go back to work after 7 months off. I know. I had to do it. And to a temp job. The job may go permanent, but it is still very hard. Was this temp job a kind of work you like? If not, that could make it worse. You have to get to know different people, different processes, you don't know how long you will be there. It is bound to be uncomfortable. I can't say I experienced terror with mine, but certainly a lot of discomfort.

    You are not pathetic. You are just struggling right now. Talk to your therapist about it. Let her/him know how you felt sitting in that lot. Let the therapist help you work through it. And look for another job. You will find one. You certainly are not worthless. Someone wanted you to work for them. What a wonderful, positive sign. Someone else will want you for another opportunity. Give yourself a chance. And cut yourself some slack for not going in the door this time. Your subconscious might have been telling you that it just wasn't the right place.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    been there done what you have done got a perfect job and was only able to go 3 times and then my fears my self doubt i just could not go It is an illness something that with therapy i hope we can overcome it Don't hate you ok it is notyour fault that you are ill hugs
  5. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Wow, Thank You, justsomegirl, She Bear, and total eclipse. I am overwhelmed with your kindness and support. I just have to be working, the job sucked and did not matter, it is the act of actually working again which I need to do. Working is tied into my self image. If i can not work, that just keeps the vicious cycle of self hate rolling,can't work so I feel I am a failure and I am a failure because I can't work. And around and around it goes. Thank you so much for hearing me and offering me your support and kindness. Thank You

    p.s. She Bear, I have worked lawn care, maybe I could come out there after jimk wins the lotto and take care of your yards :)

    Thank you all, I really appreciate the encouragement and kindness.
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Unionfalls, well done on the temp job. Hopefully you have broken the vicious cycle of depression now. Hopefully one step forward on to better things. Just be positive now and take each day as it comes. Keep posting and think you are alone. There are some great people here who support everyone through their plight. Take care Unionfalls.
  7. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Anytime at all, we're here to boost you up! The cycle has to break eventually, just punch hard at the soft spots. :) You can do it!
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    union falls, i understand how self-worth can be associated with work. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. When you are out of work for long, you think less of yourself, and so do others. But you will find something. And if you land in a job you hate, just endure until you find something better.

    Would love to have you take are of my lawn. But the commute would be the pits.
  9. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Thank you incrisis99, and thank you again justsomegirl and She Bear. Feeling more level today, making plans for tomorrow about looking, getting work.
    Trying to figure out why I had this episode, how to avoid it in the future or at least be able to overcome it if it happens again.
    I really appreciate your time, compassion, suggestions, and support. It means a great deal to me, Thank you all.
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    unionfalls, this is not your fault. You are not at all pathetic. Not even a little bit. You just have not found the right remedy ( combo of treatment) for the panic terror etc. Maybe this attempt is just what was needed to work on it in therapy. To do more specific work.

    I am sure you would understand fully if another person wrote about this with temselves. You would know this is not their fault. So I will have that respect for you. To know for sure this is not your fault. And surely you are the opposite of pathetic.

    I do believe you can begin to live "normally". I just think it may not be the right timing yet. Whatever the underlying circumstance that caused you to stop working is not yet brought enough under control or healed enough. Perhaps next week, next month or in 8 months. My point is, you have every reason to hope. Because you are determined and dedicated. And a wonderful human being.

    I hope you will be kind to yourself as you are with others. Because this circumstance is not of your choosing. Nor is it of your making. You are doing what you can to work on it. And for that I have great respect. :hug2: :arms: :hug:
  11. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    hey unionfalls - i can totally relate to your post- in fact i had a 'holy shit' moment reading it. but it sounds like you are on the right track, and getting help- which is huge! i wish i could help more than to say dont give up and keep trying- in the same situation i looked for volunteer work doing something i enjoyed and it helped- i wish you well
  12. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Thank you lonel!! Your understanding and compassion mean a lot to me. Thank you!!
  13. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    i wish i could help more than to say i totally understand- and all i can say is keep trying :)