failed attempt, I'm an idiot..probably try again

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by randycrabtree, Mar 1, 2009.

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  1. randycrabtree

    randycrabtree New Member

    Hi all, Just signed up today. what a feeling, i havent talked to anyone about this..I tried to off myself by OD'ing on antihistimines, sedatives a few weeks ago. i was drunk at the time, honestly thought it would work. had a note written out, important belongings boxed up (previously), instructions for family. this is going to be a rambling, disjointed post so bear with me, it's how I write...
    I ended up taking everything i had- about 45 pills, as quickly as i could, fell asleep after about an hour..woke up 10 hours later with dry mouth, a few brief instances of rapid heart beat, some ringing in my ears..but other than that, felt fine. wtf?! no vomiting, no pains of any type, no passing out. i guess i didnt do my research! dumbass. after the fact, all i can say is "what the hell were you thinking?" a small amount of pills like that would only land you in the hospital if anything..and in my case, very little happened..
    I guess in my state of mind i thought it would do the trick, somehow convinced myself it would..
    As u can imagine, i was fuckin pissed waking up to say the least! fucking pathetic, hopeless..i havent bothered going to the hospital to get checked of course, i dont really care if i damaged my liver or anything else. i've basically bottled up the event, emotions and all... and have gone about my routine same as ever for the past few weeks, its the only way i can maintain until i'm able to make a clear decision about what to do next.
    the only reason why i havent tried again is b/c i don't think pills i have access to will work and i dont want to end up in the hospital and have my brother end up paying for my care(I'm totally broke)'s selfish, (yes i realize that suicide is also pretty selfish) but i cant burden him with maybe try another method (which im looking into but scared to try). If i had a gun it would be easy, but there's no way i can get one. ..........
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey glad you found this site. It's a terrific place to talk about all that is in your mind. A place where others really know what you're talking about and dealing with ... firsthand. A place where you can let things out without fearing being judged or worse, sectioned. And the members really try to support and help anyway they can.

    If you havent you should take some time to "browse" around the place. Read some of the other threads and posts to see what other members are trying to deal with the same things you are and get in touch. Or better yet, find a forum that applies and start a new thread. Dont be embarrassed to share. Like I said people here understand.

    It is so much better to try and talk about what you are dealing with rather than keeping it all bottled up. The longer you try to keep the pain to yourself the longer it has to fester into something terribly dark. Keep posting and I truly hope that you can find some support here. If you need an ear drop me a pm anytime.
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hey Randy,

    I'm really glad you failed! Life can be horrible sometimes. For some people it can be horrible for a long, long, long time - I assume I'm nearing the end of the line...damn I wish I knew how to spell cue (is that it?). I tried Friday and I was lucky enough to get the vomit - big piles of pink vomit all over my floor :( .

    Still, as tough as life can be, it's better than dying. I'm so glad you joined this forum. You'll find tons of people that can empathize and help you with your struggles. You'll find a sub-forum for anything and at least ten members who are familiar with whatever you're experienceing.

    And besides the rather dour topic of conversation, most people here are pretty cool. They're funny, friendly, generous, and above all else, empathetic. Suicide isn't the answer Andy, I don't know what it is, but we can find out together.

  4. randycrabtree

    randycrabtree New Member

    Thanks you guys, i really appreciate it. I'm not expecting ppl to read all i write- esp. b/c my story is probably similar to others..and gets to be tedious to read through...but i've been stocking up on more meds- particularly a mild tranquilizer type that is available over the counter here where i've been living for a few years( a country in Asia) this med would require a prescription from where i come from (USA) anyway, i've been going from pharmacy to pharmacy, buying one box at each (pharms are absolutely everywhere in the city i live in). and i've been buying more booze...
    BUT!! I'm having second thoughts about ODing again..for the wrong reasons though............ if i do try, i will have to take MASSIVE amounts of the stuff combined with several others...and if it doesnt kill me, im going to be fucked 7 ways from sunday, slowly dying or having to call the police myself if i experience pain that's intolorable(i live alone so nobody would be coming to "rescue me"). also, its more than likely i will vomit a lot of it up and it will be a complete waste of time and what little $ i have...and i will still be fucked up and need to recover..have to think up some excuse to tell ( ), who lives 5km from here, but is out of town half the time...but they'd be calling me if i was MIA for more than 4 days or so and may even come to my place if they were unable to contact me in that amount of time.
    So, a little bit about why i did it in the first place- well to sum it up i lost my job, all my life savings, really stuck right now, no $ and have lost all drive..losing the $ was more like the "last straw" and not the overall cause....
    i know many ppl have it much worse! I'm definitely not sitting here thinking "poor me", i think that's pathetic. i'm just extremely pissed off and tired..wanna throw in the towel, tired of struggling through life having it all taken away, what's the point? I'm young now but will i end up 60+ years old, bitter and burnt out and still having to work just to survive?
    it seems quite clear and simple to me- i'm just sick of living in this world, why should i continue, modern life is fucked, i dont like it, i find it unacceptable, i'm not being a cry baby about it, i'm just saying "fuck this world" and choosing not to take part. god i need a drink...if i told a shrink this they would load me up with so many meds, have me walking around as a zombie- is that any way to live?
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Maybe not as many meds as you think. I am only on 2 and they dont zone me out. They just help focus my brain.

    Talk to a Doc....ya never know.
  6. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    Please reconsider. ODs are gross, painful, rarely work, and they fuck up your organs. I'm trying not to be facetious, but really drinking gin is funner. Life may screw you over until you're 60+ and burnt out, but it may not. Please talk with your friend or go to a hospital.
  7. GammaRae

    GammaRae Active Member

    I agree. Overdoses don't work, they just make things worse. About a year ago I overdosed. I really, really thought it would work too. I never even considered that it might not. I had a note written up too. I took over 150 pills. Most were for anxiety, some were other psych meds and some were muscle relaxers. I'm not sure if saying exactly what I took is allowed here. I passed out within 30 minutes and woke up in the hospital the next day. I still had bits of puke in my hair and was left to wonder which nurse had removed my clothes and put me in the paper gown. I had splitting headaches for a few days. Overdoses hardly ever work. I really hope you don't try again. It's such a painful and degrading expirience. I hope you can find someone to talk to. I'm here too... pm if you need to vent. Good luck. I hope you're okay.
  8. tombo

    tombo Member

    not that any suicide is better than another ...its the same end however as mentioned its difficult to process a lot of pills before you regurgitate them ..(srry i'm getting to the point) chances are you will make yourself extremely sick and in pain ..i have od before and its some of the worse sickness ive felt believe me getting your stomach pumped isnt worth it ...if anything of that makes sense the pt is ...why have yourself feeling depressed and having od symptoms or brain damage.. im trying to become more religous ..thats a personal choice im not going to preach but that is the one thing i need in life and i feel right about what im doing ...find where you belong
  9. Scars and Memories

    Scars and Memories Account Closed

    Overdose on meds is not the solution... Try something else:wink:
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Randy,
    OD'ing is not good.. I ended up in the hospital for four days my first time because my hands, feet, and ankles were swollen up three times the size of normal.. They were worried I wasn't getting enough blood flow to them.. They were also worried about my heart because I have already had one heart attack..I could have lost my hands and feet now talking about being screwed can you imagine having to live that way...
  11. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member


    OD'ing incorrectly was probably one of the best mistakes you ever made. I am so glad that you failed, and we're all so happy that you can be here with us today to tell the tale, and that you have found lots of caring people to lean on.
    Please, please don't kill yourself, you don't have to try at it again. It's not too late to get help, and you have other options. See what happens when you let go of the tunnel vision. Just because you are set on killing yourself, doesn't mean you have to.
    You deserve a second chance at life. Get help, reach out to people, tell your brother that you are not okay and that you need support. Depending on him for financial support when you are truly in crisis and in dire need of care is not selfish. I can almost guarantee that he would so much rather be given the chance to help you than to lose you.
    Don't worry about being selfish, or wanting to do something (killing yourself) that you think is selfish, because it's not. These things happen to good people in times of despair. You can't help it that you are feeling so awful, and none of it is your fault.
    I beg of you to choose life, and I know you have what it takes to be strong. We all want you to live, and you do not deserve to be deprived of any possible chance at happiness.
    If you ever need anything, please E-mail me at Everyone's here for you and pulling for you.
    Stay strong and stay safe!
    *Unconditional HUGS!*
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