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Failed Attempt

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Zoara, Feb 17, 2011.

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  1. Zoara

    Zoara New Member

    I'm new to the forum. I decided to join because last week I attempted suicide and failed, and now have things to deal with and work through that I cannot really discuss with anyone in real life. I'm going to heavy with background story because that's how I explain things, and I'm going to try to edit this as little as possible so it comes out real, and so that I can get advice and opinions based on what I'm actually feeling, so I apologize if it gets a little long.

    I've been depressed / suicidal for a couple of years now. The depression doesn't change but the suicidal feelings come and go. This year however, it's been extremely bad. I've planned on suicide before but except for one time before, I've never really tried. (Once I tried to xxxx. My mother thought I got a stomach bug.)

    I've been researching methods to commit suicide and finding xxxxto be my answer. During the summer I tried taking something, but all it did was make me very sick. Again, nobody seemed to suspect anything. But I was greatly disappointed, and so did more research. I finally found a substance that would work and was easily (if not expensive) to obtain. I purchased the product, but kept it hidden. About a month later, I finally decided to go through with it. My initial plan was on a weekend because someone picks me up for work every morning and I didn't want them to be waiting. However, I decided to go through with it. I took some of the substance and put the rest away, laid down in bed. It was a bit early, but I'm a bit of a recluse and knew my roommate wouldn't notice anything weird.

    My last memory that night is lying down in bed, but I guess there was a point during the evening where I got up and went to take a shower. My roommate came home around 10ish and heard the shower running. But when forty five minutes had passed and the shower was still running, she got nervous and knocked on the door. When I didn't answer, she opened the door and found me, appearing to have suffered a seizure. She called my sister who said she should call 911. The EMT's came, took care of me and then checked out the house to find signs on drug use, of which they found none.

    The point is, my first real, conscious memory of the hospital, I was sure I was in a psychiatric hospital, not a medical one. It wasn't for several hours that I realized nobody knew. That was the biggest surprise to me: nobody knew. I had almost successfully committed suicide and no one knew. In fact, my siblings, parents and roommates argued passionately for my mental state; I was not depressed, definitely not suicidal and would never take drugs.

    My first question is how could no one I know be aware of these issues with me. I'm 25 years old, have very few friends (by choice. I don't meet people and don't keep in touch with them when I do), and spent most days alone in my bedroom. I spend days without any real conversation, and yet every one thinks I'm fine? No one had ever said anything, but I assumed they all knew. Depression runs in my family line, and I couldn't be that good as an actor, right?

    So now I'm stuck with a lot of guilt. My sister was put out a lot by my being in the hospital. She also did a lot of very sweet things for me, including borrowing a lot of money to get me certain gifts she knew I would like (and I do). But I don't know how to deal with her, or really anyone. I hate telling people I had a seizure (the hospital's diagnosis), but I cannot tell anyone I know the truth. I could lose my job and then there really would be no point.

    I guess, I just want advice in how to process these emotions and how to move on from here. Thanks for reading, even if you have nothing to say.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Firstly, welcome and I am so glad you are here to tell this story...Secondly, you have to do what is best for you at this time...people responded because they love you and you did not get them to do that under false pretenses...my concern is whether you are receiving follow-up care? There are many after effects to an attempt, and I think you have to work towards finding a way to forgive yourself, and trying to work on the underlying issues that got you to that place...I also think the journey is different for each person...I know I felt very ashamed and isolated...I could have died, and like you said, no one would have known...in truth, life is a very alone journey, but there is the love of others to temper it...tell who you can what you feel comfortable telling them...and also know, there are many ppl here who understand what you are going through...please PM me if I can help in any way...welcome again, J
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome,

    I know what you mean about no one noticing. Sometimes people are caught up in their own life and own problems that they don't notice. Not that I am saying others are being self obsessed. But it may just be that they haven't noticed.

    Why would job your be in jeaprody for having a mental health problem, surly that's discrimination and they should support you to do what ever you do to get better.

    I attempted the other week and didn't tell anyone in the hospital that I did. They put it down to an accident. If you look at hospital pt 1 on my blog I have explained more about it there.

    I am not sure how things work in the US. But here I would say go to your general doctor and explain how you are feeling. Talking about it is the first hurdle. You wont get anywhere if you don't talk about how you feel as how can anyone help you if they don't know you have a problem to help.

    What led to the attempt? What is going on in your life at the moment?

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