Failed for the 28th time.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Brandon Kwon, Mar 17, 2016.

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  1. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    Yep, I failed yet again. 28th time unlucky...I'm just so damn afraid that anything I do to try and end my life will hurt or that I'll fuck it up and just be in more pain and not dead like I want and I get scared off at the last minute.

    Fuck, why can't I just die?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    ((hugs)) to you. Just FYI, I fucked up my stomach from overdoses that were taken in 2011, one in 2012, I had constant non stop tummy pain for months on end, it was unbearable. Turned out to be a bowel issue which the doctors say is most likely damage from the overdoses and coma I was in.

    I'm sorry that you are feeling this low and that this was your 28th attempt, I for one am very glad you are still here with us. Try and see the light, do things you enjoy to take your mind off things, I think you're awesome, please don't attempt again and if you feel like doing so please tell us, we are here for you and care all the time.
  3. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    *hugs* And that kind of stuff is what scares me off of actually going through with it.

    I dunno why you are glad I'm still here but I'm glad you're glad I am. I'll try to take my mind off of things for a bit. I can't guarantee that I won't attempt again, but I'll try not to. I just feel so helpless and un-help-worthy...If that's a phrase...
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am glad because you are a nice person you are just suffering with this terrible,awful illness but you can get better. Of course you are worthy of help. I take it that you suffer from ow self esteem and low confidence too? You matter and the fact remains, you are still here fighting this, why quit now when you have gotten this far?
  5. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    I don't feel like I can get better...

    Yeah I have low self-esteem and low confidence. And yet guys worse off than me have women to be with. I'm just here rotting away mentally and emotionally. Sitting on the very edge of my own sanity.

    I really haven't gotten very far, honestly. I'm still as bad off as I was 7 years ago. Single, crying myself to sleep every night, trying to kill myself, I've made zero progress.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    How old are you now? Yeah the dating world is tough, I have given up on it until I lose weight, it's not great that I have no education either. How is your education? What could you do to imrpove something by even just a little today? Girls love confidence so I think you should seek help in that regard.
  7. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    I'm 22, I dropped out of high school and got a GED now I'm going to college in the summer if I don't kill myself or lose my mind before then. I don't think I can improve anything even a little bit.

    Girls love confidence, I have none, can't even fake it anymore. No one is going to instill any confidence in myself and I have no desire or even the willpower to try and help myself anymore.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    `Wow we have a lot in common actually, I also dropped out of high school, aged 15, I had raging BPD then and knew something was wrong but didnt know what. Now I know. You might meet someone in college during the summer, keep your options open. I know it's hard to have hope when you feel so down and withdrawn but the best thing you can do for yourself is get into therapy, put as much power into getting better than believing things are worse. You're 22 not 62, you have great opportunities ahead of you if you are still with us then (hope to god) :)
  9. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    I have BPD too, runs in my family. I dunno if I'll make it to the summer. I'm pretty sure I'll be in an asylum before then, I'm barely clinging to my sanity as it is.

    Ugh, I don't want to go back into therapy for the 40th time just to have another shrink tell me they can't help me because I'm unwilling to help myself. :(
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Why do they say you are unwilling to help yourself? What gives them that idea in the first place?
    Have you tried DBT therapy? It is specifically for BPD. Google it if you don't know what it is, im currently doing it, its tough but i'll get there.
  11. Brandon Kwon

    Brandon Kwon Banned Member

    Probably because I'm unwilling to do stupid exercises that don't even help me in the first place. >_>

    Never heard of DBT therapy. Off to google I go.
    Petal likes this.
  12. Why the negativity morbituarty? Each person is in titled to what they choose to believe in. It's not stupid, it's actually part of what makes us human my friend.

    I hope for your own sake you can try to be a little more positive in the future.

    Hi Brandon, I hope your doing well and hanging in there. I care about you and just had to stand up for you in this post.

    Let's try and stay positive everybody.

    Take care, thanks.
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