Failed miserably

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by dotpgrl, Apr 16, 2010.

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  1. dotpgrl

    dotpgrl New Member

    I have tried and failed twice at ending my life. Both were overdoses...I really thought the last one would work but I can't succeed at anything. The first time was with <Mod Edit:IrishDoll,Methods> I spend three days in the hospital puking my guts out. The last time was three weeks ago right after my surgery. <Mod Edit:Irishdoll,Methods> My mom found me and called 911, I blacked out in the ambulance and woke up in the ICU, I remember the nurse was in there and said I was lucky to be alive and no permanent damage to any organs, yeah I didn't feel very lucky. I was pissed off. Plus I was stil healing from surgery and now I had no pain pills left hah. Spent a week in the psych ward which was nice, I actually wish I could've stayed there lol. The anti-depressants they gave me made me feel really uncomfortable so I stopped, plus I hate the thought of being on them, I was on anti-depressants most of my life and it never did any good (obviously, lol) So now I'm even more depressed, mad that I failed twice and $60,000 in medical debt. On top of no job, no money, no friends, no family and I'm about to be homeless in less than 6 weeks. I'm so tired of hearing things will get better, I've heard that all my life and I don't believe it anymore. The only thing that scares me from leaving is not knowing where I'll end up. I'm a Christian and I'm scared God will send me to hell for killing myself, I'd rather spend a lifetime in pain here than check out early and spend eternity in pain. I just can't handle the days anymore, I can't sleep, I can't eat, i'm down to 91 pounds. Even if I could eat, I have no money for food. I'm at the point where I am willing to risk my eternity and let God decide for me and take what I get. I have 6 weeks left in my home so I will wait until the last minute and I will check out, not OD this time, but another method... I will make sure I make signs so no one else gets hurt.

    ...well the countdown begins...I'm glad I'm able to vent on here, I have no one to go to...
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2010
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you failed even if you're not....I'd have to say sounds like God wants you to live...
    stay with us and keep venting ..there are a lot of people who feel as you do and may be able to help...this is also a good place to make friends..
    You said you have no family but your Mum is there??
    there are a lot of meds out ones all the time..please go see the doc and get some ...
    is there any charities that you can get some food from....they may also be able to help with housing....could you go live with your Mum temporarily?
    take care..
  3. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    its so sad that we want to do these extreme things to get out of life. like u i did the same. I also spent time on an acute psyc ward, 1st time there and i really wish i could go and get rest bite there. i was just totally out of the cycle of life. i could just concentrate on me.
    It sounds as though youve been through alot and Im sure God has spared you for a reason. I wasnt religious but the 2 years since i od i have become 'awake' to my spiritual feelings.

    Please take care donnaxx

    p.s Im so glad i dont live in the U.S.A and have to pay medical bills, its so expensive for someone to help you. do take care, God Bless xx
  4. F_Immunized_7

    F_Immunized_7 Active Member

    after my ordeal i got myself up spiritually, but after a while it dwindled ... i am so gonna go to hell
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