Failed my second attempt last night

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Noah, Apr 19, 2010.

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  1. Noah

    Noah Member

    To anyone thinking of using their XXX.. don't.

    I tried this last night. < Mod edit: Hazel Methods >. Was surprised by how quickly, (just a few of breaths) the dizziness set in. Then I started feeling breathless, couldn't breath fast or deep enough. My body figured out it was being poisoned and put me into a panic, that was a miserable feeling.

    < Mod edit: Hazel Methods >, this time I was able to stay in it until I went unconscious. But I left the car door open with the key in the ignition and the chiming attracted the attention of people who were coming home.

    When they found me, < Mod edit: Hazel Methods >. I must have knocked it off at some point. I apparently didn't respond the first couple of times they tried to wake me.

    They woke me enough to get me in the house, I don't remember the trip. I was blabbering stuff I probably shouldn't have said. I remember coming to on the couch, really groggy, dizzy, nautious and the WORST migrane headache I have ever had in my life.

    It got worse, talking to family members, trying to keep the kids away, obviously very distrought, for a while, I thought I had succeeded. I spent the next several hours trying to puke, but there was nothing there, I hadn't eaten in two days.

    Eventually, some fluids and dark red stuff (looked like blood, and lots of it) started coming up. The contractions were so bad, I pulled some muscles in my back and slipped a disc in my neck. They were so long, that I couldn't catch my breath.

    This went on for about 5 hours, I was dripping sweat when it was over and totally exhausted. I think I went into shock after that and fell asleep. I remember being cold and someone covering me up.

    I seem to be fine today and never want to go through that again. This was supposed to be a peaceful way out, but it turned into the worst experience of my life. I am at work right now and have no idea what I will be met with when I get home. My real family ditched me a long time ago and no longer care about what happens to me. The new people who took me into their family are probably ready to do the same. After that, I will have no one.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2010
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Noah, there comes a time in ones life when one has to reach out to others who are suffering like you or others who are worse off, and comfort them, and your life will be enriched and the pain will lift. When we take the focus of ourselves, we can turn our pain into greatness or flowers along the way. For the pain teaches us compassion and makes our hearts larger so that we can embrace our broken brothers and sisters.

    There is a way out of your prison and pain, and that is to become the kind, caring person to others, and you'll find a new side of you is born, The victim will become smaller and smaller and the helper will become more what you are about. It will not solve all your problems, but you will feel the joy of helping others, and as long as you are genuinely reaching out to others, your depression will lift.

    Looking for love makes us sad when we cannot get it. This world can be capricious and stingy. But giving love is always up to you. Try giving selflessly, maybe it's the door you have not tried. Joy comes in giving.

    It is in giving that we receive.
    The key to joy is in giving. Look for an opportunity to give. You will find new meaning in your life. When life is hard force yourself to give.
  3. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    noah you poor soul. what a time. its such a shame that you couldnt talk in confidence before last nights ordeal. Dont feel ashamed or bad, your obviously at a point in your life that you need more help than you had. please try and get someone to listen. dont get angry or cross, the folk who helped you last might be cross wth you BECAUSE they love you or they would of left you!

    Life can be so hard but like others will tell you it does get better, if its just a wee bit. Im sorry i cant be much use as im not in a good place my self right now but my thoughts and prayers are with you.
    god bless donnaxx
  4. Noah

    Noah Member

    Thanks for the responses. I do enjoy helping people, and do so frequently. However, from my experience, people take whatever I give them, then kick me to the side when I'm no longer needed, something I would never do to them. I have almost completely lost all faith in humanity.

    I stopped a suicide about 2 years ago, and spent hours bringing her back to reality that night. She promised to be there for me if I ever needed anyone and made me promise to call her if I felt suicidal again. I did one day, tried calling her up. She told me she didn't have time to deal with my crap, and hung the phone up on me, she then wouldn't pick it up again. I was interrupted that time by someone I didn't know and had to hide what I was doing.

    I still feel like harming and/or killing myself all the time, even when I'm not depressed. When I do start feeling depressed, everyone around me gets angry and rude and acts like they just want me gone. They all think I'm just trying to get attention. I'm not, these people have told me to come see them when I'm not feeling well so I don't hurt myself, when I do, they tell me to go away.

    I hadn't seen my teenage goddaughter all weekend, I went and sat next to her while she was watching a video and tried having a friendly conversation. She got angry with me and asked me to go somewhere else. What the heck!?
    Her parents can't afford her band lessons, I pay for those. I buy all her clothes, her school supplies, pay for her lunches, bought and take care of her fish tank for her, and this is what I get in return, no Love, thats all I want.

    I have built and maintained PCs for everyone in my family who needed one, They are all gone now and don't talk to me. None of them came to visit me in the hospital after my first attempt, and I heard such responses as oh well, if he dies he dies and my being there won't make a difference. I always knew they didn't care about me, it just took that to prove it once and for all. What kind of @$$ must I be?

    I tried to give pretenders in my life what they want last night and apparently can't do that right either.

    No one really cares about anyone else, or at least that has been my experience. being a 39 year old loser doesn't help either.
  5. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    noah, your not a looser. these people you talk about probably have alot in their lives to deal with. The lass you saved was in a bad place and unfortunatly got better in her head and felt thats it, shes on the road to recovery.

    From what you've said i think you try and help people when you can. i think thats such a good thing, a very posative step in life. I truely beleive in the saying 'what goes around, comes around' also 'god doesnt pay his debts by money'. Im not sure where in the world you live but there both good britsh sayings!!!

    Try and stay posative Noah. Im sorry i cant do much as im not in a good place in my head my self for the purpose of life, this is purely my life and because of my meds being decreased.
    But dont give up hope.please. donnax
  6. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    I feel your pain. I try to do everything for people. When people need you they're happy to take what they can get, and when you need them, they're gone. I tried to kill myself too last week which was very painful. Although I didn't elaborate, I know that you truly understand. You know what bugs me though. What bugs me is that they're are other people who don't do anything for anybody, and everybody seems to like them. I guess that's just the way it is for some of us.
  7. F_Immunized_7

    F_Immunized_7 Active Member

    does the XXX have really long term effects ?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2010
  8. Noah

    Noah Member

    Thanks for everyone's input. I feel somewhat better now. Yeah, it sucks how people use each other. I have never been that way and it hurts me to see it.

    As far as long lasting effects of exhaust fumes, it will be different for different people. I am very athletic for my age and tend to bounce back from stuff like this quickly. XXX bonds to your blood more readily than Oxygen and your body has trouble getting rid of it. It can build up to lethal levels in your blood over time, or all at once. You may be revived, only to die a week later because the XXX levels in your blood are still a lethal level.

    There are some additives in the fuel that I use in my race car that are carcinogens, so I may end up with a nasty tumor down the road. Other than what I have written here, I believe your body will recover in time.

    Please don't though if you are thinking about doing this. Read my post, I have a high pain tolerance, I play Ice Hockey and am a life long Martial Artist, I have cut myself open, ripped upped my knee and torn my achilles tendon. I was in more pain after I was "rescued" than I have ever been in. It was no picnic.

    On top of that, this was not my first dance, and a great deal of guilt over my first attempt had helped to lead to my second attempt. Now I have even more guilt to heap onto that, it just gets worse each time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2010
  9. F_Immunized_7

    F_Immunized_7 Active Member

    dont let there be a third man .. u are physically great but emotionally gotta be stronger yea ..

    u need ur brains and ur branws ..
  10. akito38

    akito38 Member

    unfortunately I have found out that the more peaceful methods are the most risky. Like over dosing and such. However I was not aware car exhaust was that bad.

    I am sorry your family cast you aside in such a way. But it seems to be a common thing. Other people just don't want to be around depressed suicidal people. I think its some sort of animal instinct.
  11. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    afternoon noah, how you feeling today?

    i try to help people and all you seem to get is shit. My mum says to talk to her but when i phone her its all about how she's feeling, whats she's been doing, how life is for her. AND all i want to do is cry and say "mum, im hurting". When i tried to commit suicide i didnt tell my parents for 5 days, i needed time without the crap they give. When i did phone my mum down in England all she did was cry and say why didnt i phone her sooner!!!! Then she went on about her chap she having an affair with-some help that was for me.

    Ive tried for the last 2 days tell my husband how bad im feeling and that im going down again and all he could do was offer to make me a cup of coffee! F**k. why dont they understand, u tell them, they ask u but they dont really care.
    sorry noah not a happy-bunny today, feeling rough.
    take care donnax
  12. Noah

    Noah Member

    The car exhaust was a disaster, I can't post how I did it, but I had it concentrated, with no air, which is probably why I felt like I was suffocating. The poison in exhaust fumes is Carbon Monoxide and the symptoms of Carbon Monoxide poisoning were not unknown to me. I was not expecting to have to experience them. I expected to be out before I started to feel any of that and was not supposed to wake up.

    Even so, I didn't know it would be that bad.

    I was actually not even suicidal until people started not wanting to be around me. They all deny that that is the case too, while they don't ever return my phone calls or ever have any time to talk to me or do anything fun with me, or visit me in the hospital after I just tried to end my life, or even send me a birthday text.

    That treatment is what has pushed me over the edge.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2010
  13. Noah

    Noah Member

    Hey, Ballinluig,

    feeling guilty, know I need to get clinical help, but don't want it. I see no point in making myself better, no one wants anything I have to offer, no one wants me.

    It's actually morning here, looks (and sounds) like you are in or around the U.K.? I'm in America. I'm sorry no one understands you either, you sound like a good person. Wish we were closer.

    I don't understand people. I'm actually kind of angry with my mother, my dad was depressed, she told him to shoot himself. He did, after he told us kids he loved us, he want in the next room and pulled the trigger. She treated me like crap growing up. She married other guys who were all bad. One of them tried to have our entire family killed, and she had the nerve to badtalk my dad after he killed himself!? I have no use for her anymore, she ruined me.

    Depression isn't hard to understand, people are fake and lazy, they lie about wanting to help, but never do whan you need it. And I'm tired about hearing that they don't know what to do or don't understand. this is the internet age, if they really wanted to know they would just look it up. All I need is someone to love me when I need it, I have been more than willing to drop my problems and help others who need it, why does no one feel I am worth getting love when I need it? Instead, I get "I want to be alone and I hate this crap when you're depressed", I'm not usually depressed until I get that treatment, but everyone just assumes I am now. I get angry glares when I try to go play with the kids, instead of a hug. So, if they want to be left alone and want me gone, and hate my depression crap, I'll give them what they want.
  14. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    evening noah, i live across the waters-scotland. what a life eh?

    sorry my last post wasnt so good, wasnt feeling so good. My meds were decreased 3 weeks ago, and this co-insighted with the boys easter hols off school. Ive had atypical depressive disorder for 15 years, since my brother got killed. but the last 6 months ive coped with life and all the stress.

    But today was either make or break again. it was either a handfull of pills and thats it or a fone call for help.

    Anyway, im still here at home, meds increased and slowly chilling out on valium., which im not happy about. took me months to wean off those bloody things. it pisses me off that dr's just hand out the pills and thats it.

    anyway enough of my woes. How are you tonight Noah?any side effects youve got? have you got a bad head? Hope not.

    Its snowing here, really seasonal. with that and all the hassel with the volcano in iceland and the cloud dust its lovely:stars:

    Right think its time for me to go, valium kicking in and i dont want to fall asleep with my laptop on, cheers Noah:sheep2:
  15. Noah

    Noah Member

    I hear you on the meds, I would rather actually fix me, but that probably can't happen now. Looks like pills for me. I haven't taken one that actually worked yet, that didn't make me impotent, high or overweight.

    I hate taking pills.

    Your closer to that volcano than we are, I'm sure your weather is going to go haywire.

    We have gotten spring pretty early here, the weather has been beautiful. At least there are no volcanos here, I would probably see if I could walk on lava, and film it so people could see the results.

    Glad to hear you are feeling better. I don't know whats going to happen to me now, but I promised to give life, therapy and medications another chance.
  16. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    yeah Noah, thats the way :bubble:. Its hard I know but we have a right to be on this god damn awful world. But there a few things that brighten up our days, probably only wee things but its worth trying.

    I dont like taking meds becasue there all 'made-up' and i beleive we are what we are, unfortunatly some thing along the way our brains have a slot so messages dont go to the correct place or that we have a lack of transmitters. sorry i know what i mean but i cant spell them( seritonin,neuro...) Hope you know what i mean.

    Well it was everyone up early this morning-back to school, last term before the summer-11 long weeks so i think the boys will be happy in July.

    My oldest son starts his exams next week, a biggy for him, hes got 15 exams to do so thats quite alot of brain cell work! especially as hes spent the last 3 weeks fishing instaed of revising!!!!!:sad:

    My middle son has spent 3 weeks working on a farm helping lambing, he worked a 56 hr week, not bad for a 13 yr old.
    And my 'baby' whos 11 leaves primary school in july and starts high school in august. Then thats me done, more or less its down to them. I can only guide them now.

    MUst admit feel wee bit calmer this morning so lets hope for a good day.
    take care Noah, Donna:IrishDoll:
  17. Noah

    Noah Member

    Not being given a choice, was told by the management at work to either call a therapist or they were going to have me locked in a hospital again.

    I don't get it, the only ones who seem to care are people that don't know me well. What does that say about me? I think they just don't want to have to find and train another employee.

    What the hell is there about me worth saving? No girl ever liked me.

    I have no kids, because of the reason above. I'm not a mean person and usually put everyone else ahead of myself. I apparently have things to offer that no one else cares about, especially women. So why go on, what's the point?
  18. Noah

    Noah Member

    So glad to see you feeling better by the way..

    Keep your chin up, someone obviously loved you enough to make children with you. And the great thing about children, there love is unconditional, and they need you. :IrishDoll:
  19. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    The biggest element that stops me from attempting again is the difficulty factor. Since that is the case, I've resigned myself to distractions. I try to make a good portion of those distractions meaningful so I don't feel totally worthless.

    I stopped helping people for a lot of stuff years ago. I was giving to get love. It's better to give to give love. Giving love is still the feeling of love and it is that feeling of loving someone that we feel even if it is based on someone loves us. The feeling of love inside of us is healing to an extent each time we feel it.

    Out society is based on things and many value the things. That's why the response from the child you provide for. Her upbringing is not up to you and you have little say. This is an area to give for the sake of giving love.

    I hope you get to feeling better. I have my up and down days every week. My down days are days I take to myself to get extra rest and consider them a part of who I am and then plug along on my better days.

    I hope this helps.
  20. red summer sun

    red summer sun New Member

    I'm glad that you did not succeed.

    I want you to know I agree with you in a way that nobody really cares about anyone else. I mean they really DO, i believe people are loved (and that you are loved) but we're all so caught up in ourselves it's easy not to treat people right. but don't feel alone in that you sometimes do not feel cared about... I think everybody, even "happy" people, feel that way.

    I have to leave the house and didnt read through this whole thread but re: your teenage god daughter... the key word is teenage. they don't like anybody, so don't let that hurt you. some day she'll realize all you've done for her and be very grateful.
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