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Hi all. Okay, so Saturday night past, I swallowed <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. Little did I know all they would do is make me puke. SO annoying!!!

See, my son killed himself a year ago and before he died, I never NEVER considered killing myself. I was happy. I was content with life. But now, I just want to see him. I want to hold him. I want to make sure he is okay. 75% says he's okay. Actually, probably 95% of me. But part of me needs to know! Of course the hospital sees me as a nut job. I'm not. I'm just ready to BREAK!!! I miss my son. I miss real laughter. I miss believing that tomorrow will be better. I miss believing KYLE HAD A FUTURE!!! He ruined me! He ruined his brother! Don't deep I don't blame him because I know he was depressed, but I'm so tired!


Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
I'm so sorry you lost your son. :hug: I'm so sorry you are feeling so desperate yourself and that you tried to suicide. :hug:

You have lost one son, but have another who no doubt wants you to be alive.

You're not a "nut case" - you're likely depressed and you're definitely mourning. Have you tried a survivors' group for support?

I'm glad you've joined this site. You will find lots of support here and there are others who have been through what you are going through. Continue to post and talk - it helps.
Thank you. Today, I'm feeling better than my drunken rant last night. That's another thing. I've started drinking too much.

How horrible huh? I felt like I was a good mom before my son died. I was in school to secure a better future for me and my boys. Now, I've turned into little more than a lump of flesh. I hope things will get better, but to tell you the truth, the first year, I think I was just floating through life and then the anniversary hit and I feel like reality hit and now I just don't know how to live anymore. I know my son needs me. He is the ONLY reason I'm still here. I guess I just feel like I'm ruining him now. I rarely cook, I rarely clean, I've gained 20 lbs, I've started to drink too much (never in front of him though) and I've had to take a break from school. I know being here is better than not for him, but some days I wonder if that's true.

I have gone to a support group. It was an 8 week group and it's done. I will be starting grief therapy in a couple weeks and I now have to see a psychiatrist due to my stupidity. Hopefully something will help. I just don't know how it gets any better when my son is gone forever. My experience thus far has been things get worse, not better.

Anyways, that's life I guess.

Thanks again for your reply.


Well-Known Member
First of all, welcome to the forum…

It’s not stupidity, hon…grieving is a necessary process. It must be extremely difficult some days…

You have made it through a year. You are strong. You can get through this…

You know you also love the son who is still with you. You want to be here for him. There is no doubt that your being here means a world to him…

Please take care of yourself. Get whatever help you need. Stay strong. Your other son is with you in spirit…

Please hang in there!

hugs :hug:
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