Failed Still Here

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by White Dove, Jul 9, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Well , i am still here for now... it failed or rather i failed at it...

    Went out saturday night to a bar ( siscos mix ) where you can get all you can drink longnecks until 11 pm with a 5$ cover charge , well i got there a little after 9pm and drank and drank... then this cute guy wanted me to dance with him which i did ( first time i had ever danced ) but i think i was really too drunk to do anything.. anyhow that night was shot because i got so drunk that the only thing i remember is walking in my front door at around 3 am and falling into bed and sleeping..

    then today ( sunday ) i had skipped church this morning cause i still had a hang over somewhat.. but my plan was to go to church services this evening and just after services get it done.. well i still could not do it... my dad wanted to go to church services so i took him with me this evening.. then as church was over and some parts during services a police officer patrol car kept going back and forth at this little road beside the church ( i was sitting next to the window and seen the patrol car past twice ) well after that i took dad home and was getting ready to go out and do it when my nephew ( he is 5 years old ) walks up to me and asks where are you going toosie ( he calls me toosie ) well i tell him i am going out and he runs up to my back and grabs my leggs and gives me a big hug and says * I LOVE YOU * that broke my heart and i started to cry right there and everything... well it failed.. so i am still here .. for now....
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2007
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    White Dove, THOSE were all signs from God! You are here because God intervened through your family (and a cop!). I signed on just to see how you were doing and I dreaded not seeing a post from you. I am so proud of you for having the strength to hold on just a little longer, and I really hope you continue to do so. The love God has for you was shown to you through a little child and you are still here. I hope you think of this when you are feeling desperate...not all people can say what they feel. I'm sure your family wants to say these things to you, but it took a little boy to have the heart to do it because he is not encumbered by the things that we adults are. So glad you are still here. :hug:
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    perhaps it was...? i dont really know what to think anymore ..

    and one other thing happened that i forgot to mention.. well i have this garden and it is not doing good cause we are in a drought here but i was out looking at my squash and they are not growing at all well this evening at church my minister and his wife gave me some squash...

    divine intermention??? i really dont know what to think anymore... but Gosh if i do stay and fight i got all this pain and fear of what i seen happen to my mom.... It is just so scarry... and i dont know if i can do it...
  4. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Thats a clear sign of a divine presence or something. Sorry for sending you all that messages.. ~_~
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    no problemo...

    and i did get the text message upon my cell phone and dont know how in the world i got it... see my cell phone is pay as you go and i had no minutes but yet to receive text messages i have to have minutes but i had none yet somehow i got your message??? i dont know how in the heck i got it neither?? cause i cant even make a call on it unless it is to 911 which is free , yet i got yours..

    are you some kind of angle or something??? J/K that is unless you really are an angle???
  6. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Definitely signs from God...Squash? What are the chances they would just give you some squash? Someone is watching over you White Dove, and I believe that someone is happy you are still here. I'm glad you got to dance :) And I'm so glad you are still with us...just this story alone strengthens my faith, as I am sure it strengthens the faith of others. I must say that you even SOUND stronger now. You can do all things in God who strengthens you.
  7. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    I am glad to know you will still be here to chat with us ^_^. I guess you must be feeling real good that your dad says he loves you. My folks will never genuinely tell me that ever. An angel..? No..I am too evil to be one! Well, I am really happy you are still here. It cheers me up!
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    it was not my dad that said he loves me.. he still hasent told me that , not ever..

    it was my 5 year old nephew.. a child... a little boy tells me he loves me and something inside me just broke.. dont really know what it was just to hear that from out of the blue from a small child.. it .. it just got to me.. hard to explain..

    and yep peanut.. the ministers wife had asked me how many i wanted and i told her about 3 of them , just enough to make a meal and she takes out 3 for herself and gives me the whole bag... i mean about 15 or 20 is in that bag and she walked off with the 3... i thought she might have made a mistake and i stopped her and asked her the whole bag she just said keep it in the fridge , they will keep..

    today was just a very weird day to me....
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Sounds like God Himself is reaching out to comfort you and to show you that even if He will take you home soon, you are not quite done here.
  10. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Ooooppps...sorry. But still, it must be so nice for your nephew to tell you that ^_^
  11. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I agree with the above. I know you are in pain but i'm glad you are still with us hun, I really am. I know I don't know you well but I'd still miss you if you just disappeared. Hang in there, try and stay safe for now anyway. I'm here if you ever need to talk. :hug:
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    You know one of these days i will not be here... but when you dont see a post from this little old white dove in the soap box forum know that something has happened and that i may have went home to Jesus...

    But i will stay as long as i can and try to fight all this pain the best way i can.. Others have said i am brave.. I really dont think of myself as brave cause at night i often lose it and these stupid emotional feelings get in the way and then i end up hurting and crying again and let my feelings out in the let it out forum here...

    And then theres this stupid physical pain of knowing what i seen my mom go through that i will be going through about the same thing and it scares me and that feeling of being scared will stire up those emotional feelings again.... I want the pain to end but i also want to go to Jesus and to heaven and i am afraid this little white dove can not get there.. i mean if God only knows half of what all i did he would never let me in....

    BRAVE... No not brave.. if i was brave i would not be so scared of what lies ahead for me... And i am scared... Scared of the pain.. Scared of dying alone.. Scared of never being able to tell those i hurt i am truly sorry.. Bible says you must make things right with your brethern first before coming to him... Seems i cant do that so that is one strike against me.... no telling how many more...

    Sometimes i get mad at God for giving me this stupid cancer then at other times i dont get mad.. Dont know if i can do it or not.. Dont know if i can fight or give in and take my life especially when the pain gets harder to bear.. Will need a lot of help then..

    scared that i will let these suicidal feelings overtake me again and that i will do something dumb anmd totally stupid and then get drunk and take an OD especially if the pain gets to hurting more... just all and out scared that i will not be able to fight someday... Afraid i wont be strong enough..

    so really i am not brave cause i am scared.....
  13. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Re: Failed Still Here

    You know, I am not sure who have you hurt before but life has not been fair to you on Earth. Maybe it's a sign God is showing you his love or something through the voice of a little kid. I am sure God knows what you have been through and all you've done. I think he is waiting for you.

    Your courage is shown when you have the will to write back here and tell everyone what really happened. I was thinking its over and when I see your post. I was like so relieved. I hope you can hold on longer though. By the way, I am glad you get to dance with someone. I never did. You will be happy somehow, I know... ^_^
  14. Ampacity

    Ampacity Active Member

    God is watching over you. :biggrin: He loves you very much. Take care and be safe.
  15. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    im so glad u r still with us white dove u hang in there hun
  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Glad to see you are still with us White Dove. You are sounding much stronger. It is okay to be afraid of things. I know you watched your mother and that causes a lot of fear. It does not go exactly the same way for everyone. I watched my dad, grandmother, grandfather, and two uncles. While some things were the same, not everything was. Keep hanging in there.
  17. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Oh WD it's so heartbreaking reading your post's I couldn't help it but have a tear come down my face reading about what's happened with you.:sad:
  18. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Bravery is not the absence of fear WD, it is being afraid and doing something anyway.
  19. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's good to hear that your still here with us. It seems like your really popular here. And it seems like alot of people care about you. So don't leave all those that care for you.
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