Failed - such a burden on people

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by batfinkjedi, Oct 26, 2013.

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  1. batfinkjedi

    batfinkjedi New Member

    So on Thursday morning, I had a total breakdown; I came up against a very very minor problem at work and instead of just solving it or asking someone as i would usually do, I lost all control of my mind, lost all reason and hope and just dropped my tools and walked off site (i work in construction) - I drove aimlessly around, crying uncontrollably, for around 2 hours - then I reached a decision which i have been considering for a few years now (I have been in a deep depression for quite a few years now, mainly caused by being made redundant 4 times in 7 years, a pattern which caused my ex wife to leave me (because i was too depressed), she took all the money from our joint account and set up home with one of my best friends (who she is marrying this year), as she left me with nothing and i had no job i had no choice but to move in with my parents at the age of 33, the last time i lived with them i was 17. I am also suffering from PTSD brought on by being on the Bombed piccadily line tube train which was bombed on 7/7. SO i have been thinking about checking out for a while now.

    I stopped crying, made myself look presentable and went to a supermarket where I purchased <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, got back in my van and drove aimlessly again looking for a quiet spot where i would not be disturbed.
    <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

    6 hours later I awake to police and paramedics everywhere, a headache like nothing ive known, profuse vomiting, uncontrollable convulsions and many questions - as a flooring fitter i had 3 or 4 knives on me which was causing the police concern and I was unable to understand/answer many of their questions - I was working around 2 hours away from where i live so was taken to the local hospital for treatment - my Mum was called and she had to drive the two hrs to the hospital at 12am.

    I was admitted to a ward and spent 36hrs on oxygen, drips, monitors etc etc

    discharged this morning, I have been back at my parents place for a couple of hours.

    I feel worse now than i did when i did it - everyone has been amazing, but i know they don't understand, I feel like a burden and due to all the uncontrollable setbacks I have had I can't bring myself to feel any hope for the future.

    I used to be a hugely confident and successful businessman but knock after knock after knock have left me utterly depressed to the point if i catch my eye in the mirror I see a failure and sobbing ensues - this makes me feel worse as it is so weak

    the personal side of my life is, probably, pretty enviable - i have loads of friends and a loving family. but to my mind the reason for this is reciprocal i.e. if i was an arse i wouldn't have many friends sothere is a contribution on my part ... this is why i feel so hopeless about the work/money side as there is nothing I have done (which in future i could be careful not to do) whichhase caused my many setbacks - it's all outside of my control, I can't physically work harder, no-one I've worked with has ever had a bad thing to say about me, I've had fantastic appraisals, won awards etc and yet still lost jobs - I am a 35 yr old man who has no money, no possessions, no job, and i live at my parents house - I feel soo trapped.

    i don't know why i'm saying this here, i don't really have a question

    i just don't know what to do
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You keep trying hun It is good you have such support from your friends and parents. I know you don't want it to be this way but for now until you get some strength back being at home is not a bad thing. Many adults have had to move back home with parents because of the labor force being what it is and the extended family is now a normal thing hun so don't be so hard on yourself ok hugs
  3. batfinkjedi

    batfinkjedi New Member

    thanks - i'll be trying
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    bat I sort of do understand. been there myself long ago.. I am almost 67 now.. only lately gotten the good sense I was kind of born with.. there is time for you in this life.. you do have some really good qualities and good friends also.. thought is you might really benefit from some good psych help at this time.. work with them and maybe time right try to get back into the labor force..

    in the meantime instead of hiding out alone, maybe join in here and see how that goes???? lots of people here that want to make some real friends and get some support.. might be good for you also.. in the meantime I hope you are able to stay safe!!! once was more than enough good sir..
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