Hi all,
I'm a newbie to the forum. As the title says, I tried committing suicide tonight. I went for a walk and seriously thought about throwing myself at an oncoming car. I was standing at the edge of the sidewalk staring at the traffic, tears streaming down my face, and thought how nice it would be to end my life. I hate myself, I hate my family and I hate my life right now. In the end, I could not bring myself to do it and went back home still in tears. I am scared that I will try it again and succeed the next time. The next time I want xxx to be sure that my life will end for sure. I have absolutely nothing to live for.
My mom and sister have been verbally abusive towards me and this abuse has escalated recently. My mom even asked me why I was not dead yet and why I didn't go through with the suicide. How many mothers would actually ENCOURAGE their children to commit suicide? I am really scared that next time I will not be able to stop myself and will end up dead.
A little bit about me: I am a 22 year old female from the west coast. Graduated from university last year with a bachelors. Got accepted to a medical school in USA. I have had suicidal tendencies over the past year or so.
The problem is all my life I have been pressured to succeed. Ever since I was little my mom would ask me what rank I was in the class. Anything lower than #1 was unacceptable to her. I think the reason why she demanded high academic standards from me was because my dad left us (my mom, myself, and my sister) when I was 4. My mom feels the need to prove to him and herself that she is a good parent and one of the objective criteria that proves she is a good parent (in my mom's view) is if we, her children, earn top grades in school. When I was 12, I remembered scoring 78 percent on a math test. Parents at my school would have to initial beside the score for each math test and I remembered being terrified of showing her my grade (as I always got over 90%). We went shopping that weekend and I bought a pair of pants. Afterwards, I worked up the courage to show her my grade and ask for her signature. She was so furious at my mark and asked me why I had tricked her into buying me pants. She said that she would never have purchased clothes for me if she had known I was doing so "poorly" in math. My mom has also been physically abusive towards me during my childhood and adolescence. She has hit me, pulled at my arms and ears, and pushed/shoved me to the floor and slapped me in the face on around 30 occasions.
So basically from elementary school, to secondary school, to university I have excelled in academics. Eventually, without my mom forcing me, I grew to like school. I liked the academic accolades and the attention that I received from my teachers. It was my only sense of self worth. However, I have ZERO social life. I have no friends whatsoever. I never went to my own prom, never went on a single date and, as I mentioned before, have no friends to confide in, no friends to relax with. I have attributed my isolation/loneliness/and depression to several factors:
1.) My mom:
I deeply resent my mom. Yes, she is a single mom and yes, she did raise me and my sister all by herself but she has been a very difficult person to live with. She gets angry at me for all the slightest things. It is like she is taking her anger for being abandoned by my dad nearly two decades ago on me. She is threatening to withdraw financial support for me to go to medical school. Without her financial support, I will not be able to fund my medical studies even though I am taking out a huge loan from the bank already. My mom has never once said congratulations to me for getting in to med school. All she has done is complain that is so expensive. Mine you, she was the one that forced me to apply to medical school in the first place. When I was in high school, I had wanted to major in pre-law but she would not let me. My mom said that science was the only acceptable major and unfortunately I listened to her. I do not even like science all that much and am thinking about withdrawing my acceptance from med school. However, in the past 4 years, I have devoted my entire life to getting into medical school and it would be waste if I don't go.
2.) My sister:
My sister does not want me to go to medical school because she thinks that this will interfere with her current lifestyle. That is, if my mom supports my medical eduation, the financial support that my sister receives my mom currently may be reduced. Right now, my mom pays for my sister's car and the gas (I do not own a car). My mom also gives my sister money every day because she is still in school. My sister stays out with guys all the time and doesn't come home for 3 nights straight and yet my mom rarely yells at her. Again, I am the sole recipient of my mom's verbal abuse. I have pointed out that it is unfair that my sister has a car but my mom has said that my medical education is way more expensive and I do not deserve a car (even though I will need one to drive to clinics to see patients as part of the curriculum).
3.) Our living situation:
Right now, I still live with my mom and sister. I cannot afford to move out because I will need to take out loans for medical school and we as a family we are not wealthy at all. The living situation has created tensions in the past. Unlike other people I know, I did not have the opportunity to live in dorms/residence during university. I commuted to school and had to live at home because of our poor financial situation. My commute everyday for my 4 years at university (for my undergrad) was 3 hours in total, sometimes even longer. I was accepted by other schools for undergrad where I would have to live in dorms/residence but my mom did not allow me to go. In this way, I missed out on university life and making friends that way because after class, I would come back home everyday. My major was very rigorous and I did not have a lot of time to socialize (time was spent on studying) and make friends which is something I regret.
4.) My dad's absence:
My dad abandoned me when I was four. My mom has always told me to tell my classmates in school whenever they ask about my dad that he was away at work. She told my sister and I to never tell our classmates that we come from a divorced family. I assume my mom wanted to "save face." Anyway, it has been difficult without my dad around for me emotionally and financially. We have not had any contact with him for nearly 20 years. In my final year of secondary school, I developed a crush on a teacher (who was single at the time). The teacher was like a father figure to me. Nothing physical happened between us but we spent a lot of time together and, as I have grown older, I have come to realize that this time should have spent with classmates my own age- socializing and having fun. Not with a 40 year old man.
I could list more factors but I think I'll just leave it at that. My question is how can I improve my current situation? What would you do if you were in my situation to reduce the suicidal tendencies/attempts? I have not been formally diagnosed with any psychological illnesses by an MD but I think I probably have severe depression.
I feel like such a loser, such a coward for not being able to go through with my suicide plan. My mom is probably laughing at me right now for being so weak (as I mentioned she has encouraged that I commit suicide).
I really appreciate all your thoughts. Thank you in advance
I'm a newbie to the forum. As the title says, I tried committing suicide tonight. I went for a walk and seriously thought about throwing myself at an oncoming car. I was standing at the edge of the sidewalk staring at the traffic, tears streaming down my face, and thought how nice it would be to end my life. I hate myself, I hate my family and I hate my life right now. In the end, I could not bring myself to do it and went back home still in tears. I am scared that I will try it again and succeed the next time. The next time I want xxx to be sure that my life will end for sure. I have absolutely nothing to live for.
My mom and sister have been verbally abusive towards me and this abuse has escalated recently. My mom even asked me why I was not dead yet and why I didn't go through with the suicide. How many mothers would actually ENCOURAGE their children to commit suicide? I am really scared that next time I will not be able to stop myself and will end up dead.
A little bit about me: I am a 22 year old female from the west coast. Graduated from university last year with a bachelors. Got accepted to a medical school in USA. I have had suicidal tendencies over the past year or so.
The problem is all my life I have been pressured to succeed. Ever since I was little my mom would ask me what rank I was in the class. Anything lower than #1 was unacceptable to her. I think the reason why she demanded high academic standards from me was because my dad left us (my mom, myself, and my sister) when I was 4. My mom feels the need to prove to him and herself that she is a good parent and one of the objective criteria that proves she is a good parent (in my mom's view) is if we, her children, earn top grades in school. When I was 12, I remembered scoring 78 percent on a math test. Parents at my school would have to initial beside the score for each math test and I remembered being terrified of showing her my grade (as I always got over 90%). We went shopping that weekend and I bought a pair of pants. Afterwards, I worked up the courage to show her my grade and ask for her signature. She was so furious at my mark and asked me why I had tricked her into buying me pants. She said that she would never have purchased clothes for me if she had known I was doing so "poorly" in math. My mom has also been physically abusive towards me during my childhood and adolescence. She has hit me, pulled at my arms and ears, and pushed/shoved me to the floor and slapped me in the face on around 30 occasions.
So basically from elementary school, to secondary school, to university I have excelled in academics. Eventually, without my mom forcing me, I grew to like school. I liked the academic accolades and the attention that I received from my teachers. It was my only sense of self worth. However, I have ZERO social life. I have no friends whatsoever. I never went to my own prom, never went on a single date and, as I mentioned before, have no friends to confide in, no friends to relax with. I have attributed my isolation/loneliness/and depression to several factors:
1.) My mom:
I deeply resent my mom. Yes, she is a single mom and yes, she did raise me and my sister all by herself but she has been a very difficult person to live with. She gets angry at me for all the slightest things. It is like she is taking her anger for being abandoned by my dad nearly two decades ago on me. She is threatening to withdraw financial support for me to go to medical school. Without her financial support, I will not be able to fund my medical studies even though I am taking out a huge loan from the bank already. My mom has never once said congratulations to me for getting in to med school. All she has done is complain that is so expensive. Mine you, she was the one that forced me to apply to medical school in the first place. When I was in high school, I had wanted to major in pre-law but she would not let me. My mom said that science was the only acceptable major and unfortunately I listened to her. I do not even like science all that much and am thinking about withdrawing my acceptance from med school. However, in the past 4 years, I have devoted my entire life to getting into medical school and it would be waste if I don't go.
2.) My sister:
My sister does not want me to go to medical school because she thinks that this will interfere with her current lifestyle. That is, if my mom supports my medical eduation, the financial support that my sister receives my mom currently may be reduced. Right now, my mom pays for my sister's car and the gas (I do not own a car). My mom also gives my sister money every day because she is still in school. My sister stays out with guys all the time and doesn't come home for 3 nights straight and yet my mom rarely yells at her. Again, I am the sole recipient of my mom's verbal abuse. I have pointed out that it is unfair that my sister has a car but my mom has said that my medical education is way more expensive and I do not deserve a car (even though I will need one to drive to clinics to see patients as part of the curriculum).
3.) Our living situation:
Right now, I still live with my mom and sister. I cannot afford to move out because I will need to take out loans for medical school and we as a family we are not wealthy at all. The living situation has created tensions in the past. Unlike other people I know, I did not have the opportunity to live in dorms/residence during university. I commuted to school and had to live at home because of our poor financial situation. My commute everyday for my 4 years at university (for my undergrad) was 3 hours in total, sometimes even longer. I was accepted by other schools for undergrad where I would have to live in dorms/residence but my mom did not allow me to go. In this way, I missed out on university life and making friends that way because after class, I would come back home everyday. My major was very rigorous and I did not have a lot of time to socialize (time was spent on studying) and make friends which is something I regret.
4.) My dad's absence:
My dad abandoned me when I was four. My mom has always told me to tell my classmates in school whenever they ask about my dad that he was away at work. She told my sister and I to never tell our classmates that we come from a divorced family. I assume my mom wanted to "save face." Anyway, it has been difficult without my dad around for me emotionally and financially. We have not had any contact with him for nearly 20 years. In my final year of secondary school, I developed a crush on a teacher (who was single at the time). The teacher was like a father figure to me. Nothing physical happened between us but we spent a lot of time together and, as I have grown older, I have come to realize that this time should have spent with classmates my own age- socializing and having fun. Not with a 40 year old man.
I could list more factors but I think I'll just leave it at that. My question is how can I improve my current situation? What would you do if you were in my situation to reduce the suicidal tendencies/attempts? I have not been formally diagnosed with any psychological illnesses by an MD but I think I probably have severe depression.
I feel like such a loser, such a coward for not being able to go through with my suicide plan. My mom is probably laughing at me right now for being so weak (as I mentioned she has encouraged that I commit suicide).
I really appreciate all your thoughts. Thank you in advance
Last edited by a moderator:
