Failed suicide attempt. Maybe next time?

Hi all,

I'm a newbie to the forum. As the title says, I tried committing suicide tonight. I went for a walk and seriously thought about throwing myself at an oncoming car. I was standing at the edge of the sidewalk staring at the traffic, tears streaming down my face, and thought how nice it would be to end my life. I hate myself, I hate my family and I hate my life right now. In the end, I could not bring myself to do it and went back home still in tears. I am scared that I will try it again and succeed the next time. The next time I want xxx to be sure that my life will end for sure. I have absolutely nothing to live for.

My mom and sister have been verbally abusive towards me and this abuse has escalated recently. My mom even asked me why I was not dead yet and why I didn't go through with the suicide. How many mothers would actually ENCOURAGE their children to commit suicide? I am really scared that next time I will not be able to stop myself and will end up dead.

A little bit about me: I am a 22 year old female from the west coast. Graduated from university last year with a bachelors. Got accepted to a medical school in USA. I have had suicidal tendencies over the past year or so.

The problem is all my life I have been pressured to succeed. Ever since I was little my mom would ask me what rank I was in the class. Anything lower than #1 was unacceptable to her. I think the reason why she demanded high academic standards from me was because my dad left us (my mom, myself, and my sister) when I was 4. My mom feels the need to prove to him and herself that she is a good parent and one of the objective criteria that proves she is a good parent (in my mom's view) is if we, her children, earn top grades in school. When I was 12, I remembered scoring 78 percent on a math test. Parents at my school would have to initial beside the score for each math test and I remembered being terrified of showing her my grade (as I always got over 90%). We went shopping that weekend and I bought a pair of pants. Afterwards, I worked up the courage to show her my grade and ask for her signature. She was so furious at my mark and asked me why I had tricked her into buying me pants. She said that she would never have purchased clothes for me if she had known I was doing so "poorly" in math. My mom has also been physically abusive towards me during my childhood and adolescence. She has hit me, pulled at my arms and ears, and pushed/shoved me to the floor and slapped me in the face on around 30 occasions.

So basically from elementary school, to secondary school, to university I have excelled in academics. Eventually, without my mom forcing me, I grew to like school. I liked the academic accolades and the attention that I received from my teachers. It was my only sense of self worth. However, I have ZERO social life. I have no friends whatsoever. I never went to my own prom, never went on a single date and, as I mentioned before, have no friends to confide in, no friends to relax with. I have attributed my isolation/loneliness/and depression to several factors:

1.) My mom:
I deeply resent my mom. Yes, she is a single mom and yes, she did raise me and my sister all by herself but she has been a very difficult person to live with. She gets angry at me for all the slightest things. It is like she is taking her anger for being abandoned by my dad nearly two decades ago on me. She is threatening to withdraw financial support for me to go to medical school. Without her financial support, I will not be able to fund my medical studies even though I am taking out a huge loan from the bank already. My mom has never once said congratulations to me for getting in to med school. All she has done is complain that is so expensive. Mine you, she was the one that forced me to apply to medical school in the first place. When I was in high school, I had wanted to major in pre-law but she would not let me. My mom said that science was the only acceptable major and unfortunately I listened to her. I do not even like science all that much and am thinking about withdrawing my acceptance from med school. However, in the past 4 years, I have devoted my entire life to getting into medical school and it would be waste if I don't go.
2.) My sister:
My sister does not want me to go to medical school because she thinks that this will interfere with her current lifestyle. That is, if my mom supports my medical eduation, the financial support that my sister receives my mom currently may be reduced. Right now, my mom pays for my sister's car and the gas (I do not own a car). My mom also gives my sister money every day because she is still in school. My sister stays out with guys all the time and doesn't come home for 3 nights straight and yet my mom rarely yells at her. Again, I am the sole recipient of my mom's verbal abuse. I have pointed out that it is unfair that my sister has a car but my mom has said that my medical education is way more expensive and I do not deserve a car (even though I will need one to drive to clinics to see patients as part of the curriculum).
3.) Our living situation:
Right now, I still live with my mom and sister. I cannot afford to move out because I will need to take out loans for medical school and we as a family we are not wealthy at all. The living situation has created tensions in the past. Unlike other people I know, I did not have the opportunity to live in dorms/residence during university. I commuted to school and had to live at home because of our poor financial situation. My commute everyday for my 4 years at university (for my undergrad) was 3 hours in total, sometimes even longer. I was accepted by other schools for undergrad where I would have to live in dorms/residence but my mom did not allow me to go. In this way, I missed out on university life and making friends that way because after class, I would come back home everyday. My major was very rigorous and I did not have a lot of time to socialize (time was spent on studying) and make friends which is something I regret.
4.) My dad's absence:
My dad abandoned me when I was four. My mom has always told me to tell my classmates in school whenever they ask about my dad that he was away at work. She told my sister and I to never tell our classmates that we come from a divorced family. I assume my mom wanted to "save face." Anyway, it has been difficult without my dad around for me emotionally and financially. We have not had any contact with him for nearly 20 years. In my final year of secondary school, I developed a crush on a teacher (who was single at the time). The teacher was like a father figure to me. Nothing physical happened between us but we spent a lot of time together and, as I have grown older, I have come to realize that this time should have spent with classmates my own age- socializing and having fun. Not with a 40 year old man.

I could list more factors but I think I'll just leave it at that. My question is how can I improve my current situation? What would you do if you were in my situation to reduce the suicidal tendencies/attempts? I have not been formally diagnosed with any psychological illnesses by an MD but I think I probably have severe depression.

I feel like such a loser, such a coward for not being able to go through with my suicide plan. My mom is probably laughing at me right now for being so weak (as I mentioned she has encouraged that I commit suicide).

I really appreciate all your thoughts. Thank you in advance

 

You are not a loser! You are already well educated and will pass this qualification you are studying.

Someone not going through with a suicide plan has to live another day despite an awful horrible illness which makes live seem like hell. If anything that is brave - and wise, because if you had succeeded, you are unable to do the things you wanted to do.

As for your mother - maybe she is a little 'damaged' and perhaps bitter at the divorce or something. Maybe she is depressed as often abusive behaviour might be something that is a kind of 'therapy' in which people pour their own emotional turmoil onto others.

Sad your father has not seen you for so long, but perhaps you ought to try looking him up. I'm guessing a part of you would love to find a father who was well adjusted and perhaps able to offer the emotional support you need. You might get hurt also - but many people in your position simply use Facebook and there they find the parent or a relative of the parent who walked out - or maybe got pushed out. You mum has raised you though - and sometimes a father who walks out and never gets back in touch is not worth it. Hard one to call really.

As for your home life - has your mother always been verbally abusive and uncaring? The pressure may have gotten to her also, single mum, raising 2 children alone, dad not around. Maybe family counselling would be better but your mum might get emotional if you try to hint she may have problems. Best leave that and sort yourself out. After all when you start education, you will be around people your own age, be able to come out of yourself as people treat you like an equal.

And you might find some part time work to fit in - digs near the place of education, maybe fellow students who rent some cheap home - plenty of them out there, its a renters market right now.

You got to get some help also - but the education would deal with that as there are people employed to deal with students going through depression.

Also - just being here will help you. You won't find negative verbal abuse here - only constructive advice in a caring manner which hopefully reassures you.

Maybe you should just tell you mum that you love her no matter what and you want to get along with her and take care of her in later life. She has put you through educations and that shows she cares. She may be controlling - and like a lot of people not take suicide seriously. I do and maybe you should see a doc yourself - your mum does not have to know but maybe, hopefully, at some point you will be able to talk to her about it.

I know its horrible having parents say demeaning things, but when we are depressed it hurts in ways which go beyond normal hurt - we ruminate and recycle cruel words said in haste or anger.

I'm sure your mum would be heartbroken if you were to succeed in suicide.

The person saying something cruel to someone depressed, does not know the hurt they cause.

You can learn techniques to keep your mother 'happy' and not get into any fights. If you study - you'll be on a laptop, studying hard - if your at home! You can do voluntary work to get out the home and get more confident. You will likely land a boyfriend age appropriate. But don't feel too down about the older man - he ought to have kept a distance due to his age. But it was platonic so it matters little.

Your life now is kind of on hold - waiting for the business of education start again - and maybe a bit scared about the process. the new people, places, experiences and so on.

you all feel that way anyhow - plus students, though they get a bad name (in the UK) are a great bunch of people who look out for each other and help each other through years which you do need that company.

You are bright and intelligent, sensitive and caring - I'm sure you'll make a great friend and also make some young man happy also.

You missed out on a lot of happiness - but you've been brave enough to go through the trials you have been through and are more than eloquent enough in describing your experiences.

Depression does need treatment though - but do try hard to AVOID any emotional minefields with your mum - don't get into an argument - ask her does she want a cup of coffee or a nice cup of tea.

Sometimes people who are abusive, run out of fuel when you do not respond. You can break that cycle, even if you have to walk away holding your tongue.

But even so - see a doctor, your health is not something that ought to be gambled on.

My regards from England, Land of the Bee and Home of the Rave

 

I'm sorry that you've been feeling suicidal and I'm glad that you didn't try to kill yourself

yeah, your mom sounds totally from hell

I think that in abusive families it may be common for one child to be the primary object of abuse. I think it's usually whoever is the most vulnerable.

I think that it would be best to make your health and well being your top priority. Going to med school eventually might be a good idea, but right now, continuing to be in an abusive family, putting the additional pressure of med school on yourself while you are feeling suicidal sounds like a really bad idea.

Med school is hell even for people who are perfectly healthy and who have emotional support. I think that doing this eventually might be good, but it's important to take care of yourself. If you failed your classes, you would have huge debts still, and it would tend to make you even more suicidal

You might want to try contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline

---------
National Domestic Violence Hotline
24 hour hotline phone: 800.799.SAFE (800.799.7233)
www.thehotline.org
who they help: victims, survivors, family, parents, friends, offenders, community leaders. A resource to anyone who may have concerns about relationship being unhealthy or abusive, and it does not matter whether they are dating or married, living together or not.
---------------
seeing a doctor and getting some meds might be a good start, at least until you not feeling the urge to kill yourself so strongly. do you have insurance?

Is there a relative that you trust that you could stay with at least in the short term? getting out of your current living situation asap sounds like it could help.

If you can stabilize, maybe you can get a job and an apartment (or live with roommates).

maybe get some therapy, be gentle with yourself and try to heal.

I hope that things get better soon!

 

Hi and welcome...Move on...your mother is troubled and she seems to care more about herself than anything else, your sister is doing what she has to to survive, and has no extra for you...you have the power to differentiate yourself from them and live for your own goals and aspirations...please PM me if I can help in any way...and please stay safe...you sound lovely and talented; the type of person sorely needed on the planet...welcome again and big hugs; I wish I could give them to you in RL, J

 

welcome

i wish there was a way you could get out of that horrible living situation. it can be very cheap to rent a room in a house full of students. perhaps you can take a slightly larger loan in order to facilitate that. you would save time on your commute that can best be used for studying, too.

 

I'm sorry to hear all that you have been through and all that you are going through. You seem like a very sweet and kind girl. You're also smart and I get the feeling that you're much stronger than you think. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?! Please don't end your life. You are far to wonderful and to precious.



.O

 

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your kind comments. They are truly heartfelt. I cried myself to sleep yesterday but today is a new day. I am considering seeing a psychiatrist so hopefully I will have someone to talk with in person. I cannot tell my mom because she would go crazy if she found out her "perfect" child has a psychological illness. So I guess I'll just go to the consultations privately- hopefully that will help a bit.

I also think this is a great supportive place and will try coming on more often to contribute. Sometimes, it is good to get advice from people who are non-judgemental. I tried calling a distress line on my cell phone when I was contemplating suicide and the line was busy.

I think the best thing I can do now is focus on the positive. I have already made acquaintances with several people who will start med school with me. Hopefully, I can spend more time cultivating friendships with them and others. I should note that I am not anti-social or anything. I just don't have any close friends- many, many acquaintances but none that I can confide in.

If my mom starts an argument which she seems to like to do on a daily basis, I will just ignore her. Sometimes, I do try to reply to her but she will scream and yell over me. My sister did not come home last night and she is sleeping with god knows who. When they (my sister and my mom) are together, they like to team up and attack me and call me names such as "loser," "loner," "crazy," "mentally retarded" etc. It is all because I suggested that I might need a car for med school and my sister feels threatened that I will take her car away. My mom will not pay for another car- we currently have 2.

As for med school, I will be going away in September. I will not be living at home so my living situation will change. Although others have suggested finding part-time work during med school so that I can fund a car, it is really not possible to juggle both the demands of med school and a job. Med school is really like a full-time job with a lot of "take-home work" in the form of studying. I should say that I do want to go to med school to help others but, I know that I need to help myself first. I want to spend these three months making that my first priority.

Thanks again everyone and additional comments are welcomed.

 

Goodbye

I don't think I can control it anymore. I want to die. My mom just talked to the bank and withdrew all financial support for me- I will not be able to go to med school because my loan does not cover the costs. She said I messed up my entire life (I don't know what she means by this) and will not be supporting me any further in life. She has threatened to kick me out of the house. I actually knelt down on both knees and repeatedly begged her to reconsider supporting me for med school. My mom will not reconsider. Now, I really have nothing to live for. No med school, no friends, no family, no life. I'm going to end things. Bye all

 

Please don't go.

I know that med school right now seems to be the only escape, the only way out in your life,
but there is so much more to live, to experience, to see.

Taking some time off before med school may not be such a bad idea.
I am also premed and am graduating this year. But there are some things that i know i need to sort out, process, and figure out before I feel I can embark on my medical career.

This might actually be a good opportunity for you to put some distance between yourself and your mother/sister, and to maybe find a job and become financially independent from your family. that would give you the space to breathe and to figure out who you are and what you want.
This might take more than three months.

I know you love them, but this is your life and not theirs. Staying in such a hostile environment will just keep you down.
You need to get out and establish your boundaries and independence from them.

But, please, PLEASE don't go.

As another med school hopeful who struggles with a debilitating mental illness, I am rooting for you.

 

Re: Goodbye

Please don't end your life.
Please, please don't do anything to hurt yourself either.

Why would your mom do that? Sounds like your mom has issues.
You don't deserve this kind of treatment from your mom.
Things will somehow work out for you even without your mom's help.
Where there's a will there's a way and I know you have a will.
Please continue to hang in there. You have lots to live for.
I care about you as do so many others.
Feel free to PM me anytime if you want.

 

hold on..dont let your family dictate your future. can you apply for scholarships? but why would your mum do that, sounds really mean and needy to me. as for you, you are not worthless, yhou have a lot to offer and dont let others put you down. find out why she did what she did and try and stay calm and rise above it, you are worth more than her

 

hey, I hope that you are ok!

you may be able to get scholarship money

also, postponing med school could a blessing in disguise

do you know where you would go if you got kicked out? we might be able to help

www.befrienders.org has a list of suicide hotlines. maybe there would be other lines open if one is busy?

I hope that things can get better soon and

I'm sorry that your mom is such a monster

:hug: :hug: :hug: