Failed to kill myself again

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Shane96, Jun 21, 2012.

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  1. Shane96

    Shane96 Member

    I don't even know if this counts as a suicide attempt, but please bear with me.
    Yesterday i was at a party with my cousin, i didn't know anyone there, but he introduced me to everyone and they all seemed like nice people.

    So we started drinking, smoking, laughing and so on, all good stuff. But halfway through the night, my cousin got really drunk and he started making fun of me (he usually doesn't do that), once he started he didn't stop and every time he said something about me (my hair, my clothes.. basically the way i look) everybody busted out in laughter and every time i said something, ANYTHING he said things even more humiliating. Maybe they were joking, but i think it got a bit out of hand, because i was the center of attention all night and not in a good way...

    So at the end of the party when everybody was going to sleep, drunk as hell. I went and sat on the window (the apartment in which we were was on the 12th floor) with a bottle of Rum in my hand, but with no intention of killing myself, so i light up a joint and tried to relax my mind, but out of nowhere dark thoughts entered my mind, i started thinking about that girl who broke my heart some days ago, about my best friend who was using me for his selfish gain, about how i don't have any real friends to talk to which results in me spending all of my day either at home or either taking 4 hour walks alone through some forest. I got really depressed, just like i was some hours ago.

    By this time i was really drunk and high, so i decided to just jump and get it over with, so what if maybe my relatives were going to cry about me, i don't care. Unlike the last time i tried to kill myself this time i felt no hesitation. I started a slow countdown from 10 to 1 with my eyes closed. When i got to 2, suddenly someone pulled me back in, at first i thought i was already dead, but after a moment i realized that a girl(she was actually the host of the party) had saved me, i then tried to run to the window again, but she managed to pull me back again i fell on the bed after which she grabbed me and kissed me for a good 5 seconds (probably only to calm me down) She then said "Please don't do it" with a sad expression on her face.How could she not say that, if i had jumped she would have been in a world of trouble.

    We stayed awake and talked all night about why i wanted to kill myself, it seemed like she really cared and wanted to help me and she didn't stop hugging me which felt really nice. The next day she was with me, talking to me until i left her home. I left before my cousin because i just don't want to see him again. I'm really thankful that that girl made me feel better, but i guess it still isn't enough because i still feel really depressed. I'm not asking for any advice, i just wanted to share with everybody...
  2. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad she saved you.
  3. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    WOW thank you for sharing. I'm so glad that she was there to save you. That story was sad but it had a good ending because you were saved.:hugtackles:
  4. im glad she saved you
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    It wasn't your time to go Shane. She was your guardian angel that night, and you should thank her for saving your life. :)
  6. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    You used the words "failed to kill myself", and while I understand where that is coming from, I'd like to offer another perspective.... You succeeded at surviving. Maybe not by your own hands, as someone else was there to physically pull you back, and physically tell you no... but you stayed with her, after that. So it seems, you physically told yourself "no", after calming down with her, later on too.

    In that sense, perhaps it wasn't a failure, but maybe, a success, for that moment, to feel better...and have someone there who felt you were worth having around. Your depression right now, where you don't 'feel it is enough', could just be your mind telling you that you are not worth having around right now... sounds like you really need some positive outside influence.

    This girl, affected you, for a moment, which is where I derive the above from. It seems you may need some very helpful and positive people who would value your life, and value you as a human being, to show you that again, remind you, that you are great, and likeable, and useful....and wonderful...and worth getting to know, and worth spending time with, and worth having around.

    I can guarantee this girl that night, does not regret keeping you around. I am sure she felt good after this too, knowing the alternative result, she absolutely felt good with your life being prolonged.

    Just some food for thought... and, I am here too. You don't know me, but I am on this forum searching for things to relate to know, searching for people who understand what I am going through, or searching for people who have been through what I have been through. The leadups can be different, but I have come here, and now read your post. I needed your post too, so thankyou! Your liveliness now, is useful to me, though I am a stranger.

    P.S. I hope that my post does not come across as advice. I really just meant it as an observation of your circumstance.
  7. Effect

    Effect Member

    I am glad to see that you have survived Shane. Like Samara says... Think from another perspective.
    You are a strong person. Don't make a few people ruin you. Look at this way, she saved you. Maybe try to get in contact with her ? Maybe she can be a real good friend to you ?
    I never believed in signs before but this... This girl/event might be a lesson which says that you have to wait.

    Just wait and know that we are here to listen for you and support you to go through hard times.

    It's not your time to leave.
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