Discussion in 'After Effects' started by White Dove, Jan 28, 2008.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    it failed,

    I apologize for the long reply to let everyone know where I am at? but I needed to just get away to see or rather look inside myself to see if anyone near to me cares but I found out a lot this past month.. heck I sent a letter to the minister B.B. telling him thank you for the I love yous, for the calls, for the cards, etc because he never sent them , never called, never cared, but I thanked him anyway.. you know what his reply was? you abandoned the church... yep I abandoned them allright... I went to Florida to see if I was loved by my family and yet I am seen as someone who abandoned them... wow must be a really bad person must I???

    You know all this sickness, all the weak spells, the nights of throwing up, the bitter taste in my mouth, the nose bleeds, the weak spells.. I guess I deserve it all and the most horrifying of it all is that I am totally alone.. I am fighting all of it alone... The pain of losing a home to arson, the pain of the cancer, the pain of knowing I am unloved by my family, the pain of knowing others think a lot of this if not all of it is false or untrue but it all is the truth... I cant change what people think of me no matter what I do.. they will always think the worst of me.. they will always hate me and anything that happens in my life they will question it every single time... my life is totally screwed.. I have no reason to stay... And if anyone of you ever happen to run into a minister and his wife D.D. and E.D. you let them know I am sorry for all the pain I have caused them... That's all you need to tell them nothing more...

    Mods and admin.. please do not delete this?? this is not a suicide note, nor a suicide letter of any kind... I am dying.. not because of me taking my life but because of a cancer that is eating away at me and I may not get the chance to come online here again.. please do not delete it..? if you have sent me a pm I thank you and will answer them as soon as I am able to be back online. if any of you know my home number, you are more then welcome to call me at home but please note, I scan all my calls through the answering machine and will call you back if you call me. also I tend to sleep more these days so I may be asleep if you call.. I doubt anyone from here will call but if you do ...

    for the photo of what is left of my home just click below.. the part that is standing in this photo is not standing anymore because apparently the arsonist thought it would be fun to pull the rest of it down... this was arson but they got away with it because the police just do not care.. if it had been someone else's they would have caught the one responsible but seeing as how it was mine that got destroyed they just do not care.. so here is the photo of what is left of my home.. like I promised I would post here..
  2. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    reason it failed?

    tried to post this together but it must have been too long??


    Well it failed or rather I failed. I failed because I did not attempt my life over new years day and the holidays like I had originally planned to do. I still got the stuff to do it with but just did not attempt it. Guess you could say that I am trying to hold on a little while longer?? So why have I not been here or updated anyone here?? Well for one I have not been home and since I have returned home I have not felt like writing much at all or even speaking with anyone so I have just kept pretty much quiet and staying indoors a lot..

    Well I did not go east instead I went south to Florida.. to a little town called fort white and high springs.. See my younger brother had received over 7000 dollars back in the end of December from a profit sharing type from his work where he had been fired from not working because of his back.. he did not get this until like the 28 of December after Christmas and all but he did manage to give his kids a Christmas because they were sincere by the Christmas thingy in town.. well when he got this I had been home crying ( like I usually do when I pray to God ) and he happened to walk in on me.. do not know if he heard me talking with Jesus or not but he told me about him getting the check and then offered for me to go with him to Florida to see our older brother, said something about going to Orlando to Walt Disney world and asked if I wanted to go so I told him yes cause I have never been to a theme park so I took about 100 dollars with me to pay my way in and went with them..

    We made it to Florida okay and stayed there at my older brothers house while we were there, the first few days were okay or so I thought, but it really was not.. see I overheard my older brothers wife and my younger brothers wife talking about how much they wanted to go to the theme park but that they were not going because I was there with them and even heard them say that they would have more fun if I was not with them.. Why even ask me to go if you do not want me to go? I just do not understand it.. well I let that pass and then the next day as I was in their bathroom which is basically right next to the patio I heard them all talking, this time both my brothers were talking and they were saying things like why did you bring her? etc and we could have went to the theme park but since you brought her not going now and heard them talk more things about me.. heard my older brother say why do you not take her to the theme park? she is part family too? etc and then I hear the reply well I do not like her, cant stand her and I am not taking her, etc.. well I then go outside and everyone shuts up.. you just know they talking about you and all.. I could tell I was not at all wanted.. heck I did not have to go.. why invite me in the first dang place, etc... so I just let this go.

    Then a day comes that my older brothers wife asks me to go to town with her so I go to town with her, etc.. we start talking about some things ( cant remember what all it was about ) but then the theme park comes up and I say like well I wish we would have went to the theme park but since we have not went guess I could spend some of my money etc?? and that's when patty ( my older brothers wife ) says well Mary said you were nasty and that she was not ever taking you to any park, etc... and she told me a few other things that I care not to say online.. well I just let it go..

    Then a few days before we come back home. I learn that my older brothers wife and my younger brothers wife have made an appointment to see a salon to get their nails done.. they do this without me.. I hear them say she's too much a baby we don't need to take her to get them done, etc.. That really hurt me and I just broke down, so I go in there and ask them or rather say kindly I want go.. then they say well I did not make an appointment for you cause you do not need to go, etc.. I then go into the bedroom there and break down again.. I overhear someday I am getting tired of this shit, etc, so I go into the room where my younger brothers wife is and ask his wife are you mad.? she then storms out of the room and says she's leaving tired of this shit, etc.... they get in the van and take off.. I totally break down and start crying so dang hard cause all I want is to be a part of the family, to be loved.. my older brother comes into the room and tells me to wait being a baby, and tells me I am acting like one etc... the remainder of the days there.. I just stayed in my room there, did not go out.. even had called someone here in Tennessee to ask how much a bus ticket would cost for me to get back here? etc.. but I finally rode back with them..

    This whole trip has proven to me that I am really not loved at all.. they have no clue as to the pain and hurt I feel and am feeling... I have lost everything that has ever mattered to me.. I have no family, no true friends, no Christian friends, no love from anyone anymore...all I needed was a chance to find out for sure if I was loved just a little bit but I found out I am nothing... I lost my good home , the big one.. it is gone, burnt up and I cry every single night because I lost a lot of things that can never be replaced.. I have lost my respect from others, cause they either see me as a stupid crazy girl with mixed emotions or ???? I don't think they or anyone else can really understand what it is like to lose so much so fast and not even have a shoulder to cry on... I think about the trailer being burnt and the dang person who did it has gotten away with it.. it hurt me when he did that but he just don't care.. I think about those online here and others that have said it was a lie? etc that thought I was lying.. that I was so low to lie about something like that?? good GOD just what type a person do you really think I am???
  3. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    You've had quite a rough time Dovie. I hope you can calm down and find some peace :hug:
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well i am trying to... thanks for the hug hun :hug:
  5. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Sounds like you have been through a lot hun. But there is always 1 person in this world who loves us. Maybe you are yet to find them?

    Keep holding on, you are strong.

    Take care hun xx :hug:
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thank you sweetie :hug:
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    :hug: Susan. I'm so sorry you had such a bad time with your family. But on the bright side, your older brother DID stick up for you a bit. Maybe later on he was just saying you were a baby because he was trying to defend his wife for the things she said. It's not an excuse, but husbands do that sometimes because they are embarrassed by their wife's behavior and are trying to justify it. Anyway, what they said about you was wrong and unfair, because you are going through terrible pain :( Have you told them about your sickness yet? Either way, I think you are a wonderful person and I consider you a friend for what it's worth. I'm glad you decided not to go through with harming yourself. Have you been to the doctor lately? What about the Chemo?
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    not told them about my sickness.. family is/are assholes so i refuse to tell them after what they did and done and said this past few weeks..

    got doc appointment this friday at 1:45 if the world is still here???

    nope.. not going go through chemo anymore, cant stand the pain nor the sickness nor the pain of that damn needle and the brusies from it, so no... i wont take chemo.. if God wants me healed God will heal me , Jesus is the great physician remember??? If God wants me to go with him.. then by grab i am ready to go.. until then i am just hanging around enjoying the things i like to do like fishing, and camping, and eating sweets, heck dont have to worry about gaining weight might as well endulge..
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Aw sweetie :( Jesus is the great physician, but he does work through men. Please re-consider treatment. I just went camping for the first time with my hubby! I thought I would hate it but it was amazing! What a great night! We fished and everything and we brought our little doggie and he had so much fun! Please stick around! Maybe we can go camping together! So many beautiful places :)
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