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Discussion in 'After Effects' started by jane doe, Mar 8, 2009.

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  1. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Many of you may know me, and its more likely most of you dont. Ive been in SF since 2006. Im a self harmer. ive got more scars than i can count, between the old ones and new ones.
    3 months ago, i was on an urge, couldnt find any razors(actually didnt looked very well) and i simply got tired of feeling pain. Of feeling numb, of feeling im such a cld hearted bitch. I took around 30 pills to sleep my ex psichiatrist gave me when i was on threatment. I didnt knew if it was going to work, even though i was wishing to end it all. didnt say goodbye, nor a letter no shit.
    i woke up 2 days later at home,(of course my boyfriend who i live with took me to the hospital, since i have some memories of opening my eyes,but nothing else is in my memories)
    since i woke up that day, im no longer thinking about killing myself 24/ 7 but i still thinking why it didnt work. Like when u cant understand something and u need to try it again to work it on your mind. i know its odd, and sadly i dont feel any better than that day, but im glad (and this is going to sound awfull) im glad to be back just to keep feeling the blade on my skin.
  2. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm glad you failed. I've seen you here before but never really talked to you. Just the fact that you're alive shows that your time isn't here. You're meant to live. You have a boyfriend, be thankful for him.

    Are you in treatment at the moment or have a therapist? What did the people at the hospital say?

    Have you tried fitness as a way to help yourself? The physical pain you feel while doing fitness like jogging or stuff at home and releave the mental pain and also calm yourself down.
  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey Lara,

    It's good to hear you don't want to kill yourself anymore but I'm sorry to hear you're not necessarily better.

    Your od was probably down to a number of things & I guess you go with the option that you're most comfortable with.

    What follow up did you get from the hospital? xx
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    thank you for the replies.

    How: i was on threatment but had to quit because i couldnt afford it anymore. Doctors gave my boyfriend a note so i can see a psychiatrist, but i havent gone there yet, after i got to that point im kinda happy in the way i live.

    Claire: i dont know how to describe exacly what took me to make that decition, may be the fact that i realized im not inlove with my boyfriend, how guilty i feel for that. How i feel im not meant to be with him and how i want to love him again many times of the day but not all the time.

    well idk lol. what i know its that i can handle my feelings for now. and in some way i can say im ok :D
  5. hecte

    hecte Active Member

    I tried cutting for a few months. left some scars on my shoulder that im not proud of. (male btw) It worked for a while but I started needing to go deeper or bigger I dont know why.

    I stopped because I was talking to a friend about the pain I was going through. I said "I cant deal with it" and her response was "Then let it go" I thought about it for a bit and then replied "But it isnt that simple" (Mainly because I felt it was to much to just forget) she then replied "But it is that simple"

    That moment I realised that my cutting was just a symbolic way of letting go and I didnt have to scar myself to just "let the pain go". Now I just take a deep breath and focus on relaxing my thoughts on something else aswell as relaxing my nerves to make that sick to my stomach feeling go away. You wont forget pain or problems instantly but they do all eventually go away naturally.

    Glad you made it out alive. I just wish it had more of an impact on you.
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    ye sometimes i wish that also :D

    hugs and good for you hecte!! im proud of you being able to stay away from it :D
    god bless your friend
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