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Tried again last night. Think I came pretty close. I passed out and when came round I couldn't move any of my right side of body. It was quite scary. It was like I was paralysed and I couldn't move. I couldn't xxxxxxxxxxxx, I couldn't sit up or coordinate movement. It lasted probably about 30minutes before I got sensation back. I've still got weakness today but I would imagine it will pass soon. Think I let a bit too much last night. Had a nose bleed also so that probably accounts for the way I feel today. Don't think my method of let and blowing is going to work. I don't have the crackling arm today like I usually do after xxx. So makes me think I did get xxxxx.

I am fed up of this. I don't understand what is going on and why it wont work.
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Well, that sounds pretty scary. I've had the feeling of paralysis from drugs before and was unable to sit up or move anything. I knew mine was going to pass though because I was doing it to get high. I can't really imagine doing something like that and experiencing those effects not knowing how long they'll last and all that. I wish you wouldn't try to kill yourself at all, but experimenting and not knowing whether it will work or not sounds even worse.

ali 56

Well-Known Member
I hope you are Ok most of us understand what it feels like to have failed attempts and are understanding what you feeling like today, it's not nice but remember we are all here for you I hope that you stay strong. Ali


Active Member
why wuld u hurt myself like that

i may not knowyou but i already know that your a strong and resilient person othrewise youd be dead already. you are strong and amazing, dont let your young life be cut short

what do u think your family or friends would say if anything happened to you?

you could do doing somethign with your life, help people, help others in need, the world isnt a pretty place but there will always be those people who choose to help.

even though im pretty busy being in the army, i would go to the homeless shelgter and help serve out food, not alot of my friends know what i do or why i do it, but it makes me feel good inside, knowing im making a diference in this world


everything is about YOU, i urge not to try again

go outside, walk around and look up in the sky for 30 seconds, think about how many people in the world who are just like you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE


Staff Alumni

I just wanted to say that I am reading your posts and have wanted to write a meaningful reply for ages. I started one yesterday but then my doorbell went and I lost it all!

You mention in a few posts that you're scared of not being in control over things, such as your career, what the GP/uni/psychiatrist will say, etc. and i wonder whether being able to plan your suicide gives you some control over yourself and your destiny? It's pretty scary having your life in others' hands.. i understand the lack of control but i'd find it very sad if you ended your life over it. Sure right now you may not be totally in control of some things such as your career, but it won't always be that way.

I have no doubt whatsoever that you'll be a fantastic social worker but i wonder if you are the best person to be making decisions about yourself right now? I don't mean that horribly, i just mean that your thinking may well be skewed at the moment.. given that you're trying to kill yourself on a weekly basis, for example? You've been able to tell your mum a little of what's going on which is great and i hope she's being supportive.. and although i realise you don't want to take a break from the course, i wonder whether taking the time now to really get the help and support you need and deserve would be a good idea? Your GP/psychiatrist/counsellor/uni want what's best for you, although it may not feel like it to you at times, and although scary to not be in control, maybe work with them to get better?

There's no rush to get qualified.. you have the rest of your life to finish the course and taking a year (or however long it takes) out to concentrate on your own health is no bad thing. It wouldn't mean you're not capable of it, it'd just show that you're self aware and looking after yourself. We had very bad news about a colleague this week who was a social worker, but he ended his life on Tuesday.. it's devastating to his family, all of us (his colleagues/friends) and also to clients. I wish more than anything that he could've reached out and got the help he obviously needed.

Please please try to take good care of yourself. It may seem hopeless right now but there is nothing wrong with putting your own needs to get better before your career needs. Hope this reply makes some sort of sense and doesn't come across as non-supportive as I truly do feel for you and care for you.. i check in regularly to see if you've posted and how you are etc.

Jenny xx


Well-Known Member
I know I am probably wanting to carry on for the wrong reasons at the moment. I know no one else is in danger etc but I think when the biggest thing for me carrying on because I am scared about what will happen is probably not the best reason to be carrying on. Doesn't exactly make me out to be stable does it?

I am doing such a good job at keeping it all to myself. My parents know I have issues but they don't know how I deal with it. They don't know what those issues are or how I am feeling. I don't want them to know. It will cause them undue worry and cause them to be on my back all the time when all I really want is space to be on my own. Not be hassled or have jokes made at my expense.

I can't see ever getting better. I can't see any light at the end. The only light I have is the course. That is just getting further and further away and tomorrow I feel it will be extinguished. I enjoy the course, I am good at what I do. Ok, I am suicidal and I self harm. Nothing will change. Coming off the course will make me worse. Like I wrote about before (it may have been the blog) but I feel like I am 2 people if not more. There was part of me that sees how I am is wrong and the course keeps me going, has some control and grounds me. The other one is the one who wants to die. The one who doesn't see a point. Taking away the course from me is also taking that grounded, rational person.

I am scared. I can't see a way out other than ending my own life. I can't live like this and as I don't see the light I don't see what there is to fight for anymore!
that grounded person is still there, no matter what happens with the course. she is you. she is probably very scared right now. comfort her. treat her well. take care of you. hugs,



Well-Known Member
Had to get out. Came down to the river. Find myself just staring at water and bridge thinking how easy would it be. It's so peaceful. There's too many people around though. People making the most of the light nights. Doubt i'd get anywhere. The shimmer on the water looks so inviting though.


Staff Alumni
It looks inviting and might be 'so easy' but something, hopefully, is keeping you alive.. maybe a tiny part of you would like to get through this and live? Hold on to that part x
Had to get out. Came down to the river. Find myself just staring at water and bridge thinking how easy would it be. It's so peaceful. There's too many people around though. People making the most of the light nights. Doubt i'd get anywhere. The shimmer on the water looks so inviting though.
That'd be painful...especially if you somehow survived.


Well-Known Member
That's why now i'm going to make sure when i do that it will work and if it doesn't it will look like an accident. I've got psych appointment tomorrow i don't know what to say. Part of me says i should be honest then the other part says if i want to carry on the course i can't.
I think you ought to be honest - that might be the first footstep on a journey that means something. Let whats been done in the dark come into the light - i.e. admit the things which have been going on and share them with someone face to face. This is just too much of a burden right now for you to carry on your own - and its only clouding your judgement with big black dark storm clouds.

You can get the course put on hold I'm sure. After all, wishing you were dead almost every waking moment is not going to pull a good mark! Think about it seriously, at that point we're pretty much unable to carry out anything but the basics. Even that's a struggle at times. But, even people suffering a lifelong depression get a break now and again.

Sometimes your slammed to the floor, rubgy tackled by depression - and we need time out to recover. Whatever your doing now, you an pick up on at a later point - acedemic studies are easy to pick up once you recover from the worse of this.

I think being honest is the key for you. Being honest to yourself is the main thing - and therein lies the trouble. Most people are honest to themselves but keep that honesty hidden. If you think your a failure (and many do) then odds are you won't be telling people in the local shops about it. Many people can afford to keep their secrets - but sometimes what your feeling inside is just too much to handle. That's why people kill themselves - life becomes too much to bear. They keep it all in.

The last two suicide victims I knew did not tell their children or families, freinds, neighbours or workmates. I'm guessing that at some point - they would have been in a frame of mind whereby a conversation could have saved them. If you ever lose someone to suicide, this will haunt you - the not knowing IF you might have made a difference.

Telling my doctor was a good thing. He is down to earth about depression and was angry over people who still doubt it exists. He is the kind of man I'd be loathe to tell a lie to. After all, he can only help if I am honest.

Telling people is a relief - but the 'euphoria' is not so great that it will tide you over the worse. It is a big step in the right direction though. I think you'll be taking that step if you are honest with your counsellor and tell her exactly were you are at.
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