Hi
I just wanted to say that I am reading your posts and have wanted to write a meaningful reply for ages. I started one yesterday but then my doorbell went and I lost it all!
You mention in a few posts that you're scared of not being in control over things, such as your career, what the GP/uni/psychiatrist will say, etc. and i wonder whether being able to plan your suicide gives you some control over yourself and your destiny? It's pretty scary having your life in others' hands.. i understand the lack of control but i'd find it very sad if you ended your life over it. Sure right now you may not be totally in control of some things such as your career, but it won't always be that way.
I have no doubt whatsoever that you'll be a fantastic social worker but i wonder if you are the best person to be making decisions about yourself right now? I don't mean that horribly, i just mean that your thinking may well be skewed at the moment.. given that you're trying to kill yourself on a weekly basis, for example? You've been able to tell your mum a little of what's going on which is great and i hope she's being supportive.. and although i realise you don't want to take a break from the course, i wonder whether taking the time now to really get the help and support you need and deserve would be a good idea? Your GP/psychiatrist/counsellor/uni want what's best for you, although it may not feel like it to you at times, and although scary to not be in control, maybe work with them to get better?
There's no rush to get qualified.. you have the rest of your life to finish the course and taking a year (or however long it takes) out to concentrate on your own health is no bad thing. It wouldn't mean you're not capable of it, it'd just show that you're self aware and looking after yourself. We had very bad news about a colleague this week who was a social worker, but he ended his life on Tuesday.. it's devastating to his family, all of us (his colleagues/friends) and also to clients. I wish more than anything that he could've reached out and got the help he obviously needed.
Please please try to take good care of yourself. It may seem hopeless right now but there is nothing wrong with putting your own needs to get better before your career needs. Hope this reply makes some sort of sense and doesn't come across as non-supportive as I truly do feel for you and care for you.. i check in regularly to see if you've posted and how you are etc.
Jenny xx