Failed

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by quiqui, Nov 23, 2011.

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  1. quiqui

    quiqui Member

    I really want to end this life and I cann't do anything about it. I am so very tired. I have failed at everything and anything I have ever tried. I have no more rabbits to pull out of my hat. I have no reason for my existence. I am all out of everything both inside and outside.
    I don't know why I'm writing this. It's too late now anyway. I just want to go away-somewhere, anywhere but I cann't.
    Sh-t this is hopeless. I screwed up and told a family member, I do not know why. Support? none Just "pull yourself up and quit feeling sorry for yourself" routine. Just totally Embarrassed. That's why I don't vocalize. I am too old for this pity party crap, anyway.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Sorry that you got such a bad reaction. Some people are just clueless. But you can talk to us here.
    Do you work, quiqui?
     
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    You posted here, and that's good, even if you don't feel any hope now.

    This is a good place, people DO understand you here, and you can have support and encouragement.

    I came here slightly a month ago, after a failed suicide attempt. I won't try to say all is better now, but it makes a difference just having people to talk with who don't judge you.

    I care, and I hope you post again soon.
     
  4. quiqui

    quiqui Member

    Thank you.
     
  5. quiqui

    quiqui Member

    Thanks and no I do not work, that is a major problem.It seems that every time I try to improve my situation nothing works. I have tried so many different times and in so many different ways. It's like I have run into too many brick walls.
     
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    But at least you try. When you do, what goes wrong? Are there no jobs available?
     
  7. quiqui

    quiqui Member

    I had an auto accident in 2000 closed head injury left w/ seizures and had to go on disability [which I hate]. I was the only person involved. Now however, I live on a social security ck. which is about 1000/mo. Husband left in 2004. He stated that this was too much to deal with and since I was unable to work our income was cut by 3500/mo., big lifestyle change. He said he thought I would be better off without him.
    About 4 months ago a family member and I decided that we could go into business togeather, they would be the backer and I would do the work. They could make some extra money and I would become self relient and wouldn't rely on the government. After the family member announced our intentions to all the rest of the family and her friends they decide that they no longer want to be involved and back out. Thats ok but I sure feel like a fool-again. Then later they add that they would like to help? No thanks too unreliable. So, because I don't want their "help" now I am made out to be the bad guy. This has all happened within the past 4 days. And yesterday was thanksgiving so I walk in and no has been told that the situation has changed the family member is drunk and everyone's asking me about our new business. This dinner was at my "backer's" home. Oh, my brother was also to become involved as he has lost his job and really needs the money [2 kids in college] and no one had told him about the changes in the situation. So I am left with egg on my face. I have to call him now and explain things.
    This is just the latest mess.
    By the way the "family member" has been my mother. After I thought about this for a couple of days I told her how I felt and how desperate I felt. She told me to see a psy. and not to discuss any of this untill after thanksgiving. What? Merry Christmas to you too.
    Sorry about the length of this but it's not something you can say in a sentence or 2.:rant:
     
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Oh dear I am sorry about your accident quiqui. Your husband left - that must have been hard to take. How do you feel about it?

    Can you give your mother another chance with the business? Now, with more folk involved, she will have to be more reliable, perhaps?

    Celebrations like Thanksgiving are the hardest times often. But you made it. Are you going to bring up how you are feeling again with her?

    No need to apologise.
     
  9. quiqui

    quiqui Member

    After he left I tried to od on lortabs but I didn't take enough. My husband has never called me since he left me and I never knew where he went. He never knew how much I was hurt. I really wanted to die but I srewed up.
    About trying to resurrect the venture again w/mom or anyone else no, forget it. I am. You can not depend on anyone.
    The holidays are a sad time for me the people I cared the most about have either died or gone. I lost mine & my husband's little boy when I had a miscarriage on the 22 of this month 1989. That was also my baby brothers birthday he passed right before my auto accident. He was my favorite. We were real close. I was the oldest and he was the youngest. I was like his "mom", babysitter and friend. He had been sick for a long time and his death was not an easy one. I tried to make a deal with God to give him my health or at least a few of my years. Well he died and here I am. He had been in a coma for over 3 days then he came to just long enough to tell me that he loved me. Then he went to sleep. He was a very sweet and good person.I miss him allot.
    Thank you for your concern.
     
  10. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    He must have thought clean break would be easier. I am glad you failed, though.
    I understand your feelings about the venture. I hope you can find the strength to give your mother another chance.
    I cannot imagine the pain of a miscarriage. Did you get any help for your grief? And then to lose your brother before your accident... So much sadness. But he loved you, and he would want you to grab the opportunities that he was unable to.
     
  11. quiqui

    quiqui Member

    thank you.You have been most kind. After he died I had a dream. He was sitting in a dark gray room. I was glad to see him but he told me he was so lonely and I told him not to worry that i would be with him soon. Then it ended. Do you think that there is time there?
    I have 2 cats one is very old and sick he has diabetes the other one is about 3 years old. I need to find a home for them. I know that the youngest one is adoptable but the older one I am afraid that I may have to put down. He has been such a good cat and he is so very smart. I believe that he loves me. The youngest one is a lap kitty she doesn't talk but she likes to be petted. They do not have a humane society here only animal controll and they kill over 90% of their animals. I have never put down a pet before and I don't know if I can. It's like killing a dear friend.
     
  12. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That dream was from your mind, in a very bad time. I think your brother would want you to live.
    Live for your cats, then. Do not let them die, nurse the elder through the end of his life and give the younger one a lovely life. This will give you time to come to terms with things.
     
  13. quiqui

    quiqui Member

    Thanks for your understanding. I called my brother, the one to whom I am closest. We had a talk, I told him some things that had gone on in my life I don't think he knew about. He listened and told me that I needed to take some time and grieve over this, just like it was another death.
    He was the brother who was going to benefit also. He would have been able to afford to take care of allot of his and his childrens necessities. So he lost out also. He just explained that this was mom acting "weird". He said try something else later, after I have had time to get over this loss. If nothing else this has brought he and I closer togeather. It seems that mom has let him down several times also. I guess she means well but can never follow through. What ever the reason, once fooled twice shy. Both He and I'll will just keep ourselves at a safe distance. I just wished that she had not asked me to get some of my friends involved. Now I have to tell them also. The job market is so poor here and everyone is living day to day. I'll address that next week when I feel a little bit better. Right now all I can do is cry.
     
  14. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am glad you were able to talk to someone understanding in your real life. As you say it has brought you closer togethr with your brother so it has had a positive effect, at least. And you have learned something about your mother too, even if it is not a positive thing.

    I hope all goes well next week.
     
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