Failing college and overwhelmed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AzureAkita, Oct 5, 2016.

  1. AzureAkita

    AzureAkita Member

    I'm attending online college to be a vet tech but I can't handle it and I'm already failing. Lately I've been given a lot of hours at work to cover for everyone else because no one else can take mornings. This leaves me with only 7 hours a day to study because my parents want me in bed by 10 to get up early for work. In those 7 hours I also need to do my share of house chores, leaving me with even less time to do homework and study. The only ample amount of time I get to do my hw is on weekends when the other employees can take morning shifts. I feel this has contributed to my failing grades and its frustrating that I have zero control over any of it. After my parents saw my grades, they haven't stopped screaming at me and calling me an idiot, or dumbass. My entire family is disappointed and is even threatening to disown me if I keep failing. This alone makes me want to start self-harming again. I'm adopted, but they tell me they wished they never adopted me if it meant I would grow up to a be a geek as a hobby and "not take college seriously". I haven't even touched a video game console since college started. Its unfair that my family says I'm not trying when I'm doing my best with what time I have. The most recent test I took, I studied all the material but got a 60% from missing the questions that were like trick questions that I didn't see in the textbook. I look at what I missed and still didn't understand since it wasn't in the textbook. I had originally planned to get through the semester and pay my parents back for what I failed but when they're screaming about disowning me, it puts a lot more stress on me...I hate being alive just to put up with what I do. I just want it all to end. Therapists and doctors don't help at all. All they told me is that I could go to jail for "arguing with my mom too much", when I'm not even the one who starts the arguments in the first place. No one ever takes my side. I've been to two psychiactric hospitals before for self harming, but don't want to do it again since money is already tight. The only emotional support I have is my boyfriend who moved away, but my parents want to cut me off from all my friends by turning off the internet to "punish my stupidity". I'd rather kill myself and get it over with. I can't do this anymore.
     
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. We care about YOU. Your parents are mistreating YOU, which is not right. Please keep talking as we care. Life is important and includes YOU.
     
    AzureAkita likes this.
  3. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Can you tell work that you cannot take on so many hours?
     
    electricalanomaly likes this.
  4. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    i really wish i could help you; before i became ill, i was a consultant University (college) lecturer and tutorer and it was my true love to see students through their studies, and understand the context of their home lives in further helping …. but am struggling with surgeries and depression right now too …. you are doing an amazing job holding in there; please keep trying and its not right, what your parents are doing; i know how it feels …. because we don't live up to their 'expectations, because they simply don't want to, or can't understand… and the medical system is hard ….keep reaching out please, and perhaps talk about your work hours as well to the people involved?? Also talking to a teacher/lecturer about your situation can help if the right person xx
     
    electricalanomaly likes this.
  5. AzureAkita

    AzureAkita Member

    I might not have to since I screwed up badly and will get fired.
     
  6. AzureAkita

    AzureAkita Member

    Its actually been like this for a long time...I could never live up to the expectations my older sister (their birth child) had set for me. She was a popular cheerleader and made straight A's. I barely passed high school and I played video games and volunteered at an animal shelter instead. I'm just a huge disappointment to them...
     
  7. AzureAkita

    AzureAkita Member

    Its actually been like this for a long time...I could never live up to the expectations my older sister (their birth child) had set for me. She was a popular cheerleader and made straight A's. I barely passed high school and I played video games and volunteered at an animal shelter instead. I'm just a huge disappointment to them...
     
  8. AzureAkita

    AzureAkita Member

    They think me "feeling sorry" for myself" is just some excuse and still deny that I am really trying...
     
  9. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    I've stuffed up many times since i got ill/overloaded and thought it was the end of everything ….. I got fired from my job as well, because my illness and work hours took too much out of me and nobody understood, despite trying … and got to breaking point ….. i know i have a hard time taking my own advice (as we all often do), but all you can do, is try to be kind to yourself, you were under exceptionally hard circumstances and lacked the support …. it is a 'chapter' in our lives, chapters which are constantly changing, though often it seems like life is stagnant and its hard to see hope in the midst of crisis ….. .the only way out is to try to talk to someone who is willing, i wish i could help, you seem to have so much going for you
     
  10. Meg_1

    Meg_1 Member

    you are entitled to feel and it sounds like you are really trying - expectations are horrible things and been experiencing same with my brother/mother - my brother now doing well, when once i was as well ….. now trying to find other things i CAN do with my disability,though its not the 'plan' i'd hoped for … its grief and feeling alone and misunderstood … you also wouldn't be here if you weren't trying xx
     
    AzureAkita likes this.
  11. AzureAkita

    AzureAkita Member

    Thats another issue. If my internet gets cut off, I'm forced to be isolated. Especially since I screwed up at my job enough to get fired...