Failing, falling hard.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by mayhan, Feb 29, 2012.

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  1. mayhan

    mayhan New Member

    I made my attempt almost a year ago now. I was a cop in the military then, I thought I had my life together until my ex broke up with me and triggered everything. I know it sounds cliche, you go through a break up and cut yourself. The only difference here is I was 8,000 miles away from home, and he was my only support system. The night he left me, I took a razor blade to my wrist and pressed down as hard as I could. I barely remember doing it... I vividly remember seeing my veins and watching the blood pour out. In that moment I not only came close to ending my life, but I also ruined my career. Seven months , 13 stitches and several hours of therapy later I was discharged from the military.

    Things got better at first after I came back home, I didn't want to die anymore. I thought things were going to change. Now I sit here with fresh cuts on my wrist, even more depressed than I was before. I have no job, I have no drive to get one. I can have all of my tuition paid for college, but I don't want to go. I invest most of my time chasing after a girl who has just as many problems as I do with cutting and much more. I numb myself with pills, weed and alcohol. I'm drowning and I don't think I will make it out this time. I feel selfish wanting to end my pain, knowing that it will cause everyone I love even more pain. I just don't think I'm strong enough anymore. My nightmares are getting worse. My nightmares are memories from my horrid past. Memories of my drug addicted mother leaving me when I was a baby, memories of my cousin molesting me when I was a child, memories of my father hitting my stepmother, memories of deaths and pain, so much pain. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Memories hun that need to be confronted that need to be talked about with a therapist that deals with trauma You can find a way out it is up to you ok YOu get off all those drugs and substances you get clean you get therapy to stop the nightmares and you move forward ok it can be done i am doing it slowly but doing it and so can you ok hun please do that for you You deserve healing hun hugs
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You need to get into more therapy to deal with the issues of all those childhood memories. Also, I know you are hiding the pain behind your drug and alcohol activity, but it solves nothing. Everything is still there to be faced when the high goes away. Get into rehab and get away from all that. Alcohol is also a depressant, which is mor than likely feeding into your depression and making it worse. I know those are hard words to hear, but I also think you are aware of everything I said. Lecture over.

    Memories can be some of the most difficult things to deal with. When things happen the original time, it is unbearable, but at least it is over. When the memories come, you know what is next. And they don't just come once and go away. You relive it over and over again. I am wondering if a method called rescripting could help you with some of the memories. You may have tried it already, I don't know. I do know that the memories do not have to destroy you. You can gain control over them, but it takes a great deal of hard work on your part. We are here to help you in any way we can. Please do not give up. :hug:
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