Failing Finals

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Lost Disciple, Jan 22, 2007.

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  1. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Oh God I need help. My family's arguing more and more. It's like they're bipolar--one second we're happy and having fun and the next, with little or no warning, everyone's screaming at each other. It's getting worse and worse and now my father's blaming it all on me. He says he's going to make me go live with my mother which, truth be told, doesn't sound that bad anymore (yes, it's that bad now). I worked up enough courage to finally tell my father some of the things in our family that bug me and rather than caring he blamed it on my attitude and made fun of me for it for the next couple of days.

    I found out that my little sister was put in counseling at her school and Dad doesn't even know. That's how much he doesn't pay attention anymore. I hinted in that argument with him that I might have a problem and he told me that people with depression (which I have) and bipolar (which I have a very good chance of inheriting) are just saying they have conditions as an exuse for their poor choices. He said they're liars and don't deserve the life they've been given, that they're dead weight and ought to be stuck on Death Row. Gee thanks dad.

    And I've failed both of my finals this morning, with more in the afternoon. I want so bad to cut. So BAD!!! I'm trying not to, but I know that if my little sister (the one in counseling) hadn't stolen my razor this weekend I would have by now. Please someone help me. I don't want to, not now, but I do. I need to and want to and don't want to (very confusing, I think). I need some help--it's taking all of my self-control not to pull out my scissors right now. I just... I just need someone I can talk to.

    I wish I had a friend.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hey there

    It sounds like things are bad for you right now. You have raised a lot of points in your post, so I will try and break them down and go through them as best I can. :) Maybe something I say might help.

    First off, well done for managing to tell your father some of the things that are happening for you in your family right now. His reaction sounds like it could be born out of fear and ignorance. People tend to get angry as a cover emotion, and teasing can result from ignorance or fear of a certain person or situation.

    He generally sounds very ignorant about mental health problems in general. Have you maybe tried to educate him about them? Maybe you could research on the web about depression and bi-polar and anything else you want him to learn about, and then ask him to read it? He might totally reject the idea at first, but if you print it out and leave it with him, hopefully he will change his mind.

    His reactions to depression, etc, are most likely not personal about you, again, it probably comes down to ignorance, or his upbringing, or the fact he is totally scared of mental health problems and what they mean, so is refusing to acknowledge it.

    I don't know your home situation, obviously, but you mention that going to your mother's does not seem like such a bad option. Could you maybe look into this? Or go and have a break there for a few days? It could give you a chance to think about what is happening and what you want. If you can't do that, maybe you could stay with a mate for a bit?

    Ok, with regards to your finals, at the end of the day they can be retaken if necessary, but often people do better than they think. Are you school (or wherever) aware of your current mental health situation and your home life? If not it would be a very good idea to talk to someone there so that they can help, maybe grant you special consideration, etc. Also, it would remove the pressure a bit.

    With regards to SI, well done for fighting the urge, that is brilliant. If you can identify what emotion is making you feel the need to cut, then you can combat it easier, ie anger you can beat up a pillow, or scream rally loud, or scribble on a piece of paper.

    In the meantime, maybe try drawing on yourself with a red pen, pinging yoruself with an elastic band, holding some ice, maybe try doing something very physical, like running up and down the stairs until you are exhausted.

    If you can figure out what emotion is making you want to cut, then feel free to PM me and I can give you more ideas for how to deal with that emotion.

    Hopefully something here has helped.

    Take care and keep fighting
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    oops, I forgot something

    I wanted to ask if you had a therapist, someone that you could talk to? It is good your sister has one, and it sounds like you could do with some support too.

    If you don't have one, would you consider one? Also, maybe go back to the docs and see if they can do anything to help.

    Sorry for the second reply, take care
  4. BeenThere

    BeenThere Guest

    It isn NOT your fault if your mom and dad are having problems! Unfortunatly it is often the case that a parent/parents will blame their children for marital problems.It is good that your sis is in counsleling if she needs it,there is nothing wrong with that :) Your dads point of view on mental illness is not uncommon either...usually because they cant or wont accept it. When i was diagnosed with OCD my dad said "its all in your head!" well ya lol thats the problem lol.Dont cut.If you can hold out then great but resist the urge as long as you can.As to the exams....there will be other chances,try not to let it get you down too much.
  5. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I got my scores today and I was right... I failed both those classes whose finals I took in the morning. I also failed the semester for my math class, which is something I swore I would never do.

    It's pretty much all gone downhill today. We got out of school early, but I was going to have to stay until the time our school usually gets out for an extended play practice... and I'm sorry, but I did not want to go to 3 hours worth of play practice with our assistant principal, who stops us literally every 5 lines. If we're doing bad, it's to yell at us and tell us to do better. If we're doing good, we've given him some great idea about how we should be doing it and now we need to change it all and do it over again.

    I thought I could just skip, right, even though I'm the main character? Well, the director caught me on the way out and I had to run for it. Literally. I took a circular route to shake him off, and then I was going to head home. When I got there I saw he knew where my house was and was on my front step. Not only that, but my dad was home, and he welcomed the director into our house. Shit. It was all going wrong. And then, as I hid out behind the bushes of the house down the street, I watched him leave in the van, presumably to look for me.

    So that was three hours ago and I'm hiding out at the library. In an hour or so my friend has a funeral for her grandma, so I'm thinking of going to that. But I don't know what to do now. I want to cut, but I fought it off yesterday (even though my arm was a mess of marker afterwards), so I can do it today, I know it. Actually, I'm mostly just waiting until my inevitable journey home, where it will be so much worse, to give in.

    In response to your answers, Scum, I want to first of all thank you for your time. My father is purposely ignorant, I think, about mental disorders. My mother had some and broke up with Dad, so I think he just hates her and everything else that doesn't like him or that he can't control. He always has to have control. If he's not number one in control he'll make himself number one. My mother, unfortunately, lives almost 200 miles away, and then there's the issue of school so... not really an option, except maybe in the really long term. Finals can't really be retaken because if you fail the class, you're just a loser and have to do it over again... so that sucks. I ended up, like I mentioned, scribbling all over my arm in permanent marker. I just felt horrible; angry, sad, guilty, and like I was out of control of even my own actions. I have almost nothing of my own choice, everyone else always makes the choices. Even my elective classes this year were chosen by my father. And the only therapist at my disposal is the school counselor... and I'm scared.

    I'd also like to acknowledge you, BeenThere, and thank both you and Scum for caring and for replying. Thank you both.
  6. BeenThere

    BeenThere Guest

    Your welcome Lost,and i really am sorry about your tests.Pleas feel free to contact any of us to chat.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    First off, well done to you for not cutting! that is terrific. It shows great inner strength to fight like that, and you used an acceptable and well known positive method to help you. Well done!

    It sounds like your dad is still dealing with the issues surrounding your mothers and his break up, and he is basically in denial, and it is unfair that you are suffering at the hands of that.

    It also sounds like you feel you need some control in your life. You can gain this control in varying positive ways. How old are you? You could choose, or change, your course/s to suit yourself. Maybe you could take control by seeing the school therapist (who will be well trained and educated in dealing with people with mental health problems). Or choosing to go and stay with your mum for a bit (If your school understand that you are having health problems then they can grant you time off, or the doc can sign you off for a bit to go and get some space and perspective and see what YOU want to do).

    You mention that you are scared. It takes a brave person to admit they are scared. What is it you are scared of?

    You mention that you failed your finals, and a maths semester, and yes, that must be hurting, but it is essentially not the end of the world. You could look at it as an opportunity, for example, you could restart the whole lot of school over where your mother lives, if you wanted to. Or you could use this to change courses to do ones that you want to do.

    Remember that everyone fails things in their lives, but that does not make you a failure. It is how you deal with the hiccup that counts. Don't give in.

    If you ever want to chat feel free to PM me

    Take care and keep fighting
  8. Tahiti

    Tahiti Well-Known Member

    Maaan I was going to do the same. I even went to school early so that I can wait a few minutes for my dad to be out of sight before I cut. And yeah I have Spanish Orals tomorrow and I have no fuckin idea what I'm going to say. Oh and Algebra and a 200 question US History exam coming up. Ohhh god I just wanna die to escape it all.
  9. PressedIn

    PressedIn Well-Known Member

    I started mid-terms today, I failed the first part...and tomorrow the same will happen. Now I'm sitting here at 11:30 at night trying to fight the urges.
  10. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure quite why I'm scared Scum. The counselors just... intimidate me. I'm scared that they wouldn't take me seriously or would blame me for all of it or something... I guess I'm mostly scared that when I reach out for help from them, the last place I can think to find help, they'll react like my dad does any time I try to talk about this. Do you know we talked for over an hour last night (his choice not mine) and again, for some odd reason I thought that I could tell him some things--and again he poked fun at me for them?!

    Anyway, I don't think it matters much. The Guidance office just called me down to their office. I have a couple of minutes before I have to go and now I have to decide... do I tell them the whole truth, part of the truth, or none of the truth?
  11. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Oh, and btw I cut myself again last night. So much for keeping clean, huh?

    Sorry for the double post.
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member


    I would suggest that you tell them as much as you can. The bigger the picture you give them, the better the idea of how they have to help you.

    If you are worried about counselling, maybe you could discuss it with your sister, not what she talks about, but like how her counsellor is, what the room is like, how she feels about it and stuff like that. It would give you a better idea of what you are going into because she could easily have the same fears and you and would be able to put them to rest.

    As for the cut/s, make sure you keep the area clean. Try not to dwell on it, just focus on today and getting yourself some help, if you can.

    Hope that helps :)
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I got here as quick as I could after getting your PM, sorry it was not quick enough. Sorry
  14. Lonz

    Lonz Active Member

    "Success, success, success, what does it matter?" - The Rolling Stones

    I can't remember the song. But, I relate to the thought. It is so easy in our society to feel like a failure. Someone said America is the only place where a person with a Ph.D. can feel like a failure. One way I have become more immune to depression over the years is by buying into the mainstream view a whole lot less. Oh, I want a roof over my head. And I have a BA degree and am in a training class now to be a CNA. But, screw that stuff society tells us. I may even go off someday and found a commune. Make baskets to sell at flea markets. Garden. Why do you think the Amish are happy people?

    I'm in my 40's. I spent a great deal of time between 15 and 26 thinking about killing myself. Never do anymore.

    My friend died of an overdose last year. She'd been on disability for years. I'd love to tell her not to feel ashamed. Being our friend was the career we'd respect most. I can't have lunch with her anymore. She can't do volunteer work anymore. I have one less friend. Being our friend was noble enough. Society needs people who aren't slaves to the rat race. Work hard in school and keep your goals, but if something falters, don't let yourself get down.

  15. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Well, I talked to the counselor (well, technically, she's the social worker, but anyway...) and told her the truth in everything she asked, but offered no more. All she asked about was my family, and since I've heard that nothing gets accomplished in counseling until the therapist and client have a trusting relationship, I didn't offer anything extra or important (i.e. me cutting). So, we basically talked for a solid hour (or all of my last class and part of after school) about my brother and two sisters.

    So, I did good, yes? Or should I have spoken up?

    And she was just as scary and intimidating as I thought she would be, by the way, but much more understanding. She was nice, but she still scared me. That's odd.:huh:
  16. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Oh, fyi Scum, I did end up seeing your post. I waited and waited and when it didn't come, I sent you that second personal message. Right before I left, I checked for your post one more time and... POW!! There it was!

    So I did see and managed to read it before I left, and it kinda helped me. I wasn't quite as anxious going in.

    Sorry for the double post
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