Is taking it's toll. Doesn't sound like much compared to others, but I am convinced nothing will ever change. The pattern is always the same. I'll have some new job/college course. I'll be really excited. I'll read up, etc etc. Then, when I get there the anxiety and low self esteem kicks in. I'll lose all my drive. I'll look at myself as a crazy lunatic who should not be working here/studying that. I can't imagine myself going to college again, sitting in a room with others being expected to contribute, every second thinking about how I am being seen and judged rather than the topic at hand. Inevitably I can never think of anything relevant to add. I can't read papers when my mind is always racing. Unless I am relaxed, words seem to lose all meaning and come to me in a blur. Every problem I have intensifies - Body dysmorphic, Jealousy, avoidant, inferiority complex. I'll fail out. Feel a huge relief.. and then start another project. I think the mood swings still happen, but since I am not actively working towards anything, only planning to, I don't notice myself failing so it's not a big deal. I thought this would get better in time, but it only gets worse.