failure at failing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by music_addict, Nov 22, 2006.

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  1. music_addict

    music_addict Well-Known Member

    this last week and a half has been pure hell. You may have read in an earlier post but i was "saved" whilst trying to die from CO poisoning in my car. After i was released from the hospital i was determined to end my suffering by any means possible. So i decided to it with a shotgun shell to the brain. not pretty but it would do the job. I even posted another goodbye thread on here, because i was 100% dead certain (pun not intended) that it was gonna happen.
    but get this, i had that damn barrel in my mouth, stock braced on the ground, finger on the trigger... but i couldnt do it. I wanted to sooo badly but i just couldnt. I feel so pathetic. In fact, i hesitated from even posting here anymore because i was/am so ashamed that i wasnt man enough to do something so simple. But its scary you know? i mean falling asleep from CO is one thing but having hot, metal pellets being blown into your brain at 3000 fps (or whatever hell the speed those things go at) is something else entirely.

    anyway, as of right now im done trying to do myself in for a little while. i figure maybe the fact that im here after two attempts is a sign of some sort. dont get me wrong, i still want to die but im just too lethargic right now to make another attempt. So im gonna stay around for a bit longer to see if, against all odds, things pick up for me. if anyone even cares.
    also, sorry i havent responded to anyones private messages, but at the time i was too depressed and determined to end it all to realize there was some folks who actually care. So if anyone still wants to talk i think i could manage that. though i am quite the loser so dont expect to be chatting with someone who has anything interesting or of value to say. just a heads up.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 22, 2006
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hey there I'm so glad that you didn't take that tragic step and pull that trigger,You say that you weren't man enough to pull that trigger?Instead you were courageous enough not to which was a big thing in itself.You showed you had some real strength and resilience to pull through especially when in an instant it could've been all over for you.
    You aren't weak that you didn't pull that trigger because it would've been so easy to do it also but you made a brave decision not to and the right one as much pain as you're in.Don't feel ashamed of yourself because there is no need to and anyone with half a brain of common sense wouldn't see you in that light I definitely don't instead what you done has been if anything an inspiring thing for many to hear well done!
     
  3. music_addict

    music_addict Well-Known Member

    yeah, i wish i could say it was bravery to keep on going but it wasnt. it was cowardice, pure and simple. I was afraid of the pain and the small chance that i wouldnt be killed and end up horribly disfigured. like what happened to james vance.
     
  4. twilightki

    twilightki Well-Known Member

    Failing at failing? Nope. You failed at cutting yourself short.

    I have no say in whether you should die or not, that is not my choice. I believe that the small, or big, good experiences in life are worth the stay. Pain is only there to distract you.

    Myself? I'm just too damn curious to see what happens tomorrow.
     
  5. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hi its_all_too_much Thank Goodness U didn't do it! It isn't cowardly to fear death or pain, anyone will feel the same way in your situation. In fact just to get to the point of sticking a gun anywhere close to your head requires courage. It also means U are in a lot of pain and if U need to talk, U can PM me at rayden291 on yahoo messenger.
     
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