this last week and a half has been pure hell. You may have read in an earlier post but i was "saved" whilst trying to die from CO poisoning in my car. After i was released from the hospital i was determined to end my suffering by any means possible. So i decided to it with a shotgun shell to the brain. not pretty but it would do the job. I even posted another goodbye thread on here, because i was 100% dead certain (pun not intended) that it was gonna happen. but get this, i had that damn barrel in my mouth, stock braced on the ground, finger on the trigger... but i couldnt do it. I wanted to sooo badly but i just couldnt. I feel so pathetic. In fact, i hesitated from even posting here anymore because i was/am so ashamed that i wasnt man enough to do something so simple. But its scary you know? i mean falling asleep from CO is one thing but having hot, metal pellets being blown into your brain at 3000 fps (or whatever hell the speed those things go at) is something else entirely. anyway, as of right now im done trying to do myself in for a little while. i figure maybe the fact that im here after two attempts is a sign of some sort. dont get me wrong, i still want to die but im just too lethargic right now to make another attempt. So im gonna stay around for a bit longer to see if, against all odds, things pick up for me. if anyone even cares. also, sorry i havent responded to anyones private messages, but at the time i was too depressed and determined to end it all to realize there was some folks who actually care. So if anyone still wants to talk i think i could manage that. though i am quite the loser so dont expect to be chatting with someone who has anything interesting or of value to say. just a heads up.