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Failure

#1
This is more of a venting post, rather than seeking advice.

I've been feeling depressed with suicidal thoughts for a couple of months now. It's the first time I've had these feelings and it scares me. I've been trying various resources to get help. I've called so many counselors, therapists, doctors, crisis lines, resource centers, nurse lines, assistance programs. Either no one has gotten back to me or they were only able to provide a band aid. I know I need help, but it's so hard to actually get it.

Then when I mention I have suicidal thoughts, they go to the extreme, involving emergency services. The first time I admitted the thoughts, I was taken to the emergency room "against my will". I did not want to go because I knew the cost would be too much and I felt they wouldn't really be able to do anything for me. When they made it clear I had no choice, I begged them to allow me to walk the 10 minutes to the hospital or have a friend drive me just so I could try to lessen the hospital bill. They refused. They took away my humanity. Once I arrived at the hospital, I was forced to undress in front of staff. They took away all of my belongings and put them in a safe. I wasn't even allowed to keep my bra or panties on. They made me wear what I can only describe as a prisoner's outfit. It was incredibly scary to me. Bear in mind I had no active plans for suicide. I was having thoughts. If I was feeling level 5 before the emergency services were involved, I was feeling a 10 at the hospital. They held me for a couple hours, had me talk to a therapist, and as soon as I was allowed to wear my own clothes, I could not leave fast enough.

That was a few weeks ago. They gave me no resources, had no follow up. Now I have a staggering bill and I'm no closer to getting help. This morning I reached out to to one of those mental health and prescription online medical websites. I was able to talk to a nurse about everything that had been going on. She felt it was necessary to involve emergency services which I said wasn't an option for me. When I arrived at work, there were a couple of patrol cars waiting for me. Freaked me out. I was feeling decent up until that point. I just started crying, thinking they were going to hold me against my will again.

I understand the need to intervene when somebody's life is on the line. And I understand the need to be extreme in certain cases and assume the worst. I need help, but now I'm scared. I feel that I will now be reluctant to admit to thoughts and feelings. I don't want control over my body to be taken away. I tell them several times that I have made no attempts and I have no concrete plans. I need a counselor, a doctor, some type of medication. I don't get the help I need and am rather greeted with a barrage of police that makes me want to stop seeking help. Thankfully they did not detain me today and I was allowed to go, though I did have to lie about how serious my thoughts were.

It's all a failure.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#2
I know your pain. I have been hospitalized twice for suicidal ideation. It is a hard thing to go through but was helpful. It would be nice if you could find a mental health facility that would give you help and medication from a psychiatrist without hospitalizing you. Probably something like an anti-depressant would be good for you. I wish that I could be there with you and support you. Hugs to you.
 
#3
This sounds really scary. Having things taken out of your control makes everything so much worse. I’ve had 3 police visits when I haven’t called for them and one ambulance visit when I OD’d. But I have never been taken in. I always refused to go and fortunately they didn’t force me. Are you able to speak to a dr? If you have no previous attempts and no plan he shouldn’t sound any alarm bells. But if you can start to get the support you really need such as medication and therapy hopefully you will start to feel better. Take care and we are here on SF for you as well. Xx
 

Tripod

New Member
#4
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Things are a little different in the UK, but in some ways similar. Inappropriate "help" if one admits to being actively at risk but very little to no help for those asking for help before they have reached crisis point.
I really hope you manage to find some help and support soon. Please try and take care of you
 
#5
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Things are a little different in the UK, but in some ways similar. Inappropriate "help" if one admits to being actively at risk but very little to no help for those asking for help before they have reached crisis point.
I really hope you manage to find some help and support soon. Please try and take care of you
Completely. I haven't reached the point where I need severe intervention. But I fear if I can't get preventative care, it may get to that point. A friend of mine who has been suffering for years says healthcare is like that. Instead of focusing on treating something successfully when it's a level 4 or 5, they wait until it's a level 8 or above because that's where they make more money.

I'm struggling day by day to self-manage, but I feel it's getting worse. I don't feel I have the right techniques or tools to properly manage it on my own.
 

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