this is my first post in this forum. i find life extremely difficult to enjoy because: i haven't had a friend since the sixth grade. i herniated a disk in my vertabrae 5 years ago, and i'm still in pain and doctors think i'm after pills--i just want a cure. i'm gay (frowned upon by family). my parents are separated. no one in my family really understands me. i'm over 100k in school debt bcuz my parents couldn't save money for my college. 1200usd in cc debt. i'm nowhere close to being the pilot i wanna be, while folks younger than me have surpassed me in flight credentials. i can't get a job. my grades suck. i'm lonely. i have no self-esteem. i hate myself, and talk bad to myself in my mind. i despise single detail about me. i have no faith in gawd. i've tried to change everything about me, so i could have at least one person to get who i am. i'm 20 and miserable. i hate life, and want to die. but don't think i could ever take my life. but i'm extremely miserable. but gah. i just want someone to read this i guess.