Wow. I never thought I'd start a thread here. Well, I tried last night, while I was out. But I was still to scared of high buildings... and way too scared of fast cars. But another second, me tripping, anything, would have ended it.... Even after I downed a bottle of wine in like 10 seconds... it still didn't decrease the pain... not even a little. And you would think it would make an accident more likely... Apparently not. And I would think it would have been extra effective because that's my 1st time being drunk.... But I did feel like a happy little fool with no problems in the world for a couple of hours... 1st time i've been truly happy in 2 years. But I guess I did take away an important lesson, even though it's not a very desirable one, from this experience. I will probably never commit suicide, at least not intentionally. I just don't have the balls for it. God knows I want to die, but i'm just too dam scared of it. This is probably the 1st time in 2 years that I think I might actually live for a long time. But I still think that time is going to be miserable. But I guess now I am a tiny bit more motivated to try to find happiness, even though I have known for 2 years that I won't find it. I knew what to do for 2 years: to die. But now I just don't know what to do anymore... Even so I'll still probably keep looking for ways that bypass my fear... I guess it's just my fate to keep fantasizing and trying.