Discussion in 'After Effects' started by hellwithhugewounds, Jan 4, 2009.

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  1. hellwithhugewounds

    hellwithhugewounds Well-Known Member

    Wow. I never thought I'd start a thread here.

    Well, I tried last night, while I was out. But I was still to scared of high buildings... and way too scared of fast cars. But another second, me tripping, anything, would have ended it....

    Even after I downed a bottle of wine in like 10 seconds... it still didn't decrease the pain... not even a little. And you would think it would make an accident more likely... Apparently not. And I would think it would have been extra effective because that's my 1st time being drunk.... But I did feel like a happy little fool with no problems in the world for a couple of hours... 1st time i've been truly happy in 2 years.

    But I guess I did take away an important lesson, even though it's not a very desirable one, from this experience. I will probably never commit suicide, at least not intentionally. I just don't have the balls for it. God knows I want to die, but i'm just too dam scared of it. This is probably the 1st time in 2 years that I think I might actually live for a long time. But I still think that time is going to be miserable. But I guess now I am a tiny bit more motivated to try to find happiness, even though I have known for 2 years that I won't find it. I knew what to do for 2 years: to die. But now I just don't know what to do anymore... Even so I'll still probably keep looking for ways that bypass my fear... I guess it's just my fate to keep fantasizing and trying.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2009
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    i don't see it as 'not having the balls for it', the way i see it is that even tho you have issues you are struggling with and feel a need to end it, deep inside you want to live and see this thru to a happier if not more content life. and i believe that of many members, why else are we here for?
    i for one are glad you are still here posting in this forum.

    dont drink , it will make you feel worse.
    sit down and look at what is bad about your life and see if you can make changes, be patient as it will take time, but if you are working towards something better you will be suprised at how different you could feel.

    there is more to this life than pain and dying, you are stronger than you think just as everyother member here is.
    it takes strength to admit to your failures in life, your pain and urges then seek help and support.

    take care
  3. FIGHTER9999

    FIGHTER9999 Member

    Alot of people would have commited suicide in they were in my shoes I have been through hell and back, However I am not a quitter something inside me would never let me do that. I am too strong considering the amount of abuse I am getting I still surviving. I think its in my nature to get on with things and go on.
  4. seven

    seven Active Member

    I am glad to hear you're safe. I don't think you are too scared, but rather brave for choosing not to die. I hope things get better for you; sometimes you have to take life one step at a time. Best wishes to you! :biggrin:
  5. mandel32

    mandel32 Member

    True, i have been suicidal as well. and emabarassing enough it was just over a small problem. i wouldnt know if i will b really ending my life if a really big problem arise in my lyf. i wouldnt know how to go on. But things have gotten better now, with my family being there for me specially my mom. and posting in this forum has helped, bcoz you will see and feel that you are not alone. Life wasnt meant to b easy. everyone has their problems. Others have bigger problems yet they face it boldly........ They have an incredible strength of not showing their problems. I hope that one day we all here can be able to stand up on our own..... and learn how to face our problems.....
    your situation will definitely get better in time. mine did over like 3 long months........ you can talk to me....... just bring it all out :biggrin:
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