Failure.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hawk, Aug 6, 2012.

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  1. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    That is either the best, or the worst experience of my life. Mods, before you delete this, read through it, then delete it if you must.

    I tried to <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>.

    i spit up blood. i was banging on my appartment walls and floor. screaming help. but it came out more as a monstrous sound. i couldnt believe i could still even relativly function. i had read that you will prolly get brain damage or paralized or something. i was mad.

    I was furious.

    I was mad at myself.

    How could i do something so selfish.

    i heard a knock on the door. i couldnt talk. i was weak.

    I half wanted them to come in. they tried ot open the door. it was locked.

    "FUCK" i mustered up

    At that point i wanted to live. but i couldnt control my actions.

    "Live man! dont die! go get help!" I kept thinking.

    I was happy to be alive.

    But something, or someone inside me got me to crawl over and i went to go get <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>, while scream and spitting blood and crying. it was LIVING HELL.

    <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>

    I fell tot he floor. The world went dark.

    My last conscience (i THOUGHT it would be my last tohught) thought was "its over. Im dead. im a selfish bastard. I should die. Kill me satan"

    However my last conscience (again.. not REALLY my last sight) sight was the door shattering on the knob side. and the state tropper below my apartment broke in. i tried to look away but i just looked at him in pain. physical and emotional. he ran over to me. aparently my neck looked nasty because he winced at the sight of me.

    I never went black. i stayed awake. unfortunatley. i remember him carrying me out yelling for help. more and more people came out side. kids faces covered. moms and dads looking at my in disgust and terror. i was a monster.

    Now im here. at a hospitol. what kind? i dont know. Probably medical. but ill be in a physc ward soon. no doubt.

    I now know that i odnt want to die. I have a few more tihngs ot live for. so before you kick that chair out or pull that trigger or down those pills. Think of me. and everyone else's post you read about failed suicides. they ALWAYS end in a not wanting to die. Trust me. Trust us. Dont do it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 6, 2012
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Oh, Hawk, I'm so sorry you felt you wanted to end it and you did those things. :hug: I'm glad you have survived and are in a place where you will now get help to live and take positive steps in your life. We're here if you want to talk. I'm thinking of you and hoping that you begin to feel better really soon.

    PS: As you suspected, your post needed editing. To all members, just a reminder that we don't allow descriptions of methods and attempts.
     
  3. hawk

    hawk Account Closed

    Thank you very much. It really means alot. :D
     
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