Fairness

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by hammockmonkey, Oct 8, 2008.

  1. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    It is completely unfair to think that a relationship will really help you. The problem isn't no girls like you, it's you cannot see why a girl could like you.

    Get out your head, it is really fucked up to put your happiness on someone else's shoulders. I'm not being mean or wise, just sayin' what I feel. I fight the urge to put my problems on another . . . But I can't, maybe this'll stop me from developing strong relationships, I don't think so.

    Oh, and before you're meeting your girl, don't drink all the wine you were going to share.
     
  2. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    hey hun , ur defo worthy of a girl liking ya :hug: , were all worthy of someones love , but not until were ready or its the right time for us.

    :hug:

    Jo xx
     
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I know that I'm capable of bringing others happiness. The people who are part of my life tell me this. I do lean on them. Maybe too much... Maybe it's not fair at the moment, but once the depression passes it could be a lifetime of mutual support.
     
  4. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    I don't mean support, what i mean is the people searching for happiness through others. This, if it is possible, is separate.

    Hmmm, now let me make myself clear on what I mean. It can be a confusing difference, what I'm talking about is the need some lonely people feel that it is through others, and only through others, they can feel happiness. Finding support is a healthy thing to do, I have a support network of a couple of very close friends and family to lean on. Now, what I'm talking about is the concept of the relationship fix. The idea that a girlfriend or boyfriend will save you. This is not true. It is unfair to put that kind of pressure on that person.
     
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Oh, that's something I'm certainly guilty of... My therapist chewed me out for this already this week. I don't know how to deal with it. Suicide comes to mind, but that's even worse for the one I'm depending on for happiness...

    So what -do- we do, then, if that's not fair nor the right way to do it?
     
  6. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    There is no easy answer, and I don't mean don't find a significant other I mean don't think that these people are going to snap you out of your depression just because you "found" someone. That's all I mean.
     
  7. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Oh, it's unfair to place an undue expectation on them... I think I see what you're saying.
     
  8. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    And what do YOU recommend that people of the likes of me do? Get a hobby? Find a job they "like"? Travel? (Laughed when writing that; the clueless ones always suggest travel.)

    All the above examples are pathetic jokes. People like me can ONLY find happiness through their true loves and nothing else. Thankfully, I have found her, now, so I don't need to just dream about finding her, anymore.
     
  9. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    Of course it wont save you, but at best it will give you some of the stability needed to save yourself and at worst it'll erode away part of the idea that you are not acceptable to anyone.
     
  10. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    No, what I mean is find someone but don't think that this is the end all, fix all solutions to your problems. Do not make this person your only salvation, that's what I mean.


    Maybe it works, maybe it's what we all need. I just think it is unfair to make others your saviors.

    Happiness does not come from the outside only, it comes fro being comfortable with your circumstances and yourself, that does not arrive from a girlfriend/boyfriend.

    Fuck, this is bullshit too, just fuck a hole and be happy. That's what men should do, right?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2008
  11. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    Hum, really? This was about the only thing I was thinking could straighten me out. Well this and drugs.
     
  12. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    it seems to me, as an ignorant uneducated NON eggzpert who's never
    even taken a remedial psychology course, that one trait that depressed
    persons have in common (there are many surely, but this one applies
    at the moment) one comment trait, 'at least'.. is that we are all sort of
    preoccupied with 'getting better' or wondering if things will in fact
    'get better' that in a sense, we put our lives on hold.

    when I was much younger, in between 'relationships' at times, I would
    think stuff like, "oh, there'll never be anyone like her again" or "there'll
    never be anyone at ALL EVER again."

    so far, I have been proven wrong time and again. and also, I might add,
    I F'ed up each new relationship as badly as the previous one until I
    began to think maybe I was too much of an asshole to be in a 'decent normal'
    relationship. so, I decided to be less of an asshole, well...as much less
    as was possible at any rate :biggrin:

    only so much any one person can do...anyway

    lo and behold, relationships were STILL not perfect.so.... maybe the other
    person or persons had some assholic qualities as well.

    bottom line...there IS no perfect, 'normal' relationship and the more that
    WE, that is US depressed persons become more and more in tune with
    what we perceive as our own shortcomings, chance meetings and stuff
    happen less and less because we become more isolated due to depression,
    perfectionism, and a more and more introspective outlook on life as a whole.

    and it becomes that much more difficult to see the gram of diamond chips
    for the cargo hold of manure. it gets to where we think it is all manure.
    which, it mostly is. but it is not ALL.....

    not to preach, because this I do not practice, but maybe we as a collective
    bunch of depressed persons might try "pretending" we are not depressed
    and go on about our business as if not depressed and see what happens.

    it cannot get worse. therefore, there's nothing to lose by pretending
    to be NOT depressed or not "flawed" and a miracle could happen. any of
    us might find an imperfect relationship to be in with another imperfect
    person. the biggest single problem with "normal" people is that they don't
    speak the language, so we must be patient and translate as best we can.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2008
  13. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    Clam, it's close to what I mean. I don't think we should pretend to be different to make others happy. But, we shouldn't pretend that other's make us happy either, and we shouldn't pretend that being with someone is all that will take to make us happy.

    I know, it isn't how other see me, its how I see other's seeing me. I mean, those projections I have of myself. Everything is negative about me, automatically . . . Fuck this is such bullshit I'm sorry for speaking. I don't know what I'm talking about . . . .


    I've just read enough threads about "living without love" or some such and I just want to say, I was happier in so many ways before I thought I could really love someone else.
     
  14. angus

    angus Active Member

    Why did it change....the idea of being able to love someone else...before you were happy not thinking you could...and now you think you could? What moment defined it?

    I also partially agree with you. I think that you shouldn't put it on someone else to make you happy....but the right person can make you happy without you having to put it on them....does this make sense? I am so bad at explaining things.
     
  15. HappyAZaClaM

    HappyAZaClaM Guest

    well, there have certainly been times when it all seems like more trouble
    than it is worth :biggrin: you don't need to be sorry for speaking. I left
    an awful lot out of my post that would have gone in if it was a short
    novel with a proofreader and everything.

    anyway, basically I know what ya mean. in particular it would be unfair
    to 'snare' someone under the pretense of being something you are are
    or any of us pretending to be something we are not.

    the pretending not to be depressed wouold be for ones own sake. a tool
    I suppose to make it thru a day, or even a chore, a class, something we
    don't feel like doing.

    not the most brilliant of ideas perhaps. anyway, I do not think being
    depressed precludes finding love and happiness. also, I don't
    necessarily know what the hell I am talking about. oh well :biggrin:

    it'll all work out one way er the 'tother...............