Faking normal

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Buio, Jun 3, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Buio

    Buio New Member

    I am not sure I should post this. I don't mean to offend anyone or sound like I don't appreciate the support others offer, so as you read this please do not take it that way. It is just how I am feeling lately and I am so tired of pretending

    Does anyone else feel like SI is not so bad? I know my head is not right. Logically I know that is it isn't healthy and the scars make things difficult and that there are other ways of coping. But really.... I don't feel that way at all. I don't think it is so bad. It makes things ok, even if just for a little while. It lets me breathe. And I like the cuts. I like seeing the red on my arms. I like watching them heal. I like feeling them underneath my clothes, even when no one else sees. I look at pictures and think how beautiful they look. And I know what I feel and think isn't what others see and think when they see them but I don't know how to be normal. I like the fact I can do what most others can't. And I admire those who can.

    I don't know how to not want to cut. To feel like everyone else does. I get so tired of people saying "just hang in there and breathe" or "try your other coping skills" or "think about how your will regret it later." I don't want sympathy. I don't want hugs. I don't want to hear how great I did going so long or how one slip up doesn't prevent me from starting again. I don't regret slipping up. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I like cutting. I like that feeling afterwards, that warmth. It is the most at peace I have felt in a long time. But I can't say that. All I can do is say I am sorry. That I won't do it again. That I understand I messed up. That I will keep going. And I smile and agree. But it is all a lie. I say it because it is what I am supposed to say. It is what I am supposed to feel. But the truth is I don't feel any of it and I am not sure I even will
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is fine to say any of those things and to think any of those things. Certainly absolutely understandable to say don't want to stop and like to do it - is not different than other self harm like drugs and smoking and drinking to excess- people do it because they like to do it. If you are proud of it and like it- well is long history of cultures that use ritual scarification so not really strange in that way either. No sense in hiding it if that is how you feel and if you are doing because you like it. In that case it is not a coping mechanism 0 it is not do that to stop something worse- it is just a choice to decorate like tattoos if you choose to look at it like that. So long as you are sure which people you are lying to then no, doesn't make any difference because what you are describing is not self harm. Only you know if it really is or not.
     
  3. What

    What Active Member

    I think people overreact for the sake of overreacting. Drama queens and kings who will take any chance to judge and feel superior.

    Some people smoke and destroy their lungs, increase their risk of stroke and heart disease, stain their teeth, etc and that's okay, that's normal.
    Some people drink and damage their brain cells and liver, and that's okay, that's normal.
    Some people go gambling and wreck their finances, that's bad, but it doesn't make them scary, doesn't make them "insane".

    But you put a cut in your skin which will cause no lasting health problems, which will heal up just fine and the skin organ will still function just fine, and people lose their shit like oh gosh how could you do such a thing. People see the scars on my arm and it freaks them out, I see it in their eyes, but the scars on my lungs don't freak them out at all, guess out of sight, out of mind. Maybe they are bothered by my audacity to have scars they can see. Like how dare I.

    Even if it is self-harm you describe, oh freakin well. People hurt themselves all the time.. with booze, cigarettes and other things. But nobody flips the hell out about it. Damage your skin and suddenly it's everyone's business and you're some sort of maniac. Pretty ridiculous.
     
  4. Light

    Light Member

    When I read your post, what you said Buio, I can totally see myself.. I mean, it are exactly my thoughts and how I feel about it.. I love the scars, I love cutting myself. I love how those red and white lines look on my arms. I love seeing them... They are beautiful and wonderful.. I love them..

    Only difference is, that I am afraid. Because of the shame, the deep shame I feel at the same time. When people look at my scars. I don't want them to look, I don't want them to think... About that I do it. I want it to be a little secret.. But thats not possible. And also, I am always afraid that someone finds out about the scars. I agree with you What, with what you wrote.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.