Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Róisín, Sep 11, 2015.

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  1. Róisín

    Róisín New Member

    Sarah McLachlan sings this song Fallen - I stole her lyrics to inspire me to write some of my own inferior drivel:

    Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire, be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight And I thought once a week with you would heal my wounds, would show me a pathway through the mud flats and the swamp to safe and even ground, that you would hold me, let me rest my head upon your shoulder, weary traveler, little child, lost and lonely, you would be my all salvation

    Truth be told I've tried my best but somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost was so much more than I could bear I ripped apart my chest with hands so clawed in pain, to show a heart still beating though wrapped in chains and stone, that you would be a stone mason and from this lump of granite carve away the shame, to chisel tiny channels through which my soul could shine, but in the fine print of your contract you neglected to inform the transformation currency would be a forfeit of a friendship, a lifetime contract smashed to smithereens and the pain would break me down in giant fissures oozing toxic bloody pus, the screams of push and pull, of love me now and love me not and I am left alone in writhing misery, a torment none but I can comprehend as you have never deigned to walk a step beside me, to put your feet where I have stepped nor neither to hold me when I fall

    Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low, I messed up better I should know, so don't come round here and tell me I told you so...I have heard your words of authenticity but they ring hollow, cracked and echoing off my flak jacket of false protection, I try to see through eyes of your perspective but what I know is true, some acts can be absolved through careful choice of words but some lie so deeply hidden, fueled by larva flows of sulfur rage, bubbling up to tease and tickle and retell to me that I am all of imperfect, troubled, fragmented, dirty, misplaced child that even guardian angels, case workers have cast this child asunder in knowledge all profound that some can be safeguarded, that some can be revived but like this child some are just too far gone to attempt all effort at a rescue, that salvage just won’t work, there is no lifeboat strong enough to hold my throbbing grief

    We all begin with good intent, love was raw and young, we believed that we could change ourselves the past could be undone You were safe and strong I thought that in your arms there would be time available to heal, but you set your precedents so high, not believing, you mentioned all just show and fantasy inside my head, I should be on the stage performing like a circus dog, and when belief begins to slide so do your arms, naked, afraid, vulnerable, exposed to scouring winds that grind away the stone and blind me with fine dust of past mistakes, miscalculations, missteps, inaccuracies that burn with truth, your arms I know will never touch my fiery skin but your words I thought would cool the fever of the past, lay to rest the dust that clogs my eyes and heart, but what is done is done, the acts etched in acid upon the rock that no amount of sweat stained, tear streaked scrubbing will eradicate

    But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals, in the lonely light of morning in the wound that would not heal, it's the bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear So I count your worn out, broken promises in tiny, magic spheres of pink and white and blue, capsules that prescribed by higher knowledge forms, a trust I don’t have but which I gave just to ease the howling torture but now, in this space so far left of all reality, I apply a different use, the handfuls of the magic colours that I gulp down I pray will bring to heart and soul a peace, a quiet solitude that will cease the endless questions of “why” and “normal”, it’s not as though there is a remnant of anyone to care, so I carefully cup within my hand my own interpretation of the salvation that you preach

    Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low, I messed up, better I should know, so don't come round here and tell me I told you so...I've tried to catch the daisy petals and string them all together, in happy smiling faces, but my hands are full of tiny magic spheres and the happiness just passes by like everything I've smashed to smithereens, I exist in darkness too deep to penetrate, my evil flashes past, wraps itself around my throat, squeezes out my last protesting, trying breath, my enemy the darkness beckons with a cold and heartless grin, skeleton fingers caress my pleasure zones, the past is all I have.
    I’m made to stand on judgment stool and flick back the golden clasps on the book that I have written and made to read aloud my unforgiving sins and secrets and I hear the mocking laughter that creeps on in the darkness, and I open up my hand, raise it to my mouth and take inside of me the magic of forgetfulness, the only thing that warms the abysmal freezing scornful mirth

    Heaven bend to take my hand, nowhere left to turn, I'm lost to those I thought were friends, to everyone I know There is no door, no emergency exit, no lit up sign of hope, just impersonal, unfeeling, detached anguish, heartache my heart no longer can pulse around and through my veins, I try in stilted words to let you in to my horror house of carnival rides but you fear my darkness, your boundaries they trip you up, my screaming whispers in a language you fail to comprehend, and as the dusky obscurity enfolds and comforts me I come to final consciousness, wisdom, comprehension that what I hold inside of me can only be encompassed by my arms, no other, that I cease to look for coupled pairs of footsteps next to mine, and so in silence mocking laughter fills my single stumbling steps along a journey ill prepared to travel but once started must persist in useless efforts to complete

    Oh they turn their heads embarrassed, pretend that they don't see, but it's one missed step, one slip before you know it, and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed You listen to my lies, they comfort you, my scars your eyes are blind in sight, let’s all pretend they happened overnight, a rare disease we tell the masses, no need for worry, and if it all gets quite too much to bear, let the institution take over burden of her care, my probation list is long in punishment, cage her, ensure the bars are strong, keep the danger in a corner where we can all stare in fascination and not care, they dictate the hazard factor, determine that I cannot be trusted with my independence, forget my struggles and my past and how it impacts on my existence, it’s all a joke to you, I do it just to make your anger rise, a non-event to all, to me my wildest, bleakest, torment tossed sentiments that I can barely cling to in this life, you cannot comprehend

    Though I've tried, I've fallen...I have sunk so low, I messed up, better I should know, so don't come round here and tell me I told you so...And life is just that, a state of being, of worthless, of shame, of flashes back to dim and distant echoes all encapsulated in my head, my sentence of a lifetime to which you can never give an end, I live with it and live because of you, you presume that this bestows in you a right to dictate what I do and don’t, have and won’t experience, and so I let you, peace at any price, but it still lies dormant hidden in subterranean caves of inky blackness, where the laughter lives in luxury, and one day soon despite your protestations and your boundaries and your prohibitions, it will rise and I will cultivate it, give it the nurture my hands fail to hold within me, and when it’s born I and only I will pronounce its fate, you told me to take ownership, possession of my past and so I do

    Lyrics: Fallen: Sarah McLachlan
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    You have a great way with words. Keep writing your feelings. I am sorry you are feeling like this.
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